Hope it's not a repost =)

Never Lie to Women

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunityfor me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good>> wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box..." Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

got this emai today...very funny
maybe slowpoke...

(let's try ...can't attached pic to the post in office..if pic did not appear...will repost when i got home)

A station in Tennessee was trying to make the high cost of gas worth the price so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week

       

i dont get the bus depot joke

I got this joke from my email. Not sure whether it's reposed. Sorry if reposed already.
Guy A, Guy B and Guy C was given a test. They had to choose an item to use in a hot weather. Then the president will try to understand why they had chosen that item. Guy A chose a bottle of water. Guy B chose an umbrella. Guy C chose a car door. So the president said

President : Hmm. Guy A, I know why you chose a bottle of water. Is to drink when you're thirsty. Very Good! Hmm. Guy B, I know why you chose an umbrella. Is to open it up when you are hot. Good! Hmm. Guy C, I really do not know why you chose the car door. Can you tell me why.

Guy C : Haiyo. So simple. To wind down the window when hot mah!

*Guy A and Guy B laughed till they drop* *President was stunned*

Glad to hear that. I will continue to share if i have more jokes then since there is someone out there appreciate it. 

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Nice jokes.

To be totally honest, with no intention whatsoever in offending anyone, I find some Darwinian worthy replies funnier than the jokes themselves.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the Middle
of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He Called his wife for assistance,
after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, The peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart, What do you think he's going To be when he grows
older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'

After getting all of Pope luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me your Holiness," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, "You been drinking, John?"

Cop: "No Sir."

Chief : "Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

---

Added on May 26, 2011, 6:16 pma duck goes into a bar
duck:got any bread
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
bartender:no and if you ask me if I've got any bread again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar
duck:got any nails
bartender:no
duck:got any bread

I got that Pope's joke in email too but then doubting to post it as contained religious context. Haha..

Got this in my email

Dog walking

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

   
    Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
   
    'What does that mean?' asked the child.
   
    'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
   
    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
   
    He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
   
    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
   
    Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
   
   
   
    The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'