Thought for the day...




Why is it when your wife gets pregnant,
all her friends rub her belly and say "Congratulations!"

But nobody rubs your d*** and says "Good Job"?

their friends love babies but not your d*** XD

wow!!!!
good jokes!!!

Best negotiator.



A Mexican maid asked her female boss for a pay increase. Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase...The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

---

Added on February 1, 2010, 10:09 am$50

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!!!!!!'

---

Added on February 1, 2010, 9:01 pmFive rules for men to follow for a happy life



1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other



Signed
Tiger Woods

---

Added on February 3, 2010, 10:15 amDoctors Advice

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

---

Added on February 9, 2010, 3:13 pmAt school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of
medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'

'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: '<removed>.'

'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister
Catherine.

'It is used for diarrhoea.'

'And who told you this, Johnny?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a
<removed>, and maybe that piece of shit will get harder.''

Sister Catherine fainted

---

Added on February 14, 2010, 10:04 am

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK .......


You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter ....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired . . . .

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Feb 14 2010, 10:04 AM

Lol good joke good joke.Keep it coming

Absolutely the best medical advice...


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

POEMS FOUND IN TOILETS (in Singapore )

THE 'FUTURE' IS IN YOUR HAND ,

HOLD IT GENTLY'



Excellent poems by not so famous poets... found on toilet doors and walls.......
A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some ******* stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.


Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted


Someone who had a different experience wrote,
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!


Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets .
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.


There are also people who come in for a different purpose....
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come
here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls.....


Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space.......
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

Why Osama does not dare to mess around with China ?

賓拉登說：中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Bin Laden said: China is the
world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with

原因是這樣的：基地組織曾派出八名恐怖分子襲擊中國，結果如下：
The reason is this: al-Qaeda
terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese with the following results:

*一人在炸北京西直門立體交通橋時，在橋上迷了路；
One person was to explode a bomb
in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest gate of Beijing ) but
he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic bridge

*一人在上海坐公車自殺炸彈時，擠了兩小時沒擠上車；
One person in Shanghai was to
take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in the bus, but it was
so crowded he could not get into a bus for two hours

*一人在武漢炸超市時，炸彈遙控器被偷；
One person
was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan , but found that the
bomb remote control was stolen

*一人在炸成都政府大樓時，在門口被保安當作疆獨份子逮捕、狂揍、逼供；
One person wanted to bomb
government buildings in Chengdu , but was stopped at the door
by the security staff and arrested as an East Turkistan
separatist, and was beaten and interrogated

*一人成功地河北炸礦，死傷數百人，潛回基地組織後，半年都沒見任何到有新聞報導，遂被組織以"謊報戰果罪"處決了（這個最可憐！）；
One person succeeded in bombing a
Hebei mine, with hundreds of people dead and wounded, and
then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but even after six
months, failed to see any news reports on the success of the
bombing (due to news blackout by the China government), was
considered by the organization to claim a false victory and
was executed (this is the most pathetic!);

*一人曾經嘗試炸廣州，結果剛一出火車站，炸藥包就給飛車黨搶了；
One person had tried to bomb
Guangzhou , but as he came off the train, a motorcycle robber
(flying car robber) snatched his bag (containing the bomb) from him

*一人剛到西安就失聯，後來在醫院找到人，但卻是在昏迷當中，醫生說他不但吃到黑心食品，還喝到假酒，可能會成為植物人；
One person who arrived in
Xi'an lost contact, and was later found at the hospital
in a coma. Doctors said it was the result of him
eating not only "black-hearted" food products, but
he also drank fake alcohol, and would possibly be in a vegetative state

*後來，賓拉登改派一名女恐怖分子去炸海南島，結果竟然被騙去賣淫！！
Later, bin Laden tried to send a
female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island , but she was
cheated into prostitution

最後，賓拉登不得不說：記得！！中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Finally, bin Laden have to say:
Remember! ! China is the world's only country we
absolutely cannot mess with!

Remaining as enemies
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... This hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

---

Added on February 28, 2010, 11:40 pm Affairs and Honesty Pt.1

A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his
wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying *******! You've been playing golf!".

---

Added on February 28, 2010, 11:44 pm The 2nd Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love,"
she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right,go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you


This post has been edited by JustCallMeV: Feb 28 2010, 11:44 PM

Confession.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

In a



Chicago



hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.









A nurse noticed his predicament.









Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the







Buttons on the wall.'









He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.









Each button was identified by letters:



WW ,



WA



, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.









Who would know if he touched them?









He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.









What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.









Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.









When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.









When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.









Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.









'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.









'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'









MEN NEVER LISTEN

good joke or good job?

i LOLed so hard!!

Speechless on the osama and china joke..never knew china was so dangerous XD

I'll just leave this here

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Fred.. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club...

Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.


Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Fred, you picked up a real b**** this time.'




Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible That the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each Other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, He would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM And he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
The bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.

God may have created man before woman,
But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

nice jokes. Singaporean will hunt u down.

Just got it from an e-mail 5 minutes ago. LOL


Family Problem

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to
get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't
even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a
woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot
of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a
couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married
her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's
father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and
so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my
brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I
am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted

This post has been edited by sueannee: Mar 23 2010, 11:23 PM