Yeah there was a an old song on that.

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"


She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies,
"I won $12 , here's $6 - now take off!"

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

What the hell were you thinking?

Did the Priest Lie?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:

Woman: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

Priest: "Of course. What may I do for you?"

Woman: "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me......... Under your robe perhaps?"

Priest: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

Priest: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. "

The official thought this answer strange.

Custom Officer:: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Priest: "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Custom Officer:: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Now............................................ truly, did the priest lie?

Don't laugh at the Singaporeans.

It would be much worse in Malaysia once the GST is implemented.





Poem on life in Singapore............



Seems to portray life at home quite accurately.

REFLECTION OF A TYPICAL SINGAPOREAN



I am Ong Ah Tee living in Kampong Chai Chee

Life used to be simple and HAPPY

I worked hard in my STUDY

I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3..

Primary school was quite easy I passed PSLE



Then I went to SECONDARY

The subjects include HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY

Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY

After O levels I went to JC



They said you live in Singapore very LUCKY

This is a small humid tropical COUNTRY

Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES

Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY for the tour of duty

After that we may continue our Studies

The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV

They come to this world only to "lim kopi, kway jit chee

No one lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY

I want to take up IT, but I had no money to go to University or Poly

So I went to work at FACTORY

Working hard to earn a little lousy SALARY

After CPF and INCOME TAX, I have just enough money to buy ROTI and ride in
MRT.


My bosses show me no SYMPATHY

Mumbling over my shoulder daily: "HURRY, HURRY and HURRY !"

Accusing me of always trying to get MC

But my sickness was due to over stretch OT

Going home after midnight by TAXI

And they pay me only bus fee



My colleague likes me because of my honesty and can easily bully

They said I don't know how to carry.

I Park-Tor and became STEADY

Finally had to MARRY

Because gahment gave baby bonus MONEY

I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY

Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY

After marriage, nothing was EASY

In one year, I became DADDY

I can't support my family and our BABY

Being tied down for life to repay 2 rooms HDB and rising monthly

utilities to PUB

My bank account has NO MONEY

POSB balance is almost EMPTY

DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE

Insisting that "Nothing is FREE!"

So I moonlight as KARANG GUNI

Many times I want to jump MRT

But that is not EASY

My wife cries: "Who is going to support me and our BABY?"

So I can't MATI



I went to seek assistance from the MP

His reply was simple and easy

"Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me".

He never tells me any convincing Policy.

How to help the poor with more GST?



Why I cannot have pay increase but they can have increase?

Before, my MP said "Vote for me, we give you sweeties".

Now, they want to increase salary, because "You voted me"..

They claim they made good economy for our country.

They benchmark themselves using GDP.

They said, "To get the best man, you have to pay high fee"

otherwise, they will join MNC. / /

And all your 'char bor' become maids in other COUNTRY.



Next will be the GST.

My boss say "no" to increase in salary,

It's really make me worry.

Our Health Ministry said let GP set their consultation fee.

If the GP charges high fee, don't let them see.

No money, how can healthy

If fall sick, can only mati

In hospital, can afford Class C.

I don't mind all nurses are aunty,

But only one doctor to see

No money for operation, I Tan Si.

Well it may sound Rough, but what the hack its a joke............




The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses in U.S.A.

Grand Prize USD50,000.00
1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked "How do you know dear?"
Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still
in elastic cover."

First Prize USD25,000.00
(2) Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
2 hours later>>Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now.
You got nice house."

10 Consolation Prize USD10,000.00 each
(3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to
have one before."

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes. Nite, iron clothes. Midnight, take off
clothes. After midnight, find clothes.

(6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

(7) A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said, "Sweetheart,
this is my last blowjob for you."

(8) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

(9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

(10) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

(11) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus.
Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just
crossing the tonsils."

(12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world
is a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought

LLOLOLOL!

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'


I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'



'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.


They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'





'I can't find a No. 91'




'take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!

hahahaha...

A marvellous answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..... " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

Hey Mew all ur jokes r nice 1!It really make me laugh

Thanks and get to hear that

i dont get the bus depot joke

Adui. Isn't it obvious? Think again. Read it carefully and try to find the punchlines. There are two altogether

The key word is steal (hint)

This post has been edited by gregy: Apr 23 2010, 09:03 PM

This is awesome!

if I'm not mistaken

the bus they have to take is the no.91 (to go home)

& the no.14 could be the closest one, LOL

No the joke is they r going to steal the bus to get back home..so it wouldnt matter wat the bus number is..and they still wanna steal the bus no14,stop at the round a bout..and walk

That joke really

no no no no no. how come u wanna make other people understand if u also didnt get the joke.