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 Some jokes I've got from forward email ..., Maybe you've read before

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lilianluv88
post Jul 9 2012, 01:05 PM

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Joined: Aug 2010
I dunno whether it is a repost.

One day, a beautiful young lady enter a lift on the ground floor. When the lift reach the first floor, an engineer enter the lift and upon reaching the second floor, a doctor join the group. Later, on the third floor, a lawyer enter the lift and on the forth floor, a monk enter the lift.

Upon reaching the fifth floor, there has been a blackout and somebody kiss the young lady. When the light is back to normal, she slapped the monk and not the others. Why she confirm is the monk who kiss her? You may guess and see the reason below....

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The reason is because the monk is the only man in the lift. Others, engineer, doctor and lawyer are all females. If you have guessed it correctly, you are indeed not a stereotype person. smile.gif

This post has been edited by lilianluv88: Jul 9 2012, 01:08 PM
gregy
post Jul 9 2012, 04:20 PM

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Joined: Apr 2007


QUOTE(lilianluv88 @ Jul 9 2012, 01:05 PM)
I dunno whether it is a repost.

One day, a beautiful young lady enter a lift on the ground floor. When the lift reach the first floor, an engineer enter the lift and upon reaching the second floor, a doctor join the group. Later, on the third floor, a lawyer enter the lift and on the forth floor, a monk enter the lift.

Upon reaching the fifth floor, there has been a blackout and somebody kiss the young lady. When the light is back to normal, she slapped the monk and not the others. Why she confirm is the monk who kiss her? You may guess and see the reason below....

.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
The reason is because the monk is the only man in the lift. Others, engineer, doctor and lawyer are all females. If you have guessed it correctly, you are indeed not a stereotype person. smile.gif
*
But the female engineer, doctor and lawyer could be lez... smile.gif
extremepower
post Jul 10 2012, 08:45 AM

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Senior Member
545 posts

Joined: Sep 2007
From: SG & KL
Hi have a nice day, smile a lot.

Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewelery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

Cool message by a wife
Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"


Habbit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake


Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Too late for garbage
Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.


Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"


Difference between Friend & Wife
Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage to tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!


Added on July 10, 2012, 10:03 amThe Economy of Fun
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

3. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

4. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

5. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

6. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.


NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use


Added on July 10, 2012, 10:05 amHave fun with these...

The 5 Riddles....

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT
THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR
BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ….

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
- / -

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

- / -

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away ?

- / -

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

- / -

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you
can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about
it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!


THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:










Answers:



1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?



2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).


3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.



4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!



5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.



How did you do?


This post has been edited by extremepower: Jul 10 2012, 10:05 AM
joedpa82
post Jul 19 2012, 03:15 PM

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Junior Member
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Joined: Jul 2010


QUOTE(ah_Keng @ Jun 20 2003, 11:15 AM)
The question is: Why did the chicken cross the road?, every famous and
powerful person has different answers and grounds.
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represents the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it
HELEN CLARK
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of
international law.
MARIAN HOBBS
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the
Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this
chicken.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine  -  chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but 
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook  -
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? 
Could you define chicken, please?
*
You forgot 1 more.

GIORGIO A. TSOUKALOS
We believe that ancient aliens may be instrumental in guiding the chicken across the road.
extremepower
post Jul 26 2012, 08:35 PM

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Senior Member
545 posts

Joined: Sep 2007
From: SG & KL
A Nigerian man called his mom: "Mom, I have AIDS".

Mother:" Don't come back home, my son, don't come back home. God forbid!"

Man: Why mom, why now,what I do now?

Mother : “....you foolish boy! You see my son, if you come back home, then your wife will be infected.
From your wife to your broda, from your broda to our maid, from our maid to your daddy, from your daddy to my sistor, from my sistor to her hosband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to yo udder sistor.
And if yo udder sistor got it , yoyo, then the whole village is in trouble… !
So please please please ...PLEASE SAVE OUR VILLAGE !


Added on July 26, 2012, 8:36 pmA Nigerian man called his mom: "Mom, I have AIDS".

Mother:" Don't come back home, my son, don't come back home. God forbid!"

Man: Why mom, why now,what I do now?

Mother : “....you foolish boy! You see my son, if you come back home, then your wife will be infected.
From your wife to your broda, from your broda to our maid, from our maid to your daddy, from your daddy to my sistor, from my sistor to her hosband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to yo udder sistor.
And if yo udder sistor got it , yoyo, then the whole village is in trouble… !
So please please please ...PLEASE SAVE OUR VILLAGE !


Added on August 4, 2012, 9:45 am
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she had been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

He asked her, "Do you know where you were going?"

She replied, "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people are leaving."

_________________________________________________________________________________

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?”

“Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps

___________________________________________________________________________________

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"


Added on August 21, 2012, 9:20 pmBRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little *******. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

This post has been edited by extremepower: Aug 21 2012, 09:20 PM
chipips116
post Aug 25 2012, 04:05 PM

New Member
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Junior Member
11 posts

Joined: Jun 2012
thanks for d sharing!nice place to hav a break!


Added on August 25, 2012, 4:11 pm Learn english, this is why!
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation
training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, "When you shake hand with President
Obama, please say 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and
you?' Now, you should say 'Me too'. Afterward we, translators, will do the work
for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are
you?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm
Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied 'Me too, ha-ha...'

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.



This post has been edited by chipips116: Aug 25 2012, 04:11 PM
extremepower
post Aug 31 2012, 07:41 PM

On my way
****
Senior Member
545 posts

Joined: Sep 2007
From: SG & KL
DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
A part of me is getting hard already!

RESEARCH FINDING

Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
GOOD AMBITION

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "

VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.


Added on September 3, 2012, 9:25 pmGOOD WIVES.......................

...... the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer, takes out 500 bucks and gives it to him.

"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?
Don’t think about it again," she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly..
A few minutes later, he returned and handed the money back to his wife and spoke with much disappointment:
"She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand....."

His wife's face slowly turns red with anger.
"Damn that b****... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundreds ..."

The guy collapsed !!!

NB: Think THRICE when your wife is over Generous


Added on September 19, 2012, 10:48 pm
Jokes of Wife....



Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!



Angry wife to her husband

An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

A Special Package for Business Men.

An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill

Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

An intelligent wife

''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

New SIM to surprise her husband

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

Wife treats husband

A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday


Cool message by a wife

Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Sweet demand by kid

A Sweet demand by a kid.
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

Lion bounced on wife

In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

Throwing knives on wife's picture

Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"


I will think about it

When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..

Habbit of talking in sleep

A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake

Itni khushi bardasht nahin ker sakta

Wife: I will die.
Husband: I will also die.
Wife: Why will you die?
Husband: Because main itni khushi bardasht nahin ker sakta.

Part & Art of living

Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.
Head & Neck of the family

It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

Wife: honey what r u looking 4?

Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever

Wife wish 2 be a newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

Can I make a call to my wife?

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Husband, wife & spare tyre

HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....

Similarity between chewing gum & begum

What's the similarity between chewing gum & begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the eNd...

WIFE IS DANGEROUS

LOVE IS LIFE
LIFE IS WIFE
WIFE IS KNIFE and
KNIFE IS DANGEROUS

Too late for garbage

Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

What if you don't see me for 2 days?

A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"

Why women starts with W

You know why women starts with 'W'...
because all questions start with "W".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Difference between Friend & Wife

Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths

Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!


Recently fired stock trader

A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."


Message of the year

Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!


Husband to a newly wed wife

Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.

Why did u shoot ur wife?

Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Your husband needs rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!




This post has been edited by extremepower: Sep 19 2012, 10:48 PM
extremepower
post Sep 29 2012, 11:19 PM

On my way
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Senior Member
545 posts

Joined: Sep 2007
From: SG & KL
lol

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,







What's for dinner, Zorro?"


Added on October 3, 2012, 7:39 pmYou got kawan in SG? Recommend them to me for badminton coach la... boleh?
Let's Have Some Marriage Laughter..


For Sale :
Wedding Dress, Size 8.
Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
Before Marriage And After Marriage.

Wife : I Will Die.
Husband : I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texted Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove
Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
"Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual
Experience In Picking Lemons?"
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied.
"I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man Says Without Hesitation,
"I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm Going Crazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," Says The Doctor,
"Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: “MISSING YOU”..

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What, Let Me Talk To Her.
I'll See What I Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
"Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said Yes
The Rabbi Replied, "Take The poison"


Added on October 14, 2012, 10:29 pmlol
Impossibilities.



IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD :
1. YOU can't count your hair
2. YOU can't wash your eyes with soap
3. YOU can't breathe when your tongue is out
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Put your tongue back in, my friend !!.


10 Things I know about you...

1) YOU are reading this
2) YOU are human.
3) YOU can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) YOU just attempted to do it
6) YOU are laughing inwardly at yourself
7) YOU have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) YOU just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) YOU laugh at this because you are silly, & everyone does it too.
10) YOU are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it
Sorry but it's just all in fun... no offense intended

You have received this mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the “Idiot” category.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

This post has been edited by extremepower: Oct 14 2012, 10:29 PM
extremepower
post Oct 26 2012, 08:52 AM

On my way
****
Senior Member
545 posts

Joined: Sep 2007
From: SG & KL
An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!!
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!

Male
readers: Please scroll down.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

You can forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor :-)


Added on October 26, 2012, 8:56 am
Yes, make up your mind for goodness sake!!!


A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started
to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on,
eat it all up or ... I'll have
to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man
blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


Added on October 26, 2012, 8:59 amThe ***** The b**** (Humor)

Little Johnny asked his mother, what the 2 words mean, that kids at school were using ..... ***** and b****.

His mother inhaled sharply, but then said, " Oh, that's easy. A ***** is a cat, like our little Chico. A b**** is a female dog, like our Sandy "

He then found his Dad out in the garage. " Dad, the guys at school are using words, I don't understand "

" What words, son ? "



" ***** and b****. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings "

Dad said, " Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this "

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said,

" Son, everything inside the circle is ***** "

" Okay, Dad. Then what's a b**** ? "

Dad replied: " Everything outside the circle !!! "






This post has been edited by extremepower: Oct 26 2012, 08:59 AM
.netlamps
post Nov 21 2012, 04:14 PM

New Member
*
Junior Member
18 posts

Joined: Nov 2012
gt this from email.


Teacher : History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher : Why?
Student : There is no future in it.
............ .......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!
............ .......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
............ .......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... .......... ........

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.
............ ......... .......... .......... ......... ......... ......... ........

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Teacher : Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"
anto_vape
post Jul 9 2015, 01:25 PM

New Member
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Newbie
0 posts

Joined: Jul 2015


thumbup.gif
QUOTE(whoami123 @ Jun 10 2003, 03:33 PM)
Some old joke:

There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?

??

??

??

??

??

??

??

What are you thinking?

??

??

??

??

??

??

??

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
*
DS_Legacy
post Jul 16 2015, 11:39 PM

Photography is Love
******
Senior Member
1,501 posts

Joined: Jul 2015


QUOTE(.netlamps @ Nov 21 2012, 04:14 PM)

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"
*
Thanks for the jokes. Made my day. rclxms.gif rclxms.gif rclxms.gif
donny21
post Oct 12 2015, 03:42 PM

New Member
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Junior Member
11 posts

Joined: Oct 2015
lawl

This post has been edited by donny21: Oct 12 2015, 03:42 PM
MooTikPin
post Jul 25 2016, 03:02 AM

On my way
****
Senior Member
574 posts

Joined: Apr 2015


QUOTE(terion @ Jun 13 2003, 02:05 PM)
somemore i got in the mail...  thumbup.gif

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian.  Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
    "Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
    "Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
    "Could you please tell me the time difference between
    Taipei and Las Vegas?"
    Operator: "Just a minute......"
    Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

    =======================================================

    At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells
    the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his
    companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
    The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,
    SIR?"
    Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

    =======================================================

    After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on
    quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the
    finished puzzle to a friend.
    "It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
    "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
    "YOU ARE A FOOL."
    Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
    FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt
    Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,
    "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
    The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
    Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"
    Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
    Host: "Quiet please."
    Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before
    replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I
    got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using
    it when he encountered some problems. He decided to
    use the 'Help' command.
    After some tries, he became irritated and called the
    computer retailer for support.
    Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's
    been over half an hour and still nobody has came to
    help me???"
    Computer Retailer:...............

    =======================================================

    In an English class:
    Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
    Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
    Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
    Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father
    and mother. Also can say
    Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow
    Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)."
    Teacher fainted...............

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The
    doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he
    answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring
    loh but instead of picking up the phone, I
    accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
    ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
    disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?"
    "Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake
    everyday.
    One day, they caught 30 fishes.
    Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we
    can come back here again tomorrow."
    The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
    Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah
    Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of
    the boat,"
    Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get
    that same boat today !?!?"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a
    hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the
    ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why
    don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
    "No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might
    think we're trying to break in."
    Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife
    to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up
    the lock?"
    "No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb
    to use a coat hanger."
    The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of
    something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof
    is open!!!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was
    annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking
    off their engagement and asking for her photograph
    back. He went out and collected from his friends all
    the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
    bundled them all together and sent them to her with a
    note stating the following:
    "Regret cannot remember which one is
    you...............
    please keep your photo and return the others."

    =======================================================

    Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at
    the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .
    After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the
    buttons and couldn't find the button for the first
    floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian
    decided to press the lift button "G". They found
    themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,
    "Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was
    ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you
    also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

    =======================================================

    One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and
    requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo
    Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only
    played English songs and asked them to request another
    song. They were upset and complained to the manager
    that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of
    calming them down, the manager found out they were
    actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song,
    "Unchained Melody".

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng
    noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of
    Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh,
    the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng
    snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also
    dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can
    eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand
    for 'Alamak'!"

    =======================================================

    Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know
    how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He
    paid three people to test out his experiment. The
    rules were:
    1. Each person could only have one wish.
    2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30
    years.
    3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
    The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30
    prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most
    beautiful babies in the world."
    The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30
    years' supply of booze."
    The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want
    30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I
    can smoke until I song-song."
    30 years later, the three contestants came back for a
    press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and
    30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long
    sexual experience for me and was wondering whether
    anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the
    mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,
    was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter
    these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink
    seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto
    cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na
    beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring
    lighter!)

    =======================================================

    Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What
    happened was some idiot was trying to show off and
    declared that he could swim across the Singapore
    River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before
    he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic
    and started to shout for help. Being typical
    Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and
    yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor
    chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned
    to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate
    attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear
    that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang
    filled with tourists was passing by and the operator
    saw the incident and picked both men from the water.
    The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered
    again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady
    lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any
    congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and
    shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who
    pushed me into the water?")

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to a name
    three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng
    immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped.
    After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang
    Mor Tan!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he
    should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
    "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

    =======================================================

    How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday?
    Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

    =======================================================

    "Oh, look at the dead bird."
    Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"

    =======================================================

    Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
    Because below 18 was not allowed.
*
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
gilamakan
post Nov 26 2016, 04:43 PM

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A co-worker told Jeki that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with Jeki's best friend.

Worried and hurt, Jeki ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

"Look," said Jeki. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend... I don't even know him."
AnnAnn1338
post Jan 8 2017, 10:30 PM

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Joined: Jan 2017
haha..quite funny
ahpek890
post Jan 19 2017, 05:08 PM

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QUOTE(AnnAnn1338 @ Jan 8 2017, 10:30 PM)
haha..quite funny
*
At last, read all 75 pages and the last joke was a couple of years ago.


AND here one contribution:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.





“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” sweat.gif
Rubanc93
post Mar 20 2017, 05:05 PM

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Joined: Mar 2017
QUOTE(whoami123 @ Jun 18 2003, 04:04 PM)
Joke 1
Boy goes 4 Blood Test. Nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton so she
Sucks his Finger!
Boy is so happy he asks, Can I gat a Urine Test also?

Joke 2
Do u know why guys fart louder? Because in between his legs, there is
1microphone & 2 speakers.

Joke 3
A wife asks hubby how many women he had slept with? Husband proudly replies
only u darling; with others I was awake!

Joke 4
A man ask doc. how to live longer?
Doc ask him :U Smoke?
Ans : No
U drink?
Ans No.
U play mahjong?
Ans No
U like sex?
Ans No.
Then U want to live so long 4 what?

Joke 5
Phone rings & maid picks up phone as her master is bathing.... Wen the
caller asked what is he doing,
the maid replied "mastur bating"
*
NiceWilliam
post Aug 13 2017, 05:21 PM

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QUOTE(terion @ Jun 11 2003, 09:42 AM)
I just got this today :

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh
day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds "Look Michael, look what I have made." Said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God' "and I've put life on it, I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over
there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've
placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one
will be extremely hot and this one extremely cold, and this one covered
in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
small land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's
Malaysia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes,
rivers, streams and hills. The people from Malaysia are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE! So if Malaysians are going
to be that great, you must've created some really corny people to balance them out"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm
putting right next to them. They're called Singaporeans!!"

laugh.gif

no hard feelings for our southern neighbours  notworthy.gif its just a joke
*
I think the name of the two countries in that last part got mixed up brows.gif
terion
post Oct 24 2017, 10:45 PM

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Joined: Jan 2003
From: Android Town



QUOTE(NiceWilliam @ Aug 13 2017, 05:21 PM)
I think the name of the two countries in that last part got mixed up  brows.gif
*
i think in the current situation, ur right! nod.gif

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