somemore i got in the mail... 

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian.  Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
    "Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
    "Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
    "Could you please tell me the time difference between
    Taipei and Las Vegas?"
    Operator: "Just a minute......"
    Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

    =======================================================

    At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells
    the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his
    companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
    The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,
    SIR?"
    Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

    =======================================================

    After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on
    quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the
    finished puzzle to a friend.
    "It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
    "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
    "YOU ARE A FOOL."
    Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
    FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt
    Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,
    "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
    The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
    Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"
    Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
    Host: "Quiet please."
    Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before
    replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I
    got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using
    it when he encountered some problems. He decided to
    use the 'Help' command.
    After some tries, he became irritated and called the
    computer retailer for support.
    Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's
    been over half an hour and still nobody has came to
    help me???"
    Computer Retailer:...............

    =======================================================

    In an English class:
    Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
    Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
    Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
    Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father
    and mother. Also can say
    Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow
    Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)."
    Teacher fainted...............

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The
    doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he
    answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring
    loh but instead of picking up the phone, I
    accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
    ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
    disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?"
    "Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake
    everyday.
    One day, they caught 30 fishes.
    Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we
    can come back here again tomorrow."
    The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
    Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah
    Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of
    the boat,"
    Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get
    that same boat today !?!?"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a
    hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the
    ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why
    don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
    "No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might
    think we're trying to break in."
    Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife
    to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up
    the lock?"
    "No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb
    to use a coat hanger."
    The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of
    something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof
    is open!!!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was
    annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking
    off their engagement and asking for her photograph
    back. He went out and collected from his friends all
    the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
    bundled them all together and sent them to her with a
    note stating the following:
    "Regret cannot remember which one is
    you...............
    please keep your photo and return the others."

    =======================================================

    Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at
    the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .
    After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the
    buttons and couldn't find the button for the first
    floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian
    decided to press the lift button "G". They found
    themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,
    "Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was
    ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you
    also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

    =======================================================

    One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and
    requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo
    Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only
    played English songs and asked them to request another
    song. They were upset and complained to the manager
    that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of
    calming them down, the manager found out they were
    actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song,
    "Unchained Melody".

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng
    noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of
    Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh,
    the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng
    snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also
    dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can
    eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand
    for 'Alamak'!"

    =======================================================

    Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know
    how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He
    paid three people to test out his experiment. The
    rules were:
    1. Each person could only have one wish.
    2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30
    years.
    3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
    The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30
    prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most
    beautiful babies in the world."
    The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30
    years' supply of booze."
    The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want
    30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I
    can smoke until I song-song."
    30 years later, the three contestants came back for a
    press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and
    30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long
    sexual experience for me and was wondering whether
    anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the
    mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,
    was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter
    these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink
    seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto
    cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na
    beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring
    lighter!)

    =======================================================

    Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What
    happened was some idiot was trying to show off and
    declared that he could swim across the Singapore
    River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before
    he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic
    and started to shout for help. Being typical
    Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and
    yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor
    chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned
    to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate
    attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear
    that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang
    filled with tourists was passing by and the operator
    saw the incident and picked both men from the water.
    The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered
    again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady
    lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any
    congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and
    shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who
    pushed me into the water?")

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to a name
    three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng
    immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped.
    After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang
    Mor Tan!"

    =======================================================

    Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he
    should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
    "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

    =======================================================

    How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday?
    Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

    =======================================================

    "Oh, look at the dead bird."
    Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"

    =======================================================

    Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
    Because below 18 was not allowed.