LOL. Well actually I was kinda doing fine and happy and was totally enjoying my actual life before he came into the picture. And then things just got far more... interesting so to speak. It's the interesting things that happened that, idk, made life much more fun because it's been a long time since that happened. So perhaps it was my bad for letting myself go along with something that I instinctively knew would end up badly. But you are right, life kinda does throw things at you when you least expect it. But then again if one is looking for something, some effort has to be made into actually heading towards it. Whatever you can't control, then que sera sera.

3. I've considered option 3 before. But then again, I'm not looking to settle down. I also don't do dating. I just want to take things slow and get to learn and explore someone (i mean, in the innocent sense of course) and then decide if things can go further. I'm interested firstly for activity partners (mostly gaming, philosophical conversations) and then from there if there is a budding attraction, then see how it goes. I know, I'm such a godamned sappy romantic. Kill me now. Settle for less? I already thought my requirements were low. Hell, I don't give a damn if he looks like pudge getting pwned in mid game, as long as he's an intelligent, funny, decent fellow I can communicate with. Communication is arguably the single most important non-tangible when it comes to my opinion of what a great relationship is like. It's impossible for me to get to know someone or start feeling fond of them romantically if he can't engage my mind. Everything else can be worked out later slowly. I myself am far from perfect, who am i to demand things of others I don't possess? option 5 is out of the question. my parents will probably kill me, then disown me. lol. there are some things you can dream about... and just remain dreaming about it. option 5 is one of them :-P
Meh, not into the whole 'how to find a guy' thing. I want someone to like me for me and accept me for me, like how i will be able to do the same because I value non-physical traits above everything else. (Yes spunkberry, that means even what skin colour he is, despite you insisting i'm a racist)

It really depends. You can look around, but there are so many people DESPERATELY searching and never end up with anything because they're desperately searching
lol I'm not insisting that you are - I just find skin color to be completely irrelevant. Just skin color.
as for the bolded, learning about someone and deciding if it can go further is dating

I guess the question would be whether you'll be a casual dater - seeing more than one person at a time - or an exclusive dater.

anyway, for the record, I already like your mentality - very similar to mine.

I agree with the desperately searching part. Some of them even make the mistake of giving up on their needs and making do with whatever they get, which personally for me I feel is degrading and eventually they're just going to end up unhappy... assuming, of course, they're people who strongly know what they want and have taken a very long time to think over what a relationship is and how they can forsee themselves as part of the main variables in a relationship. I guess you could say I see "A Relationship" as an abstract whole and then look for "parts" that can make it work. Parts such as another human being. I know what I want and like, which is why I am not going to just 'make do'. I'm not that desperate, lol.

Actually, I wrote a response to you in the other thread but I accidentally closed the tab and lost everything. meh. Essentially I do agree with you that having skin colour preferences - or any physical preferences for that matter to be superficial. And irrelevant. And completely, utterly irrational. There is simply no utility to it at all. I cannot disagree with that because it *is*. The problem is that I know that I am guilty of it and believe me, I really do feel horrible about it because it's so irrational. I still, however, dislike and am against the use of the term 'racist' to describe it. Racism is a completely different issue altogether. Could it be environmental, perhaps? Was I conditioned since young to be disinclined to people of different skin tones? It's certainly quite possible, since children learn such behaviours- it's gotta come from somewhere. Or could it be that all the people in my immediate social circles from childhood to adulthood have comprised only individuals similar to my skin tone/ethnic background? It WOULD be outside my comfort zone if I have to get to know an ang moh because I would have to make the effort to communicate in proper english (or THEIR english) all the time. I want to pepper my sentences with lah, lehs, lors and malay/manglish because it's what I'm comfortable with. It makes me feel... idk. At home.

I meant getting to know the person as a friend. I don't think that's dating.... correct me if I'm wrong. But if you're talking about casual dating, where two humans interact for the sole purpose of trying to figure out if they're compatible, then no, I don't do that, be it speed/casual or whatever. But if one really has to define the meaning of 'dating' in the context we are talking about, then I would consider going to the mamak's for late night kopi or nom noms as well as spending time together alone doing the same activity as dates. But the line has to be drawn cos if not, then i'd be dating all my friends all the time lol. Which is why 'dating' has a different... objective. I don't do that. I don't understand such social conventions either.

Really, if you have preferences too, why on Earth you think we don't have any too?

The guys that fulfilled your niche has most probably went ahead and get something better or something that they see as a better prospect.

The issue that persist here is how you look at the situation and make the best outta it.

And no, I don't like people to repeat themselves too much. It gets boring

Sometimes it really isn't "making do" or "settling", it's "compromising". Nobody is perfect, so it really comes down to what you are willing to put up with (pick your battles) and what the other person is willing to put up with regarding you.
I grew up in Malaysia, surrounded by racial divide and prejudice .. yet I make an effort to ignore such things. I don't stereotype nor generalize things about a race just because I saw one person do it. Believe it or not, there are a number of people here who are dating Caucasians, and these Caucasian partners have actually started using lah one meh lor as a cute effort to integrate their partner's background into their lives.

As a matter of fact, I agree that you have your comfort zone and stuff, but why wouldn't you even try to integrate someone else's culture into yours instead of only one way?

This is why my hackles were raised when you mentioned skin color. It's one thing to have fundamental beliefs that are so different (like you are okay with abortion and the other person is completely against it in every circumstance) because you will never get along, yes, but to decide that someone with a certain skin color or eye color is only worth being with as a friend is ... extremely superficial.
Then you will never find what you're looking for. If you only want to learn about someone through friendly interactions in the mamak stall and don't understand nor apparently even attempt to understand the social convention of dating, then I'm not surprised that you haven't found anybody. You are keeping everybody at arm's length with what you're doing. The potential for romance is there only if you allow the potential to even be there. Hanging out at a mamak stall is decided friendly, unless you make it feel like a date. It's all about what signals you put through, and it sounds like you send out decidedly "stand back, friends only!" vibes.

I know that it’s never easy when you want to find something good. It’s almost impossible when you’re too different and it can seem like 99.9% of the immediate available dating population is incompatible with you for myriad reasons- and then when you find that one person whom you think you could actually start a relationship with because he’s totally into the things you are, is on the same wavelength as you and you actually like him for his non-physical qualities, BAM! He doesn’t like you enough to want to be with you, citing a myriad of reasons, such as a very pathetic "my typical chinese parents won't approve of a non-chinese' because he’s such a mummy’s boy like that. Bullshit, I say.

Sure, he’s attracted physically and you have some “innocent” fooling around. Then you start hoping that hey, MAYBE THIS COULD BE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE WE’RE SO SIMILAR. Despite, you know, the the 1001 signs that he’s just not there. (Or the warnings from your more experienced friends telling you to be careful.) If there’s anything a girl should know and actually memorize until her brain is sore, is that there are signs he’s just NOT into you. Such as he keeps his current life private and feeds you bits of it but not everything, but just enough to keep you wondering, he doesn’t introduce you to his friends when you’re ready to let him meet YOUR friends, he only texts/calls you for something important or when he’s horny or when he's bored, the only time he talks enthusiastically is when it’s about sex or his favourite game, he doesn’t take the effort to get to know you deeply, doesn’t compliment you (not that you’re fishing for it, but come on.), he flirts with you (even though he knows you’re mostly into women) and keeps you in limbo wondering about his intentions, he sends mixed signals and the most important thing: he doesn’t make room for you as a priority in his life.

Does he have other issues? Sure he has. Everyone has issues. Maybe his loved one just died (The one I’m talking about just lost a sibling a couple of months ago). Or maybe he’s still exploring his life. But that still doesn’t mean that if he likes you enough to want to pursue a relationship with you, he won’t make the effort- because honey, a man who does like you enough to want you to be with him, /will/. Yes, even the one whom you think might not have enough self-confidence to tell it to you, or whether he's trying to grieve, especially when you've made it clear that you don't require much. And if, after talking it out and clarifying things such as your small, budding but definitely present feelings for him and telling him that you can see a future together as a couple and he says nay, HE REALLY MEANS NAY. So don’t bother reassuring him that it can work out. Don’t lower yourself, don’t boost his ego when that should be the last thing you should do, especially since he’s only been liking you for your boobs and nothing else, but you were too f***ing stupid to see because you were too caught up in your flighty romantic ideals about attraction and relationships.

And to think that all this while I’ve been espousing the importance of non-physical traits! Some idiots tell me that my expectations are “high”. To make things clear, I have extremely simple needs. Sex, being well endowed down there or rich aren’t part of those needs. In fact, they’re the last thing I’d actually consider.

My needs? A partner who is sufficiently intelligent to /get/ me, is smart, funny, essentially kind, into the things I like (e.g. gaming, metal, deep philosophical conversations, reading), can communicate in the Malaysian/Singaporean patois I communicate in and yet retain/can switch to an above par command of the English language when necessary and lastly, with whom I can actually get along with intellectually and emotionally (when I say emotionally, it means not being an overly emotional crybaby/whiner, which I presume most men can fulfill). Physically, I do have a stronger preference for fair, tall(er) (I’m 5 ft7, or 170 cm) and bigger men. But these physical preferences can be overlooked if he fulfills the other non-physical qualities I need. But that’s about all. I can’t ask for much because I’m not conventionally attractive in the looks department, but I know my worth enough not to make the mistake of ‘making do’ with the men who chat me up in broken English or who make zero effort to want to get to know me. Am I ambitious? Maybe. Am I playing hard to get? No. Hell no. I’d like to think that I have standards. Yes, even to those small-minded superficial babies out there who see a fat girl (US 18/20) and think “Wow, who is she to have standards?”. To the lot of you, f*** you. The world is bigger than your oyster. I have standards and they’re not conventional standards everyone else subscribes to. Am I going to compromise on these standards? Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

But anyway.

I would like to think of myself as adequately humourous, even though my humour may be nerdy and what some would consider lame (though I do enjoy puns a great lot), slightly above intelligent (obviously I am no genius, but I frequently bemoan how stupid everyone else is, so that’s gotta count for something), able to comprehend abstract concepts and extrapolate easily, essentially kind and altruistic (although I have little patience for silly little feelings and can be cold-hearted at times, but hey, my heart is in my mind) and generally an overall decent person (with a little naughty bits here and there). Do I have character flaws? Yes. I can be curt/sharp and extremely intolerant of inefficiency and incompetence. Don’t ask me stupid questions/be stupid and I won’t supply you with a brutally snarky repartee. See, this is why I seek out smart/intelligent people because they wouldn't be making such mistakes to begin with. Everyone else is mostly not worth my time. But hey! I am human. I am entitled to my flaws. It is part of what makes me, me.

Am I comfortable with myself? I would say yeah, sorta. Sure, I am not at peace with certain physical flaws of mine, but I’m not exactly doing much to do something about them, so I can’t exactly complain, can I? Complaining is reserved for when you can’t actually do anything about them. Hypocritically, I will admit that I tend to complain a lot, though, (because I was brought up in a rather toxic family environment and it takes time to wean off the conditioning) but I’m learning to catch myself when I do that and then think positively and appreciate what I have. I’m making the effort here.

But then, WHY? Why is it so hard to find that one person; one companion to share some special time with? Back younger when I wasn’t half as groomed as I was, to a certain extent, it could be that people your age mostly judged you for your looks (I mean they still do, but you get my point). So okay, I did a little something about that. Then when someone finds you physically attractive and you end up overlooking his bad traits and jarring physical unattractiveness, he ends up not liking you enough. Like… what? What happened to placing emphasis on the less superficial? Is this a cruel joke, God? Are you burning me for engaging in sinful thoughts?

(LOL no, just kidding. I’m not that religious. Blaming some entity isn’t rational or going to help, anyway, especially when you bring in flimsy notions like ‘sin’ and ‘punishment’.) For me, I personally believe in the simplicity of occam’s razor- if there is a problem and if I keep getting into situations because of that problem, then there is a pattern. If the problem is finding myself attracted in whatever form to men that are essentially unavailable, then the common denominator must be me. What is it that I’m doing wrong? Or what is it that I’m not doing quite right? I’m so used to reading troubleshooting manuals and googling stuff for answers that when it comes to issues of the heart, I am absolutely flummoxed. WAT DO?

//But then again, should I even be questioning whether the problem is me? My friends say no, it's his loss, not mine. Really? Is my propensity for making quick decisions my undoing because I don’t consider all the facts and just extrapolate too quickly? Did I misjudge/misread signals? Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Do I have too much emotional baggage? Conversely, am I too unemotional and therefore unfeminine? Do I behave too much like a boy? Do I curse and swear too much? Do I play games too much? Do I argue too much? Am I not pretty enough? Do I like girls too much? Is my goldfish too golde- wait, I don’t have a goldfish.//

I don’t know. I’m not young anymore (I'm 24) and I haven’t had a history of meaningful, deep relationships. But I know that life is too short and my biological clock is running out and maybe I want to give romance a try and not doom myself to ForeverAloneness with a house and 3 cats called Albert, Betty and Charlie. And I’m not going to be happy if I start second guessing myself every time (curse you, scumbag overanalyzing brain). As a friend of mine puts it so eloquently and succinctly – I “constipate myself with mental anguish”. Should I continue being this way? No, obviously. It takes time. What should I do differently without losing my identity?

Many friends tell me, just keep waiting and don’t sell yourself out for the half-baked ones. When the right one comes, you’ll know it and will cherish the moment. And then what? Happily ever after? Meh. I think I should put in effort to find that person. He’s not going to fall from the sky for me now, is he? (Although I WILL ADMIT that sometimes I fantasize about The Doctor falling from the sky and coming into my life to whisk me away and take on journey to far away places in his TARDIS. British accent and bowtie and all. It is a nice dream.)

Sigh.

How long should I keep waiting? Why is it everyone else *seems* to have it easier?* Are their standards lesser than mine? Is the sample population possessing their wanted traits higher than mine? Is it a simple issue of probability? Am I looking in the wrong place? Putting in effort means I have to actually go out and socialize in real life, something I am extremely averse to because I do not like talking to people I don’t know and take a long time to warm up to them. Also, everyone I meet isn’t scrutinized on the spot to be a ‘potential partner’. I start out as friends and from them work my way to see if there are qualities in that person I am attracted to and can live with. But it’s turning out to be rather inefficient. Should I just be like everyone else and ‘play the field’ and get to know as many potential partners as possible? I don’t know. Maybe. But I don’t really want to…? It’s just not my style, to begin with. I place far too much importance on getting to know people for what they are and then deciding. I’m not in a rush to fall in love or get into a relationship, but it kindasorta hurts a little when I find someone suitable for that and find out he’s not ready for that and/or he doesn’t see me the same way, despite how much of his bad traits I was willing to put up with. Or am I just being too self-important here? (Also, the fact that I get butterflies in my stomach when attractive women talk to me isn’t helping. But that’s another issue for another day.) OK, ok, I know I’m whining here. So sue me.

I’m just… I don’t know. Confused. Tired. Jaded. A little bitter. Not ready for rational thinking yet. I don’t know how long I’m going to hold out for the “right” person or whether that “right person” will ever exist.

1. I know. I'm willing to compromise on a lot of things, physical and personality wise. But there are some things that I will not, because in the long run, i know that the possession of such traits are what's important and will strongly influence the direction and success of the relationship. This is what I mean by being on the same wavelength - sharing the same philosophical and ethical ideals and a mutual understanding of what can be achieved of a relationship besides companionship.

2. Culture is different from language. I am more than willing to integrate a foreign culture into my life, since I would do it anyway out of intellectual curiosity. But language wise, I'd much prefer someone already of the same cultural background as it would be easier to relate our experiences and communicate. Mostly it's just for convenience.

3. No no no. I did not say that someone is worth being just a friend just on skin color. This is the point I've been trying to make which you still don't get. Physical preferences are not cast in stone and doesn't mean i have them means I won't consider someone not of them. This is what, the 5th time I've said this. Zzz.

4. Well, I do things differently. I take a very long time to warm up to someone. I like to take my time to consider and think about things. If love happens, then it happens. If fondness occurs, then I do something about it and take it to the next step. I think the issue here is that I'm more interested in making friends with people first and decide if they're compatible on a fundamental level as friends. Is that wrong? No it isn't. It's just going to make the process of finding a mate elongated and tiresome. But hey, at least I get to survey the landscape first. Even if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends.

As of writing this, we've started talking again. Like friends.

All I can say is, if you have expectations on other people, people too can have expectations on you. You can't blame them if they don't choose you , likewise nobody can blame you if you don't choose them.

All I can say is, if you have expectations on other people, people too can have expectations on you. You can't blame them if they don't choose you , likewise nobody can blame you if you don't choose them.

1. The possibility of that happening is there. I will not disagree with that. I like the idea of it being a guideline and not a law. Then again, for me to even FEEL attracted to anyone at all, much less men, for that matter, it requires (and so happens to be) that they are intelligent, smart and funny. So it's not so much as whether I am unwilling to compromise on those traits, but just sharing that, based on *my* experience, I have found myself to be attracted to men who possess such traits and therefore those must be rather important traits to me. Not the other way round.

2. Well, I wasn't, even though I effectively only speak English. I guess you might have it easier in a sense, since you're not bound by silly sentiments like feeling attached to the homeland, lol. There was even a point in time where I told myself that I would never migrate overseas because I wouldn't be able to bear with the assimilation and integration of a foreign culture like myself into theirs, despite not exactly being thrilled about how things work here. But these are issues I will deal with when the time comes for me to deal with. Too early to make any concrete decisions now.

3. okok. I thought you were referring to me. You lah, never say properly. 

4. Actually that kinda happened to me as well. I never thought I'd be making friends with a bunch of extremely extroverted people (who aren't exactly the brightests bulbs in the shed), but I have learnt that there are other things to friendship other than intelligence. Such as being kind, forgiving and open minded enough to accept people for who they are, no matter how 'difficult' or socially inept (people such as... myself). Sure they annoy me sometimes with their trivialities, but I think I am truly fond of them and have grown to really love them for who they are. I also really admire them for their qualities because I wish I could be like them sometimes. But still, there's this thing I felt so direly missing from my social life- an intellectually inclined friend who actually lives near me and with whom I can have great, funny conversations with. And then he arrived into the picture. Maybe in THAT sense one could say I was deprived. Meh. >_>"

Can I just say this- FINALLY. FINALLY someone who actually can actually completely grasp what this whole thing has been about. THANK YOU FOR RESTORING MY FAITH IN LYN. You feel like a kid? PISH POSH. You're way more mature than 3/4 of people here, your opinions are definitely valuable, at least to me. Please, by all means, share your opinions with me anytime. I mean it.

Well I think it doesn't matter what I think of their intelligence. It's not mighty important to me anyway (in the grander scheme of things), and to me, a spade is a spade- they're my friends and I see them and interact with them almost everyday, so I think I would be in a much better position to gauge their intelligence (in terms of how they act and think) as opposed to you who don't really know anything about them. They also do not necessarily disagree with me, which means they know what they're not capable of. My apologies if this comes across as harsh or anything, but that's basically how it is. Do I have a superiority complex? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it's got to do with how annoying people have been to me from young and my misanthropy has built up since then. Could be a defence mechanism, idk lol. They ARE intelligent, but not conventionally (which would mean in the logical/mathematical or fundamentally cerebral sense). I assume you've heard about Gardner's multiple intelligences, and while they may not be academically or cerebrally inclined, they do possess gifts with interpersonal, musical and spatial skills. But mostly when I refer to 'intelligence', I meant it in the conventional sense, lah. I disagree with blinded. I have attempted, many times to try to engage them on political/philosophical issues, but all I get are blank stares and then the topic changes to something else. It is also evident from their academic capabilities and their results on aptitude tests we've taken in school. Not everyone is good at everything, is what I'm trying to say. Do I judge them? Would I consider them to be any less of a person than an intelligent person? Definitely not. They are good, kind people with big hearts. I love them to death!