TV vs HP

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be
terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim,

curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and
often demanding,

Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..

Last but not least....... .

TV do not have virus, but h/p yes....have VIRUS.......
once get it, terus KONG........ haha .....
so better choose TV .....

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you
and I value you as a good wife.. Therefore, after reading this letter, I
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old... I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths
teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the
Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years
old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this).....








"For the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"

---

Added on October 9, 2009, 10:15 amChinese Detective

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.


This is his report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Oct 9 2009, 10:15 AM

Harley Davidson

As the saying goes, God Is Great, Read on.


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

---

Added on October 26, 2009, 10:25 amPolitically Correct Jokes


1

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the

Attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big

tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we

have copies of everything."

==============================================================

2

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people,
such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in
connection with that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??


Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

=============================================================

3.

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and
asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks
over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"


Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"


And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."


And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says,


"See, I told you no-one would worry about
the 14 million Pakistanis

===========================================================

4.

Pakistani on the moon:
Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on
the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100
Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============================================================

5

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York .
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull
dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the
girl's life. A policeman who was watching the
scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow
you can read it in all the newspapers:


"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".


The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of
little girl" the policeman answers.


"But I am not an
American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"


The next day the newspapers say:


"Extremist kills innocent American dog"

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Oct 26 2009, 10:25 AM

Marriage Humour


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy:
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'

Girl:
'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son:
'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom:
'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son:
'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'


'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'


_____


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.

_____

Chinese courier service


Dear all Have a good laugh with this Chinese
> > > delivery.Enjoy its innovative delivery method, the
> > Chinese
> > > way... forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!!! IF U
> > DARE... J
> > > J JA family in the Southern Province of China, were
> > puzzled
> > > when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from
> > the
> > > States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead
> > body
> > > was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no
> > space
> > > left in it!When they opened the lid, they found a
> > letter on
> > > top; which read as follows:> > Dear Cousins,>
> > >
> > > > > I am sending Ah-ma body to you since it was
> > her
> > > wish that she should be cremated in the compound of
> > our
> > > ancestral home in Tung Shin.> > > > Sorry,
> > I
> > > could not come along as all of my paid leaves are
> > > consumed.> > > > You will find inside the
> > > coffin, under Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu,
> > 10
> > > packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown
> > Lap
> > > Cheong.> > > > Please divide these among
> > all of
> > > you. On Ah-ma's feet you will find a new pair of
> > Nike
> > > Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy.> > > >
> > Also,
> > > there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah
> > > Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.> >
> > >
> > > > Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is
> > for
> > > Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews.> >
> > > >
> > > Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new
> > Armani
> > > Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys.> >
> > >
> > > > The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on
> > Ahma's
> > > left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei , Ah-ma is wearing
> > theTiffany
> > > necklace, earrings and ring that you asked > >
> > for.
> > > Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks that
> > Ah-ma
> > > is wearing must be divided among my teenage
> > cousins.>
> > > > > > Let me know what else you need as Ah
> > Kong
> > > also not felling well nowadays. I can send all
> > required
> > > things when our Ah Kong goes back too...'

---

Added on November 6, 2009, 2:37 pmDO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges we re actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
=0 D WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a20person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh---ing me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ..
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Nov 8 2009, 01:23 PM

Sex Code

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code"
to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right
now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the
letter by hand."

Man, O Man!



沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。

When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.



沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。

When without money, eat at home with wife;
When have money, dine in fine restaurant.



沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；

有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。

When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.




沒錢的時候,想結婚；
有錢的時候,想離婚。

When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.



沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。

When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.



沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；
有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。

When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.



人 啊，都不講實話：

Man, O Man, never tells the truth:



說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；

Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.



說美女是禍水，都想要；

說高處不勝寒，都在爬；

Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.



說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；

說天堂最美好，都不去!!!

Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.



過去把第一次留給丈夫；

現在把第一胎留給丈夫。

In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.



鄉下早晨雞叫人，

城裡晚上人叫雞；

In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.



舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，

新社會演員賣身不賣藝。

In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will set their bodies to get famous


人生是什麼?

What is life about?



1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority
10 歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority
30 歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!



祝大家愉快，好好做人!

Wishing you all happiness! Be good!

"Gan Bei"

A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.

The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “Gan Bei” (Cheers).

The English man was confused but he continued eating.

This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Gan Bei”

The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.
Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Gan Bei” whilst lifting up his glass.




This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,

"It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY!” I'll pay! So just shut up”.

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little *******

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-----------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well, she's there..

Arab and Jew


An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. And his doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time.

So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied :

"Yahabibi!!, I have Jewish blood now,remember. .!?" ? ? ?????

Airline Announcements?


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything
has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo ... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses........except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of US Airways..'

****************************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

Men are like...

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.



3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.



4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.



5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.



9. Men are like ...... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Why it change?


I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front
of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious
she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'.

LITTLE RALPHY




LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'




LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f#*cking difference?' asks the father..

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation..
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go..'


Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My Father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f#*cking beautiful!''



LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f#*cking business.

---

Added on November 22, 2009, 4:46 pmCan your pecker touch your ass

A five year old boy and his Grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when Gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."

Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer!"

A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little.

Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with milk and cookies. Grandpa asks: "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Laughing, Gramps replies: "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass!"

The little boy replies: "Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these for me!"










This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Nov 22 2009, 04:46 PM

Real Singapore GUTS..

The Prime Ministers from UK and Singapore and the President of USA, were
traveling on a warship that was cruising near Saudi Arabia. The 3 were
talking about how brave their soldiers were when their cordial
discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the
bravery of their own soldiers.

The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he
called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around
this ship!".
The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the
shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks
chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up
to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud
US President replied "That's what I call guts!".

The Prime Minister of UK became aggressive and quickly called his
General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around
this ship!".
The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the
shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks
chasing him frantically. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star
General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud
UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"

The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot control himself. He had to show
that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private and said
"Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 15 rounds around this ship!" The
Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy)?" I just bought my 4-room and
I am paying through my nose. Now, you want me to jump and die, eh? If you
want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself! The
Singapore PM smiled and said "Now, that's what I call guts!".

Computers...

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?



Female customer: A white one...




===============


Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


============== =


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

What I Want In A Man!

Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. &nbs p;Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.


AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE
DAY AND S AID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP
CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I
GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA
SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE
LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED
AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE
CRISIS