Here's mine courtesy of my son's Australian father-in-law:

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience quite significant pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel and all the bricks fell out.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain abd unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind regards,
Mike Pashby

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Added on June 29, 2010, 5:16 pmHere's another one, to prime the pump:



BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
(supposedly from Charlotte, North Carolina)

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and
was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 5:23 pmThe Governor of a state goes to visit a hospital for the mentally insane to see how tax dollars are being spent. He meets one of the doctors on the first floor and he takes him on a tour of the building.

On the first floor, they walk by a room and there sat a man in his chair weeping quitely and saying "Lulu.. Lulu..", and the governor asked the doctor "What's wrong with him?", the doctor replied "He knew a gal named Lulu and she broke his heart".

On the second floor, they see more patients, and one in particular grabbed the governor's attention. The patient was pounding his fists on the wall, and he was weeping loudly and shouting "Lulu.. Lulu!". The governor asked the doctor again "What's wrong with him?", and the doctor replied "He was supposed to marry Lulu but she broke off the engagement".

On the top floor of the building, which was where they kept the worst of the worst, the governor and the doctor walk by a room with no windows, and had padded walls, floor and ceiling, in there was a patient that was hand-cuffed, chained, and was running into the 4 padded walls, banging his head in them and crying in a very loud voice "Lulu!.. Lulu!!!". Again, out of curiousity, the governor asked, "What's wrong with him?", and the doctor answered "He married Lulu".

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 5:27 pmA man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,"He mated 50
times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached
that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke
her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and
ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded
from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 6:08 pmGod was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we
don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create
life out of nothing -- in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to
the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"Oh no you don't ..." interrupts God, "... Get your own dirt."

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 6:13 pmA big city lawyer is duck hunting in rural North Carolina. He shoots and drops a mallard, but it falls into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbs over the fence, an elderly farmer drives up on his tractor and asks him what he’s doing.
The attorney responds, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “Ohhh, no—this is my property, and you ain’t coming over heah.”
The lawyer, growing indignant, responds, “Listen, country boy, I’m one of the best trial attorneys in the United States—if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiles and said, “Apparently, sir, ya don’t know how we settle disputes here in North Carolina. We don’t settle small disagreements like this with lawsuits—we use the “Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asks, “What’s that?”
The farmer replies, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until one of us gives up.”
The attorney quickly thinks about the proposed contest and decides that he can easily take the old codger. He agrees to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbs down from the tractor and walks up to the attorney. With his first kick he plants the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and drops him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sends the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer is now on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sends him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summons every bit of his strength and manages to struggle to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he says, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiles and says, “Naw, I give up—you kin have the danged duck.”

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 6:16 pm
A New York lawyer runs a stop sign in Arizona and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Arizona.
>
> Deputy: "License and registration, please."
> Lawyer: "What for?"
> Deputy: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
> Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
> Deputy: "You still didn't come to a complete stop."
> Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
> Deputy: "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
> Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
> Deputy: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving heck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"



This post has been edited by 100n: Jun 29 2010, 06:16 PM

CALL FROM DADDY

Ring Ring!!....... Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do" says the little girl, "and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway!"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it and he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause ***

Longer Pause****

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ...... Is this 208-456-9213??

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Added on June 30, 2010, 11:05 amAnd here's one for you young single ladies:

A girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment,

She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for Apt. 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll opened the door for you"

The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"




This post has been edited by 100n: Jun 30 2010, 11:05 AM

DIVORCE VS.
MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do
you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."