+999999999999 this is win !!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris.. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ashole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ashole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ashole!" It
always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'ashole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an ashole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ashole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ashole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler,
and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Don, you're an ashole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now,
when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called ashole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an ashole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "ashole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler,
I have a black Bimmer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ashole," and hung up.
Then I called ashole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, ashole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
I answered, "Well, ashole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down
in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.

This post has been edited by sootienann: Dec 2 2009, 11:00 AM

what similarities do semen and mayonnaise have in common?
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lady's choice

LOL!!Never tot of tat

Mr. anderson has an appointment with a doctor. In the appointment, the doctor will tell Mr. Anderson the test result of his sickness.

Mr. Anderson : So what's wrong with me doctor?

Doctor : Well, i have some good news and bad news. Which one do you
want to hear first?

Mr. Anderson : The good news.

Doctor : We'll named the disease after you.

Lol Tiger. All this while the world watched Tiger Woods while the real action was happening with Tiger's wood.....

Little Johnny

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

+1

Men & Shopping

.After I retired my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring. My Wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the staff passed out.

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said,
'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She
said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you
manage it?'

The old man grinned and said

'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled,
and said, 'Well, you surely are something else!
How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling,

patted him on the back and said:
'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.
This one's black.'

Two gay men decide to have a baby..

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital...one dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another.'

The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his arse.

IDIOTS so far in 2009..

Number One Idiot, so far in 2009

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..


Number Two Idiot so far in 2009

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.


Number Three Idiot so far in 2009

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ..
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Noosa!


Number Four Idiot so far in 2009

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later.


Number Five Idiot so far in 2009

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..


Number Six Idiot so far in 2009

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA .


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne .


JUST AN IDIOT :

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.

Time Machine.

Barak Obama and Kevin Rudd are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

The both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.

"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout,

he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president,

crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There

are no worries"

Kevin thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of

that" so he asks "What will Australia be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

"Come on Kevin" says Barak, "What does it say ? "

Kevin replies ...... ."I can't tell ! It’s all in Arabic!"

Subject: Last night I was depressed...


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
government health care, real estate prices, the stock market, the
federal deficit, Iraq , Afghanistan , global warming, my savings,
Social Security, and the credit card debate. I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was
suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Airline Reservation

Seorang pencuri sangat pakar merompak bank di mana kepakaran utamanya adalah memecahkan kod rahsia pintu lemari besi. Ia selalu bekerja sendiri tanpa dibantu anak buah atau asistennya. Suatu ketika, ketika di tengah malam dia memasuki sebuah bank yang baru 1 minggu dibuka / dirasmikan. Sebuah lemari penyimpanan dengan nombor rahsia yang paling canggih berhasil dibukanya. Namun ia sedikit hairan kerana di sana tidak terdapat wang sama sekali, melainkan cawan-cawan berisikan puding warna susu. Ruangannya pun dingin sekali. Akhirnya ia memutuskan untuk memakan puding- puding tersebut sebelum membuka lemari besi lainnya. Kerana lapar ia habiskan semua puding di lemari besi pertama.

Lemari besi kedua berhasil dibuka, sekali lagi ia terjumpa puding dalam cawan-cawan plastik. Seluruh lemari ada 5 unit, dan kesemuanya berisi puding, dan ia menghabiskan banyak sekali puding. Namun ia dengan kekenyangan pulang ke rumah dan masih agak heran, kenapa bank itu tidak menyimpan wang sama sekali. Atau mereka memang sudah mengetahuinya akan dicuri? Aah biarlah yang penting aku kenyang serunya.

Keesokan paginya dengan setengah mengantuk ia terbangun kerena suara penghantar surat khabar memasukkan surat khabar ke dalam rumahnya melalui celah jendelanya. Sambil menguap dia membuka surat khabar dan terpaku melihat Head Line di halaman pertama dengan judul bertuliskan dengan huruf yang besar -besar.

"BANK SPERMA DIROMPAK"

I LOL'ed

Christmas lights




"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.



The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days.

I had more people come screaming up to my door.



Two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).



She was one of many people who attempted to rescue him.

LOL that's too funny