Okay I hope this is the right place to share my problem and request for advice especially from those who experienced the same issue with me...

Let's talk about the background of my boyfriend and his family. His parents are divorced and left with only Mother, First Son (boyfriend) and Second Son. The mother never remarried though she did had few boyfriends along the way. From the way I observed and from what his favourite aunty told me, his mother ALWAYS PAMPERS him since young and calls him every day without fail. The younger brother was more of a lesser favourite among both ... high possibility that my boyfriend looks a lot like his father and also because he's the first born. Because of that, my boyfriend took advantage of her over-pampering characteristics when he was young but now he's a lot better .

Okay brief history over.. let's look at current situation.

My boyfriend is now 32 years old. We've dated for a year already. When I gave my number to his mother initially, I thought I was scoring high because she was calling me every now and then to tell me to take care of him, give me medicine (he's a little unwell and I do not really want to share .. don't worry it's not fatal and it's only minor sickness that he as an adult can handle ), tell me not to pamper him too much or he'll take advantage, tell me to be firm with him. Yea it was enjoyable knowing that his mother entrusted her favourite son to me.

But.. as time goes by.. her calls to me became more and more frequent to a daily ritual. She would call to tell me the same thing for the past one year.. "Give him medicine, I boiled chinese herbal drink and I'm coming over to pass to you, don't be too nice to him, be firm with him, be nice to him, I can't call him where is he?? I made him some barley and coming to your house to pass to you, remember give him medicine, be firm with him, be nice with him, I can't call him do you know where is he? Is he with you?"

Note : He moved out and staying with me now.

Yea perhaps to most of you, just reading like this seems normal and perhaps something to be proud of .. but PLEASE TRUST ME IN THIS ... the frequency of her calls to me and to him daily becomes an overload for me to handle. It's like a mother who just refuse to treat her son as a man ... a real 32 year old man. He's embarrassed by it at times cause when I talk to him about his mother's obsessed behaviour, he would get angry.

I later found out from my boyfriend that she's like that since young .. he told me that she pampers him a lot and treats him like a child. Even now when he's 32, she would still call him at least 10 times a day (I know cause he shows me all her calls and missed calls) and he would get really annoyed sometimes leading to argument because she would do it during our working day. Like yesterday when she called him during his meeting. She called few times (because by now me and him often refuse to pick up her calls cause we knew it'll always be the same topic). After 3rd or 4th ring he picked up during the meeting worried it was emergency.

Him : Hello?
Mom : ... Where are you??

BOOM! He exploded and argument started. I don't blame him for being annoyed with her. It's working day, and working time .. and an obsessed mother would call and ask where is he when he's very busy in a meeting ... I would react the same way too.

By now I have stopped picking up her calls and my boyfriend too stopped picking up her calls ... he would let her call him many times and only pick up when he's convenient or night time. But the topic will always be the same ... "Have you taken your medicine? I boiled you barley, I'm coming over to pass to you. How come never pick up my call?? Don't be rude to me! Etc etc etc"

For me, I totally stopped picking up her call. In fact I have blocked her incoming calls and asked my boyfriend to tell her that my sim card is broken. Yes I'm that afraid of her now! I couldn't take the nagging sound of her daily telling me the same thing over and over again .. it's like an obsession to a young child!


Again I ask you all this ... reading seems easy as compare to experiencing it. Please be empathetic with me and understand my situation here. I don't hate her of course. And I don't think there is anything wrong with a mother's love... but in this case I personally feel that it's more of a love that leads to an obsession. He's 32 and I'm 29 .. we're both adults .. and we're feeling the burden of his mother constantly nagging down our necks. He told me she did the same to his ex-girlfriend too last time.. constantly calling her over the same topic. That time his ex stayed with them under one roof. Called her, knock on the door to talk to her about him when he went out ... or sometimes when they argue downstairs she would walk to the room where she's hiding and knock on the door to talk to her ... etc etc etc.

I'm not worried of marriage but I'm worried that one day she might stay with us .. and there's no way of me escaping the face-to-face daily nagging and treating us like children ...

Please help ... I'm desperate ...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Some updates of my recent findings: http://ezinearticles.com/?Parental-Obsessi...ction&id=690964

"Umbilical Addiction, the most common form of this disorder is in women, the maternal instinct propagating into an obsessive need to smother and control, turning the child eventually into an over weaned, incapable shadow."

"As the child becomes older, the early spoiling tactics produce unacceptable acts of rebellion and disobedience, usually incurring the disapproval of the rest of the family. The child staggers into adolescence displaying alarming behavioral dysfunctions such as thieving, lying, rudeness, and always the young adult will continue to remain closely attached to the very parent causing the damage." - Yes he used to be very rebellious when he was young but good thing is he's not attached to his mother.

"Elaborate lies may be invented to cover misdemeanors, both by the parent and the offspring, until eventually, as the young adult leaves school and enters the workplace, the delinquent has developed into a dangerous, ego obsessed, narcissistic psychopath." - He's not dangerous or psycho but he's narcissistic and to an extent, egoistic but bearable.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Some updates ...

24th August, Saturday - My boyfriend and I went to Malacca to visit a temple for prayers. His mother called him while we were getting ready to burn joss stick and pray (there were about minimum 8 Gods there to pray). Hence, he told his mother that we were about to start our prayers and conversation ended. We silent our phones, put our things aside and went off to pray to each God.

After were were done and checked out phones, I had 18 missed calls and he had 10 missed calls from his mother. I even had 3 sms from his mother asking "Why you don't want to pick up my call" and "Pick up my call"

So I quickly told my boyfriend to return her call. We already knew what was going to happen since she could sms me like that. The moment he called she went mad and scolded him for not picking up her call and he started reasoning with her that we were praying and we silent off our phones and put aside to avoide distractions at a sacred place. She refused to accept his reasoning and said, "You could have at least sms me!!" He explained again that we both silent our phones and PLACED ASIDE so we won't even realize anybody was calling. But she refuse to accept and continued to scold him with unreasonable excuses. He got angry and shouted back and all I could see from the temple entrance was him shouting over the phone far away from the temple. After that nothing happened until ...


26th August, Monday - When we got back from work, shortly after that his mother got home. I called her as most would do when an elderly is around to show respect but she never bother to respond to me. She just nodded her head and went off to do her things. I then left to take my bath while my boyfriend cooked dinner. Next thing I knew, while showering in the loud gushing water, I could actually hear my boyfriend and my mother shouting at each other out of sudden. I ended my bath and listen to their shouts. Neighbours were watching. But I could clearly hear what was the argument about ... it was about the incident that we didn't pick up her call on Saturday when we were praying. "OMG" I was thinking ... I could hear her clearly saying that "You both never bother to answer my call! No respect!! Called so many times!!" and "You both could have sms me if cannot pick up!!" When he kept repeating, "We were praying and we silent our phones and placed aside!! We need to respect the sacred place! At least we returned your call immediately after that!!" But she still repeated the same thing, "Excuses!! You both just want to avoid me! Move out!! Move out of the house!!"

@_@

There I was hiding in my room and next thing I know she came to the room knocking hardly on the door. "Neshimaru!! I'm telling you now .. you and my son have no respect for me! Both of you move out!!" and she continued to bang the door as my boyfriend trying to stop her. I got angry and opened the door and then explain to her firmly what happened at Malacca, that we were praying. But she pointed her finger at me with her piercing eyes and shouted, "You both have no respect for me!! Move out!!"

I cried after that and had no choice but to call her sister who is my boyfriend's aunt to talk to while they continued arguing. His aunt thought it was odd too that she took it so offensively and kept it for days and bring it back up to argue with us. She calmed me down over the phone and assured us that she will talk to the mother.

This post has been edited by Neshimaru: Aug 27 2013, 11:33 AM

Long story and I am sympathetic to your cause. Although I cant give you professional advice I wish you the best of luck.

I think your future mother in law need psychological help!

Thank you for your kind sympathy ..



I think so too .. I think she needs to learn to let go of her child before things becomes worst ...

ask your bf to talk to other relatives to talk to her about this matter... if can get the ex husband also can..

Consider yourself lucky to have mommy around. Shes probably the only person who loves you unconditionally.
You know your bf background, as a single mom, how much she has to go thru to raise her boys?
Yes shes annoying, yes she worries too much. Because you guys taken her for granted.
Instead of bringing up this issue to your bf, you could have talk to her or at least see things on her perspective. Yet you behave like any other selfish gf by salvaging their relationship.

Please, dont ignore the poor woman. Talk to her, try to work things out. My mom died a few years ago. Its too late for me to realized all this. Just remember one day you gonna be the mother of a son. What you would do?

First, sit down and talk to her nicely.

Last resort, get her to see a psychiatrist.

Heh, mother with dependency personality. Will often raise a child with codependency characteristics.

Nothing new here. Move along.

I tried talking to him but he gets agitated whenever I do cause he's embarrassed by it ... so I don't want to put too much burden on him.



I didn't plan to salvage. In fact I told him to pick up her calls whenever she call but I also understand why he doesn't because every call is the same and he's too busy. Once a day is alright but few times a day saying the same thing ... it's hard for him to be patient for a long period of time especially being a Manager and chasing datelines. If you ask me what would I do when I'm a mother .. I guess it's mother and daughter influence. I would do like how my mother treats me and my brothers too. My mother now do not breath down our necks as we are all adults and have moved out (I'm the youngest and I'm already 29). She always tells us that we are all adults and she doesn't want to treat us like children anymore. Any mistakes that we do outside is our own to learn and experience. She just want to enjoy her retirement without us distracting her peaceful retirement life. That's why it's whole different situation for my boyfriend's mother because she's totally opposite from my mother. He loves her very dearly but he just want to be treated as a grown man ... guess not everybody can understand our situation.

Oh on a side note .. my parents are divorced too and me and my siblings followed our mother side. And I'm sorry about your mother passing on.




Hmm.. is that necessary? I doubt she needs to see one but I feel that my boyfriend should talk to her one-to-one ... to tell her that he's a grown man but he will never leave her .. to tell her to let him grow up or it will ruin his future as a man and a bread winner in the family. I can't be the one to talk to her since i've only dated him 1 year .. I feel that I'm not in the position to be that honest with her just yet. She can get really pushy and aggressive with us at times over the phone and it's heavy on our shoulders ...

your bf might be the only thing close that the mother thought she has, effect from the previous divorce i think. that would explain why she is so clingy to his son.

in short, she is lonely.
( i have a similar background as yours.)

This post has been edited by ymc2303: Mar 8 2013, 12:32 PM

Yes, it's your boyfriend who needs to do the talking.

Thanks for your comments ... I did some readings about codependency between parents and children after reading your comment and it does show in my boyfriend .. which is an eye opener for me. He's very much dependent on my strong personality but as he says it.. "I love your strong personality .. stronger than me!"

I think this whole issue is going to ruin the son's characteristics if he doesn't want to really sit down and listen to me about all these behavioural problems... He's a nice person overall.. don't get me wrong by thinking he's a bad person now..

Yes I did thought about that .. I did once suggested to my boyfriend that perhaps she needs to find some new hobbies that involved in groups or a new partner to share her retirement life with ... but it didn't really get into his head.. perhaps I will try again when the time and place is right to bring this up .. he's still very sensitive whenever I bring it up due to the fact he's embarrassed about it ...



Will try to talk to him again .. thanks!

Hi TS ... i will try to make this as polite as possible but forgive me if I can't ... first of all I can say I totally understand your bf's mom as my mom is also like that ... I'm in similar position ...

1) From a mom's perspective ... the kid is ALWAYS a kid ... no matter 10 years old 20 30 or even 40 ... that guy will always be the mom's KID ..

2) She's a single mom ... can you just imagine how INSECURE she would feel ... with only 2 sons ... if this 2 sons leave her ... she eat what ? Poor lady ... you guys have no heart ? By the way how in the world can your bf be irritated by his mom ? Only your love towards him is love ? His mom's love for him is not love? Will ur bf be irritated by u if u call him 10 times a day and keep saying i love u i love u i love u ? annoyed by her mom by repeating the same thing ? Last time when her mom is alone without husband .. gotta raise ur bf alone .. crying everyday (if he's still baby) or want a certain toy or what .. the mom got get annoyed by ur bf?

3) If it's to the point her mom is repeating herself like that ... bad news she's probably like my mom ... she is already in state of depression ... and yes serious depression ... not your typical cupid corner omg my bf doesnt pick up my call i wanna die that type of depression ... pls get medical attention immediately ... if she's in serious depression .. she needs EVEN MORE ATTENTION to get better ... so please don't be surprise if she starts calling 20 times per day ...

4) Your bf moved out with u ... I'm guessing her mom would be more traditional type ... i guess her mom would think like you're stealing his son away .. hence making her feel even more insecure ... y would ur bf move out with u anyway ? doesn't wanna care about her mom anymore ? her mom lives alone now ??

Well ... I just feel sry for ur bf's mom that's all .. advice to your bf ... mom will only have 1 ... gf/wife can have many ... good luck to both of you .. advice to you .. if now u cannot tahan her mom ... break up now .. if ur bf love u so much .. run away with u and leave his mom with his brother ... there is no other choice ...

Btw don't get me wrong ... i'm just giving advice .. not flaming .. to be honest initially I was like you guys annoyed too .. but once you think of all these .. you appreciate your mom more .. i hope you guys can do that too ...

Lastly do not ignore her call ... just pick up and say "mom sry i'm really busy i need to go ..." if she doesn't scream or what . then u can close ur phone ... 5 seconds .. not that hard .. if 1 day she really got emergency or what .. u both regret for life

This post has been edited by GymBoi: Mar 8 2013, 02:19 PM

You can act like a sweetener between them. Get them to open up and work things out. Go to her house for dinner let your bf do the talking.

Promise her something like at least visit her once a week or keep in touch with her daily during free time. You guys have to filled up her insecurity.
Shes just like any mother who is scare of being neglected by her baby boy when they grew up.

Tell your bf not to ignore her nor raise his voice on her. After all he only get to have one mom. I am glad that you are a considerate person. Maybe you can be a bridge between them. Abuse your bf la, threaten him that if he doesn't get back with his mom, he will not get what he want from u la lol.

I'm not saying your bf is a bad person. I'm saying what he is now is a product of how he was raised for the past 30 years.

If his mom took him as a substitute for her ex husband (which is a VERY common phenomenon in divorcees with a firstborn son), that son will define his "self" as an extension of his mother. He has developed avoidance patterns which hampers yours and his capacity for dealing with the dependent mother.

Contrary to popular belief, talking will NOT help. People with such traits will only understand a direct consequence of their actions, because they do not see anything wrong with what they're doing. In fact, talking may actually backfire because you are questioning something they had believed they did correctly in the past 30 or so years.

Take corrective actions. Talking will just be a waste of time.

dump him.
many couple endup disvorce bcos of hasutan from the mother in law.

Dump him now , or you will have a hell of time with him later .

its unbearable for the nagging part. If her mother is the introvert type that does not mixed around well, then probably need to get something cultivate a hobby which she can does it alone.
if she is not able to be independent in the beginning, maybe you and your bf can work out something. I just scared that if both of you are not giving her attention, sooner or later when she got into depression, then its hard to predict. Elderly people who are in depression get sick easily.

I think the problem lies with your boyfriend's mother, in that her world revolves solely around her eldest son.

I am guessing, she does not have any hobbies, a close group of friends, etc. This would not be surprising if she had sacrificed all of the above for him when he was young.

This is going to be really sticky to handle but the best would be to get her out of the house into her own activities and get her to make her own circle of friends. There are a lot of senior citizen gatherings out there, like ballroom dancing, cooking classes, etc.

It is almost cute to see such naivete in people sometimes

1) If YOU don't have any hobbies or friends or whatsoever, will YOU be calling your favorite child incessantly?

2) Why do people love fabricating excuses for the fairer sex?

Thanks for your comment. Don't worry .. by posting this I'm prepared and I'm open to any criticism because it's a very subjective issue unless everybody is in my shoes. I cannot expect people to 100% understand the pressure I'm going through. Oh we moved out cause that's what we want and decided. More of a modern mentality. We both do not want to stay under our parents roof at this point of time and prefer to be more independent with ourselves. My mother is fine .. she's totally opposite from his mother. She said, "Oh go ahead and enjoy your life now. You are adult enough to be on your own and learn your own mistakes. If there's anything you need I'll be there for you. Otherwise, make the most out of your life before more commitments come into your way." Of course.. to be fair my mother is a modern type moms. His mother, I'm not sure. Will be unfair for me to judge what type of mother she is.


Haha I have been telling him often to not ignore her calls or at least drop her an sms if he can't pick up her calls to say he's busy in a meeting or at work. He's still kinda reluctant because he cannot handle the intensive nagging anymore .. again I said .. I can't blame him. He's 32 and his mother is treating him like a child in front of me. Men overall (not all) will have their ego put down into the hole with that sort of things happening in front of their female partners.



Yea she is very stubborn .. he did told her before to not call us every day for the same reason. This is confirmed by his aunty (mother's elder sister) that the mother has the tendency to OVER PAMPER her son till this day and the aunty have been advising her continuously to stop treating him like a child. The aunty told me personally about this. If the relatives come into the picture, then yea .. I think it's a serious behavioral issue now...


Well I can't say she's a crazy mother in law .. the crazy ones are those who want to break off the children's relationship. She doesn't have any motive to do that. Just overly worried and overly obsessed with the sons whereabouts, health, etc .. when he's already 32 years old! Good thing she's not those from the program called "Monster-In-Law" that we can see in Astro lately... she's just obsessed I guess.

Sigh .. I wish his younger brother can do something about it since he's staying with her. But I pity him.. he's not really the favourite. And he's not happy about it. She showers all her love onto my boyfriend who is her first son but the second son .. just shun aside like a blacksheep. Problems problems problems ...


Yes you're right .. as I mentioned to some here .. she give her whole love to my boyfriend but hardly ever give much attention to the youngest son. I pity the younger brother actually. He's not happy with how much she favour my boyfriend since young. My boyfriend showed me the photo album before. She would decorate the album with his photos with tons of flowers and cut outs and writings ... like a typical scrap book ... but when he showed me his younger brother's album .. it wasn't anything near like my boyfriend's ..

I honestly don't hate her .. but I really think my boyfriend needs to talk to her and do something about it. Not to say throw her into some old folks home of course! I'll kill him for doing that! But I think she needs to be occupied with some other things she love to do ... hobbies would be great.



Well quite logical .. I doubt she's too bored at home that she needs to call him unnecessarily .. i believe it's more than that ... but I can't conclude anything that may lead to false accusation about his mother. Just concern that this will create problem in our relationship. Though I do feel that if she has a hobby now it will keep her mind occupied from all the intense obsession with the phone calls ... Sigh .. I just need help .. I hope my post do not cause any arguments among people here...

Mother issues can be a very sensitive topic but I'm desperate for some constructive advise.

You said both of you are adults and I think you guys can have ADULT talk with his mother.
Meet her up and talk about this situation that both of you need privacy and will take care of each other.
Let her understand why she shouldn't call that often.
Instead of calling, teach her how to SMS / Whatsapp.

Previously I have a mother who treat me like a baby too.
Especially after I move out, she call me day and night, I know how it feels listening to the same stuff again and again.

Then I bought her a phone and teach her how to whatsapp and sms after telling her that I'm busy with work and my phone's battery drain fast.
You will need a lot a patience for her to learn.
But guess what?
Now she won't call me unless it's an emergency and she don't nag me anymore because she realise that she is talking about the same thing over and over again when she read the chat history.
The best part of all is the sms-es get lesser because she have her whatsapp group =="

She is plainly boring and have nobody to give attention too so I guess you, ADULTS might try my KID way of handling this over obsessed mother.
Can't blame her for giving all her attention to her beloved son
FYI, my mum was divorcee too

his bro cannot change what is inside her mother's thinking all of a sudden. Unless the mother realize she cannot get love and attention from the elder son, she will revert to the youngest son. (OMG, i have the same situation)..
TS, its best that you get married soon. Have a baby. Then only her attention can be revert to her grandson. Haha.. just a suggestion.

Are you in relation to my boyfriend?? Haha!! He'll be supporting your idea 100% cause he's trying his best to find ways to propose me! Joke aside.. I think you do have a good idea .. a grandchild would keep her smiling bright day and night .. and i'll have somebody to help me look after when I'm back to work ... of course I would get worried that she may convert her obsession to her grandchild that even me and my HUSBAND have no say to discipline our child! But good idea nevertheless!!

Quick call him la.
Ask him what he thinks..

+1.
At least she is more occupied now.
Like what TS suggest, a hobby would carry away some of her lonelyness

No need to call .. he's been bugging me to quickly get married with him cause he is very much ready to settle down In fact he plans to propose to me this year and register by this year. He will be very grateful for your great idea!!



Hobbies always keep people occupied and HAPPY!

That happens because both of you didn't find some time to find her for a simple dinner. However, you have to make her boil medicine and herb drink and come all the way to your house and give him and just to meet his child.

Now somemore want to tell this and make you seem like a victim. How despicable....Are you feeling proud for this?

This post has been edited by heinlein: Mar 8 2013, 04:51 PM

good to hear..congrats..
problem solved.

We didn't MAKE her boil medicine .. and I did advice and sometimes scold him many times to go home and see her and spend time with her but he refuse. I can't force people to do things against their will right? I'm just a third party in this family feud. His mother wants me to side her, he wants me to side him. That's why I'm here for help my friend. It's ok I'm ready for criticism .. it's a very subjective topic unless somebody experience it EXACTLY the way I am experiencing now There's no right and wrong answers here but helpful advice would be much appreciated

I think your MIL needs companion. One thing u should not do is to hurt her feelings. Please appreciate a mother's love and care when she is still around. Not everyone got the chance to be loved by a mother.

She did all those thing just to meet him, you do not expect she came empty hand to see him and sure kena bashed with "You come here for what?" (example). So, she sure bring something and boil medicine so she has a reason to come and meet you and him.

Your method of scolding your bf to go home and accompany his mother of cuz won't work. Scolding never works especially for adult. You shud say lets go back to meet mum for a dinner occasionally and you got something need to give his mum. I dare him wont let u go his mum's house alone

Thank you for your advice

That's why I said "sometimes" I scold him .. mostly I advice cause he's still a man after all.. no point raising voice at him. I even planned for dim sum breakfast with her and his younger brother before but it never work .. he just doesn't want to do it. I really don't want to be the bad person here and I definitely don't want to make myself look like a victim. I hope you understand. Even during CNY I purposely buy her a big expensive CNY hamper to cheer her up, as a reason to see her personally alongside with my boyfriend. In fact even when his mother do come and hand over the herbal drinks she personally made, he would send me to see her instead. He wouldn't want to see her because they'll end up arguing like cats and dogs .. both would be raising their voices outside our home and neighbours would be looking

I did talk to his mom personally before that he's a grown person already and that in order to talk to him, we have to treat him like an adult. But still the same .. whenever she DO see him, she would nag him with a strict and firm tone. And it's been like this for many years and he just .. snapped. He couldn't handle it anymore. Even his aunt (mother's sister) had to tell her directly many times to stop treating him like a young child. Maybe like what others mentioned here .. she's traditional. And at times she can be so traditional that if he's sick for a long time, she would quickly bring him to see a medium instead of a read doctor thinking it's some "dirty" things disturbing him.

I'm lost ...

Your bf does not love his mum is it? Pity his mum who is always making the initiative. Even though the method is wrong, the intention is good.

He do love her .. he can get very protective of her if anybody dare to hurt her or talk bad things about her. I also agree with you that her intentions are good though method is wrong ... even up till today I still remind him to "Please pick up your mother's call and talk to her" .. I honestly don't like to be the middle person cause both wants me to be on their side and I don't want to hurt either one. That's why I blocked her calls temporarily while talking to him nicely to go home and spend time with her or pick up her calls, etc .. but he always tell me that she's very "annoying" .. and he has a very stubborn character ... Both mother and son stubborn lor .... Anyway I really appreciate you talking to me about this problem! Perhaps I will try to re-plan a dim sum breakfast for the whole family and see how it goes from there.

Oh my gosh, arent u the one with your bf's psycho ex?

Now you have your bf's mother getting in the way. When will your relationship ever catch a break lol.

Talking will not solve the problem. Only immediate corrective action will solve the problem.

Here's what I do when my mom calls me up to nag. The moment she starts, I put the phone down on the table and walk to another room. She can either talk to dead air, or she can hang up and call again. If she calls again, I can choose not to pick up, or I repeat the first step. After that pretend as if nothing happened.

It seems that your defending the mother , and you don't want to see it . Well , in the future you will look back at this and say to yourself " ( Fill in the blank ) " . good luck to you

YES!! It's me!! I don't know why! On top of that I'm working full time plus studying masters and all these additional burden is killing me! I need a vacation!


My bf choose not to pick up and pretend as if nothing happened and that's how I came into the picture. She would call or sms me daily to know his whereabouts and etc. It has now reached to a point that even MYSELF became too afraid of picking up her calls, ignoring her calls, cause she would throw her tantrum on me about her son ignoring her DAILY calls giving tons of nagging statements even during working hours. I have tons of things to worry in my job and my masters and I seriously can't handle distracting matters such as these.



Thanks

i think this method won't solve the issue either. it only delayed the issue.
btw, i like this method.. cos i m using it against my mum also.

I only do that the moment she starts nagging.

After a couple of time, people will get it. When they don't, I cut her off by saying "I don't want to hear what you have to say". And then do NOT say anything else after that. If they're stubborn, then let them talk to dead air, they'll hang up because they're paying airtime to speak to no one. And no one in their right mind will do that.

It doesn't delay the issue. It fixes it. If she sees you in person and say "why you so rude ignore me?" and all that nonsense, just say "aiseh, you going to start again ka? I'm going home".

It's called negative punishment.

Lucky my parents aren't like that. I like it this way, they don't ask me where I'm going and I don't have to tell where I'm heading to. Just gotta be back by 2 am or else will start to get calls.

Lol! My boyfriend doing the same too but somehow she's too damn stubborn to the point she would want to come over to our place to see him .. and when she does .. she literally nags him non-stop and they would argue outside our house and neighbours would be staring!


Yea yea she would say that to my boyfriend! "Don;t be so rude to me!" And I wish my boyfriend would reply, "Then don't treat me like a 10 year old boy! I'm 32 now so stop treating me like a child and hounding me on my whereabouts especially in front of my girlfriend!!" Seriously .. I really believe he shouldn't be treated that way especially in front of me .. it really puts his pride down and I pity him for that! Sometimes I can tell that he just wants to hide his face in a hole when his mother does that in front of me!




Lucky you!! Your partner won't have any problems like me then!

Haven't solve the problem meh? You are lucky that the parent didn't object the relationship. There is a girl I love and end up she choosing back her ex whose mum object their relationship.

... I'm sorry to hear about your story ... Nah not solved yet. I need to find the right time and place to talk to my bf cause he doesn't like me bringing it up. It embarrasses him. No not solved yet... Yesterday night she called him again say she wanted to come to our place to give him medicine and herbal drink again. He didn't want to. He knew it'll lead to another loud argument outside our house cause she would nag him and neighbours would stare again. Aihz ... Both mother and son very stubborn.

Should be happy eh. My mum loves daughter more than son cuz my grandma sayang her sons and neglect the daughters. Now my mum anything oso favor the daughters and have the mentality that sons are useless.

That's why I kept advising him that he should go home every now and then and spend time with her. Bring her out for dim sum breakfast. I try to organize also he don't want. So partly also it's his fault I must say. But easier to deal with him than his mother .. scary leh deal with future MIL He doesn't have sisters and he's the first born so yea.. pretty natural he's the favourite. On top of that he looks a lot like his ex-father (divorced parents).

Myself can't say the same. My mother (divorced parents too) favor my brother more than me. He's first born of course. When I wanted to buy house and I'm short of RM5-8k, my mother would say, "Don't ask me .. I don't have the money to lend you"

Then a week later she (probably forgotten what she told me about no money) shared her plans to GIVE (not lend) RM15k to my brother to open a mobile phone shop business .... Imagine my dilemma of holding back my anger. And that was just one of thousands of things that happens to me that shows how much she favours my brother more than me. I'm like a black sheep in the family and it feels empty.

Hmm topic seems to be running off...

No matter what, it is still his mum who brought him up single hand so no matter how wrong it feels, she still his mum. Nothing to be ashamed of. I want eat this and that, my mum just ignore me; she said wait my sister's bf come only cook those food. I was like wtf jor....

I feel you ...

Then just tell her "if you're going to start your nonsense we're leaving".

Again, same thing, just say "if you're going to start your thing again, I'm leaving", and then make sure you leave. NO EXCEPTIONS.

The only way to stop a behavior is to remove the stimulus. Talking will NOT help. To such people, bad attention is better than no attention. And as someone said, "no matter what, she's the mother" and she is banking on exactly that to continue extracting attention from her son. She KNOWS that you guys don't want her to bug you. If you want to stop her behavior, go cold turkey, cut her off completely. Sure she'll be upset and angry and what-not and the relationship will sour for a short time, but she'll eventually accept that.

If I had not said it clearly enough yet, talking will not help. Only immediate corrective action will.

This post has been edited by s2peMocls: Mar 11 2013, 10:57 AM

True ... the more we give in, the more she thinks she can do whatever she wants with us ... and it can be very unhealthy for our relationship. Perhaps by doing so that will force her to divert her attention to her younger son who's still staying with her. She doesn't show the same affection to the younger son compare to my bf and the younger son is not happy about it. I think it's time she should do something about it before she totally destroys her whole family.

And don't worry that she goes around telling people what lousy son/gfyou guys are. There's NO WAY she can tell her story without people wondering why the 2 of you will want to avoid her completely.

You just hit the right concern that I'm having.. I'm worried she might think that I'm the one influencing her son to go against her and that would be problem when we want to get married one day. Sigh.. trying to be a good partner and a good daughter-in-law can be troublesome. But others such as yourself do give a good advice .. "You're going to marry him one day.. not the mother. So why worry?"

Reading half the post here makes me go crazy ... Always remember karma's a b!tch ... I hope your future kids don't do the same to you ... It's his MOM ffs ...

only one last thing to do. Meet less often. Avoid contact at all cost.
if your bf cannot be rude to her mom, at least he can avoid her and thus avoid argument.

But for my understanding, this issue also comes from your bf. He must keep his stand on how he wanted to be treated by his mom. If he had no requirement or preferences on how his mom's conduct and behavior, well of course it is as you seen today la.. but if he did make a clear line on how he wanted to be treated, i mean, her mum would let go and let her son to be independent.

I'm sorry if my story offend you


I believe he didn't make himself clear that's why there is such a problem.

I don't know .. I just feel weird how can people treat a mom like that ... if your mom is a thief, she's your mom ... if your mom is a beggar, she's also your mom ... if your mom is bloody annoying, she's also still your mom.. no1 begs or make crimes for fun ... they must have their own reason and the reason i see why the mom do all that to your bf is because of love ... y must ignore .. btw no offense this is entirely 1 sided story from you eh .. a guy who leaves home and mom for a gf ... doesn't sound correct at all ..

Sorry if my assumption offended you too ...

It's alright! Forum is open to all comments. That's where we learn from each other If I open a topic and expect only good comments that I can accept .. then I'll be very immature. Of course I don't blame her for loving her son .. but honestly.. we are both working adults and busy at work.. and she would call him during his work. Even though he picks up and say he's busy in a meeting, she would still continue with her long nagging story, not allowing him to put down the phone and it annoys him. And this happens everyday. If he ignores her call, she would be very angry and she would try to call me instead asking where is he (when it's logical that he's working). Sometimes she would even raise her voice at me because her son is ignoring her. Imagine your in-law doing that to you .. breathing down your necks trying to find out your partner's whereabouts .. In fact, imagine your partner doing that to you everyday.. your gf calling you everyday asking where are you? Why you're not home? Nag nag nag, etc etc etc. I thought only crazy girlfriends would do that but not from a mother.

As for moving out of the house, well .. in my opinion he's 32 and i'm 29 .. and it's very much the time to be independent. I don't like to stay with my parents either cause my mother still treats me like a child even at my age ... "My House, My Rule!" concept you know? I realised that when my siblings move out, my mother threats them more and more like than adult instead and it works for me too. But different story from my partner as the mother still wants to pamper him and have him under her wings 24/7.

Nothing wrong with mother wanting to show her love. I highly approve of that! But as to HOW a mother shows it is a different story. To bug us non-stop during our working hours everyday can be frustrating. Partly is my partner's fault for not really talking to her about how he feels. Well .. hope you understand my dilemma ... any opinion is open

You couldn't be more wrong. "She is still your mom" is exactly the mentality an abusive mom wants you to have because it empowers her to continue abusing you. It makes you the architect of your own prison.

What would YOU do if you're the one in the video clip below? Is she still your mom no matter what? Have you ever asked the question "how can a mom treat her child like that?" instead?



This post has been edited by s2peMocls: Mar 11 2013, 01:37 PM

The poor guy! Listen to the way he talks .. he's so traumatized!! This is a permanent scar in his life!

foremost, a mum is also a human.

Neshimaru,

Just to share my knowledge and experience of a very very close friend of mind.
Her family and my family very very close. Son daughter, father and mother very very close to us.
Both family goes out to do shopping, eat or even having picnic together sometimes.

For children whom the parents like
From what I've seen from my friend whose mother who has better preference for 1 or 2 of her children, at the end of the day, they also move out because they cannot stand the constants phone calls and nagging.
As per one of my friend story, when she moves out, her mom would appreciate her more.

Knowing that she could take care of herself as an adult after married , lesser phone call to her and nagging then onward but have better negotiation terms then onwards especially when she pays her visit.

For children who the parent have lesser preference
Applying the same concept for children whom parents like, she would not make lesser comparison for her children whom she has lesser preference. her family would sometime call me to ask where about is her brother on certain day and I mention, I was with him.


At the end, both children have better relationship among brothers and sisters. When either or both of her preference return, then onward, he/she mention, there is lesser nagging from her and there are at better term.

TS, try to talk to your bf or future MIL and push her for a hobby. By then she would be more occupy and trust more on her children because other parents also trust her children and why not her.

Furthermore, I believe she would also mention her issue of her children to her friends and they would advice her.
I believes in a parents heart, no matter how right is your decision, she will still thinks she is right.
I even says to her that what your son said and suggest is exactly what other people say to you and why did you only listen to other people.

At the end of the day, it boils down to trust for a son as and adult.

I do not say TS is wrong nor her bf mother is wrong.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me .. It's always easier to talk to those who have the same experiences and able to share solutions. Yes myself is not here to say that everyone should support me in going against the mother because I'm trying to come up with a neutral solution where everybody is happy at the end of the day.

Just two days ago she called him again nagging him this and that and by the time he put down the phone, all he could say was, "This is why I do not want to move back home anymore ..."

It's true what you said about trust for a son as an adult. I wish his mother would take this into her heart and learn to accept that. And yes .. I'm still trying to dig out some info from my partner on what she likes to do most so that we can introduce some hobbies for her.. But my worry is that she may think we are trying to keep her busy from disturbing us .. i mean .. she may take it negatively ..

But thanks for sharing your advice..

thank god the father manage to escape in the first place....


u know why~

why not make a time appointment? like 1 day call at 7am,3pm, and 8pm only?

Yea maybe that would help too .. unless urgent, any other non-urgent matters should call at certain time. But it won't really work cause the whole root cause of the problem is that my partner do not like the way his mother is treating him like a young child when he's already 32. And I agree too .. which guy would want to be treated like a young naughty boy that the mother consistently nags and raise her voice at? What more in front of his own girlfriend or wife? I pity him but that doesn't mean I think she's a bad mother .. just that her techniques in showing love is not right ...

btw...why don't u kindly notify her not to call during work hours.....

set with her convenient talking time...says limiting her like around 8-9pm after dinner and don't disturb other time....

ok try this , try to get your BF to tell his mom that he would be busy through out the day , and saying that you will take care of him. and promise to give a call at lunch & night time . Is either you or him making the calls , make sure you are part of it.

Then gradually reduce to a daily call, with similar reason or concrete reason ... then change to message or 2-3 days / call .... then gradually to a weekly update .

This has to be done gradually it might take months or even years.

Well how often does family catch up differ from one family to another.

In the end we need to space to each other be it couples, parents , children , uncle ... etc

This thread will be funny if mom still calling her married son everyday

Yea should tell her .. but not me telling her .. my partner should tell her!



Good idea actually! It's like letting it slide out slowly and quietly without realising...




I'll make sure to keep you people posted when this do happen after I'm married! Of course .. I hope it won't happen at all!!!

At least the aunty was entertaining haha - talk about dysfunctional families - and the fact that their kids are going to produce even more -.-

But still TS can choose to let it affect her a not.

This is really really bad situation.

In another view, she may be experiencing the empty nest syndrome..
Well.. Everyone reaching that age would have a dream of having someone to accompany her everyday till the end of life, now that she do not go out for yamcha so often.

Her only shoulder would be the first son, and now he's gone too.

I'll be distress in this situation and wouldn't know what to do as well..

My bf (now husband) get calls every week from his mum, his grandma, his aunts to ask us to get married.

Lagi stress..

The calls gets more aggressive when we said no...

This post has been edited by ngsyin: Mar 15 2013, 05:34 PM

1) Most likely. What else is there to do to pass the time?

2) Don't believe that I did?

Well I try not to let it affect me .. Now my partner is picking up her calls because he notice the pressure I'm facing having to pick up all the nags on his behalf.

She should start paying attention to her lonely younger son whom is her lesser favourite ...


Aggressive?? Were they trying to force you both to get married??

1) Then you need to talk to a counselor. That is called violating the personal boundaries of others.

2) You sure did. You don't even know the mother and you're already making up excuses for her by saying "she probably doesn't have any hobbies or friends".

Dude, your bitter pessimism in life really shows in all your posts. Maybe you still need that counselor you were looking for back then in Subang Jaya. Or is coming on LYN to denigrate and criticize every other person's post your form of therapy?

1) But isn't that the whole point of the thread? TS voicing concerns that her partner's mother is violating their personal boundaries?

2) None of us know the mum and we are trying to rationalize why she is acting that way. Note the use of Probably: Adverb "insofar as seems reasonably true"; synonyms include "presumably - likely - belike - perhaps - maybe - possibly"

Yes. They are practically forcing us to get married. Now, forcing us to have children. =__=

and if you don't comply? what would they do?
Getting married and starting a family is not same as going to market and grab some vegetables.. They know that right?

Only comply on marriage as we are of age. As for children. Me and my husband will not comply to their demand.. Ingat easy meh!!! And we are not financially stable yet to have a child...

Pretty sad when my MIL told my husband not to make a wrong move on having children. She asked us to have a baby while hubby's grandmother is around... Asked us to fulfil his grandmother's wish...

All we can do is tell them we are not ready. fullstop.. can't make us have baby anyway... coz I will be the one delivering the baby not them

This post has been edited by ngsyin: Mar 20 2013, 02:09 PM

cos they think you as a baby production machine? No offense.
They ask you to fulfill on what they cannot do themselves.
From delivering to bringing up a children to adult, expenses and cost might be even more expensive than buying a property..

Haha.. They memang treat me like a reproduction machine... Best is to have a grandson tim...
From old folks' point of view, they only wanna see their next generation (which is normal)...
And they always apply their "last time we aso can raise u up this big even we are poor maaa" theory whenever we told them about our financial difficulty...

As long me and my husband stand firm can jor.. Coz they can't do anything except lecture us to have a baby...

Though it's annoying but it's inevitable... Haha...

good thinking ... you can have ur way .. the elders can have thier way too ... doesn't mean they are outdated means they are wrong they just cant understand what we are facing now

get her a pet puppy.

last time they can have 10 sons and 10 daughter, live inside self built wooden house, everyday eat sweet potato, porridge and sometimes chicken if lucky.. now you ask them if they can live in the same condition now..
stand firm is not enough.. you need to see if your are financially ready for that or not. Not one likes to get into debts for having kids and please their in laws..
i think what you can do is let them know what are the cost incurred. If can, let them see the figures.
do you stayed with your in laws? if no, then you are lucky. if yes, then you are suffering.

Agreed. We did show them the figures.. She won't listen.. She thinks it's an excuse... MIL not staying with us at the moment... But we will frequently visit her and the grandma...

Dreading all the "When are you going to be pregnant?" questions...
Sometimes the aunts will call to ask are you pregnant yet??? Why don't you wan children now?? OMG!! So obsessed with my womb!!

Maybe you can let them know that you will have plans for children but not know. Its a news to them that you would have children but just with a 'until further notice' tag in between.

All of a sudden i begin to think elderly people is bit childish at times.