NEVER GET BORED OF JOKES... ^^

lol

Hope it's not a repost =)

Never Lie to Women

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunityfor me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good>> wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box..." Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

Ouch! Pwned kaw kaw

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Added on July 14, 2009, 12:28 amHere's one:

So one day Robin Hood walks into a pub, puts an apple on a guy's head, walks across the room, takes out his bow and arrow and shoots the apple with it. Walking back to pick up his arrow to the applause of the pub's patrons, he exclaimed proudly, "Hood. Robin Hood."

Not to be outdone, James Bond puts an apple on the same guy's head, whips out his pistol and shoots the apple cleanly in half before proclaiming to the appreciative crowd, "Bond. James Bond."

A really drunk dude who saw this then decided to do the same. He walks up, puts an apple on the guy's head, whips out a brick and smashes it into the guy's face! The crowd was dumbfounded. Staggering up to the bloodied man, he mumbles, "Sorry. F*cking Sorry."

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Added on July 14, 2009, 12:32 amAnother drunk joke.

This drunk who was just booted out of his regular pub for drinking one too many, was staggering home on foot. On the way home he sees a nun. Without thinking, he runs up to her, beats her to a pulp, then as he stood over her bruised body, shouted, "You're not so tough now eh, Batman?"

This post has been edited by gregy: Jul 14 2009, 12:32 AM

omg so funny

So....one day a l33t stalker walks into a bar, and....................

and??

....

if i may....a week in silence...

afraid i would die laughing if i read all of them,
so realy3 sorry if this one repeated

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.

The Female pencil got pregnant !!

Which Male pencil is responsible?



THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER

________________________________

another one

Woman in bed with husband's best friend,

phone rings! 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.

She turns to her lover and says,

THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.

_____________________________________

The proper way to pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
Manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
At the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
Your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say : Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
Hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

________________________________________-


taken from bro dareltian in autoworld..
lots of good jokers there..haha

wah,suddenly i became a fan of bro darel...



This post has been edited by iwae405: Sep 8 2009, 11:08 PM

got this emai today...very funny
maybe slowpoke...

(let's try ...can't attached pic to the post in office..if pic did not appear...will repost when i got home)





Attached thumbnail(s)

OMG, she let it out she got laid, and in her "other" cave too..... LOL

A station in Tennessee was trying to make the high cost of gas worth the price so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."


Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week

Read before somewhere but still a good one LOL

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this).....








"For the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"

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Added on October 9, 2009, 10:15 amChinese Detective

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.


This is his report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Oct 9 2009, 10:15 AM

LOL....

This 1 funny.New and never read before.His english owns XD

i play with me LMAO

Harley Davidson

As the saying goes, God Is Great, Read on.


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

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Added on October 26, 2009, 10:25 amPolitically Correct Jokes


1

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the

Attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big

tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we

have copies of everything."

==============================================================

2

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people,
such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in
connection with that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??


Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

=============================================================

3.

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and
asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks
over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"


Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"


And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."


And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says,


"See, I told you no-one would worry about
the 14 million Pakistanis

===========================================================

4.

Pakistani on the moon:
Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on
the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100
Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============================================================

5

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York .
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull
dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the
girl's life. A policeman who was watching the
scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow
you can read it in all the newspapers:


"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".


The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of
little girl" the policeman answers.


"But I am not an
American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"


The next day the newspapers say:


"Extremist kills innocent American dog"

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Oct 26 2009, 10:25 AM

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Added on October 9, 2009, 10:15 amChinese Detective

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

[/quote]


I like this!

Marriage Humour


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy:
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'

Girl:
'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son:
'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom:
'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son:
'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'


'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'


_____


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.

_____