closed.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Feb 5 2013, 04:35 PM

Thanks for your kind words :-)

I tend to be long winded. Heh. No worries, not everyone likes reading long walls of text. Well yeah, not just haven't, but actually not sure what I'm doing wrong, seeing that I think that my requirements are simple and little. At the very most basic, he's gotta be smart and intelligent because that's essentially what I place the higest priority on. Smart and intelligent doesn't mean gets straight As. It means being able to think logically, rationally and deeply about things, to be able to extrapolate quickly, possess common sense and generally know how to survive life, lah. Of course, this requires the ability to converse well in English, something I know is not very common in Msia.

I question if he exists cos, well, like I said, perhaps I'm not quite rational yet. I'm still nursing sore feelings of rejection from someone whose worth I can't make my mind up on. Part of me wants to blast him for his faults but then that'd be unfair because I allowed myself to be taken in by his virtues and forced myself to overlook his other flaws.

It's not so much about living without men cos we all can do that. It's just that maybe this is my way of trying to deal with the rejection, to find something else to replace that temporary saudade. Sometimes I ask, do I really want to wait for the right person? While this guy wasn't exactly totally Mr. Right (obviously), he did fulfill a majority of my needs. To have those needs fulfilled is a wonderful, beautiful feeling. As a human, of course I want to chase nice feelings what.

24 is rather old, methinks, considering I take a long time to get to know people. Yeah, I tend to get rather pessimistic, but then again, this was written a day ago, when my melancholy was stronger. Yeah, 24 is somewhere in the middle of a woman's prime fertility period. Not that I want to get married la (or god forbid, have kids), but it would mean I'm generally more attractive at this period of time than later (obviously). I won't turn the chance down for marriage if it's really suitable and I can see myself in a long term partnership with someone who can be right for me. I don't want to turn 30 without a proper long term relationship under my belt and then face more problems finding a man because by then i'd probably be too old to be considered eligible. If that happens then forever alone with my 3 kucing liao.

No, it's not a typo. I'm also gay. I mean, I don't get that feeling when I talk to guys and I really, really like women but for certain reasons such as family and religion, i cannot be with a woman. therefore i dont even bother pursuing it. i just admire them from afar. yes, I know this complicates things. but i think what's important is that i can connect with a man on that special intellectual level, never mind my preference for sex with women. sexuality is rather fluid for women anyway.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 11 2012, 11:24 PM

thanks, cat_kaur for sharing your insights. well idk about there not being mr. right la, but it would be nice if i can find someone with whom i can achieve great things with... in the long run. helping each other to become better human beings in this journey we call life. the shitty thing was that from the beginning my instinct was telling me no no no no no. this will not go well. don't open your mind too much. tbh, we started out sexting due to the fact that we both loved boobs. it was very weird, and i should have really stopped, but sigh, romantic side of me wanted to explore. how silly. i'm so used to using my brain and not being sure if my intuition is really my intuition... or just a cautionary voice that i get burnt sometimes. where is the bleeding life manual for interacting with other human beings?!?!?111 why is it so hard to understand people? why can't we all just speak in mathematical terms??

ill try to ignore what people say... but you know, sometimes during cny your relatives will be like 'so got boyfriend anot' and it'll be so bloody annoying because you know they're judging you and all. i mean ya, it's not their life, but it still does have an effect on me. i won't jump on just -any- guy la of course. i mean there are men who are interested but sadly they're all just not up to par in the intelligence department and that is the most basic of requirements which i think im qualified to demand.

First and foremost, my sincerest thanks to everyone who replied. This was not meant to be a particularly cogent, balanced piece since it was written in the throes of emotional instability and thus rationality was compromised.

Here are my replies proper:
1. I agree. I myself don't particularly agree with it but IDK why I find myself following along. Maybe we asian women need more empowerment to tell society to f*** off instead of fearing we'll end up alone with 3 cats. LOL.
2. This was written right after feeling a flux of negative emotions. Life is without a doubt, definitely so much more than that.
3. Yeah, I'm not too comfortable leaving things to be as they are. I'm not even sure I believe in the concept of 'fate' or as i put it, pre-destination. It would imply that all efforts expended into something would be terribly inefficient and wasted because no matter what, you're gonna end up with event X. I'd rather believe that we have the power to shape our destinies and mould it into what we want.

LOL. Well actually I was kinda doing fine and happy and was totally enjoying my actual life before he came into the picture. And then things just got far more... interesting so to speak. It's the interesting things that happened that, idk, made life much more fun because it's been a long time since that happened. So perhaps it was my bad for letting myself go along with something that I instinctively knew would end up badly. But you are right, life kinda does throw things at you when you least expect it. But then again if one is looking for something, some effort has to be made into actually heading towards it. Whatever you can't control, then que sera sera.

/pats pats
Same shit, different pile, eh? What's important is that we've learnt from this and don't repeat the same damn mistakes again.

Thanks for the long, thought-out(?) reply. However there are some things I have some issues with.

1. Yeah, I am kinda fully aware of the lack of intelligent men around in KL (and that I would probably have way better luck and a bigger pool of potentials overseas). Which is kinda why I was so frustrated, because out of everyone in uni, he's like, what, one of the 3 people i actually know whom I can actually get along with on the same wavelength. It's so hard already finding FRIENDS on the same wavelength and into the same activities as you. So, yeah.

2. The way you phrased this implies that most, if not all, intellectual men, are superficial and seem to only be interested in bedding chicks (and they have the mechanisms to achieve that without much effort). I am not sure how very accurate an implication that is.

3. I've considered option 3 before. But then again, I'm not looking to settle down. I also don't do dating. I just want to take things slow and get to learn and explore someone (i mean, in the innocent sense of course) and then decide if things can go further. I'm interested firstly for activity partners (mostly gaming, philosophical conversations) and then from there if there is a budding attraction, then see how it goes. I know, I'm such a godamned sappy romantic. Kill me now. Settle for less? I already thought my requirements were low. Hell, I don't give a damn if he looks like pudge getting pwned in mid game, as long as he's an intelligent, funny, decent fellow I can communicate with. Communication is arguably the single most important non-tangible when it comes to my opinion of what a great relationship is like. It's impossible for me to get to know someone or start feeling fond of them romantically if he can't engage my mind. Everything else can be worked out later slowly. I myself am far from perfect, who am i to demand things of others I don't possess? option 5 is out of the question. my parents will probably kill me, then disown me. lol. there are some things you can dream about... and just remain dreaming about it. option 5 is one of them :-P

Meh, not into the whole 'how to find a guy' thing. I want someone to like me for me and accept me for me, like how i will be able to do the same because I value non-physical traits above everything else. (Yes spunkberry, that means even what skin colour he is, despite you insisting i'm a racist)

Negative. Those first 3 are secondary, physical traits and have not much bearing on what I truly, how do I put this- give a damn about. They are merely preferences and bonuses- i can definitely be above them. good articulation and command of english is merely a part of it because just possessing those traits doesn't make them necessarily intelligent enough for my liking- i'm not a language snob because there's no point being one. what matters is the point they're making. but of course, it excites me if someone can communicate on the same intellectual level because most of the time i find myself having to (this is not a nice way to put it), "dumb" myself down to get a point across. if there's someone out there who can extrapolate quickly and get what i'm trying to say, (i tend to think in abstracts, which makes it even harder!!) then having an fantastic command of english is not really necessary. what's important is the idea and the exchange of it, i guess. in fact my need for having intellect isn't even that high. it's not like im asking for a genius or anything, just don't ask and say stupid things (cos i get pissed off if people ask stupid questions without thinking them through) can liao.

overall in the long run, im just looking for a companion with whom great things can be achieved with. this can be anything, but im hoping it's in academia or business. for me, the "perfect" relationship embodies mutual attraction on a higher level than mere physicalities. in fact, physical or sexual attraction is rather secondary. the right relationship is one that i find utility and efficiency in. I know im not an island and i want to entertain the thought that there is someone out there with whom i can fit with like two perfect puzzle pieces. life is short. i don't know how long i'm going to live, but i sure as hell know i wanna make the best of my time here on earth so i can go without regrets.

i think a tl;dr of my traits i find extremely important is as such:

- doesn't ask stupid questions and makes me repeat myself (i.e. not bodoh)
- can extrapolate/understand me without me needing to put in effort to express myself (i.e. on same wavelength, lah.)
- likes the same activities as i do (nothing in common then susah what)
- funny (because funny people make me happy)



This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 11 2012, 03:07 PM

No. Right doesn't mean perfect. It just means the right person for what you consider important and the person finds you possess traits that he/she finds important as well. Then it's called a right match. Not perfect, because perfection is an impossibility as we're all flawed creatures.

Korean/Taiwanese dramas? Seriously??

---

Added on September 11, 2012, 8:30 pmWhile Sparda is *essentially* on the right track, he got the details wrong. So the eventual equation is flawed. I'm not sure on whose authority he makes the claim that that's what most other girls think, but I sure as hell have a lot of female friends and over the years, I have grown to understand that they don't really care much about how smart the guy is, or whether he is funny, or if he is on the same wavelength, but whether he's physically attractive (to be blunt, not fat) and whether he, uh... how should I put this.... earns 'decently', as well as he has to be kind/sensitive/good boy (take your pick). To me, those are superficialities, although I have found myself being attracted to gentlemen. For Sparda, though, I don't know where he gets his sample size from. Maybe his crowd is different from my crowd. idk.

I think I've pretty much figured out that it's going to be tough to find a person who's going to be mutually accept me for what I am and possess traits I find the most important. No sense in flogging a dead horse.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 11 2012, 08:32 PM

But why are you focusing on the physical traits and completely ignoring the others? Doesn't make much sense to me, since I said it's not really that important to me. Talking about seeing this from a "mathematical" pov, right? You solve the parts that need to be solved first. I don't club and people who club aren't going there to find something substantial. But anyway thanks for trying to help

I agree with the desperately searching part. Some of them even make the mistake of giving up on their needs and making do with whatever they get, which personally for me I feel is degrading and eventually they're just going to end up unhappy... assuming, of course, they're people who strongly know what they want and have taken a very long time to think over what a relationship is and how they can forsee themselves as part of the main variables in a relationship. I guess you could say I see "A Relationship" as an abstract whole and then look for "parts" that can make it work. Parts such as another human being. I know what I want and like, which is why I am not going to just 'make do'. I'm not that desperate, lol.

Actually, I wrote a response to you in the other thread but I accidentally closed the tab and lost everything. meh. Essentially I do agree with you that having skin colour preferences - or any physical preferences for that matter to be superficial. And irrelevant. And completely, utterly irrational. There is simply no utility to it at all. I cannot disagree with that because it *is*. The problem is that I know that I am guilty of it and believe me, I really do feel horrible about it because it's so irrational. I still, however, dislike and am against the use of the term 'racist' to describe it. Racism is a completely different issue altogether. Could it be environmental, perhaps? Was I conditioned since young to be disinclined to people of different skin tones? It's certainly quite possible, since children learn such behaviours- it's gotta come from somewhere. Or could it be that all the people in my immediate social circles from childhood to adulthood have comprised only individuals similar to my skin tone/ethnic background? It WOULD be outside my comfort zone if I have to get to know an ang moh because I would have to make the effort to communicate in proper english (or THEIR english) all the time. I want to pepper my sentences with lah, lehs, lors and malay/manglish because it's what I'm comfortable with. It makes me feel... idk. At home.

I meant getting to know the person as a friend. I don't think that's dating.... correct me if I'm wrong. But if you're talking about casual dating, where two humans interact for the sole purpose of trying to figure out if they're compatible, then no, I don't do that, be it speed/casual or whatever. But if one really has to define the meaning of 'dating' in the context we are talking about, then I would consider going to the mamak's for late night kopi or nom noms as well as spending time together alone doing the same activity as dates. But the line has to be drawn cos if not, then i'd be dating all my friends all the time lol. Which is why 'dating' has a different... objective. I don't do that. I don't understand such social conventions either.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 11 2012, 11:08 PM

Prince Hamsap, thank you for contributing. Have a great night!

LOL. How do I put this politely - what makes you think I've been viewing this from only my perspective? Of course I know that other people have their preferences too. That goes without saying, duh. > _> He's moved on? Lol he's been single since god knows when. He has been having a crush on a girl for the past year and a half and it didn't progress at all. What does THAT say about him?

1. I know. I'm willing to compromise on a lot of things, physical and personality wise. But there are some things that I will not, because in the long run, i know that the possession of such traits are what's important and will strongly influence the direction and success of the relationship. This is what I mean by being on the same wavelength - sharing the same philosophical and ethical ideals and a mutual understanding of what can be achieved of a relationship besides companionship.

2. Culture is different from language. I am more than willing to integrate a foreign culture into my life, since I would do it anyway out of intellectual curiosity. But language wise, I'd much prefer someone already of the same cultural background as it would be easier to relate our experiences and communicate. Mostly it's just for convenience.

3. No no no. I did not say that someone is worth being just a friend just on skin color. This is the point I've been trying to make which you still don't get. Physical preferences are not cast in stone and doesn't mean i have them means I won't consider someone not of them. This is what, the 5th time I've said this. Zzz.

4. Well, I do things differently. I take a very long time to warm up to someone. I like to take my time to consider and think about things. If love happens, then it happens. If fondness occurs, then I do something about it and take it to the next step. I think the issue here is that I'm more interested in making friends with people first and decide if they're compatible on a fundamental level as friends. Is that wrong? No it isn't. It's just going to make the process of finding a mate elongated and tiresome. But hey, at least I get to survey the landscape first. Even if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends.

As of writing this, we've started talking again. Like friends.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 12 2012, 09:52 AM

Yes, but was I blaming him for not choosing me? Lol this is a rant, not a finger pointing game. He has his reasons. Is it hurtful? Yes, a little. But that's life, rejection is a part of it. A part of me is still sore with myself for being taken in in such a manner, for misreading, perhaps, or not being too careful about my emotions. If there's any blame to be made, it should be on myself.

1. The possibility of that happening is there. I will not disagree with that. I like the idea of it being a guideline and not a law. Then again, for me to even FEEL attracted to anyone at all, much less men, for that matter, it requires (and so happens to be) that they are intelligent, smart and funny. So it's not so much as whether I am unwilling to compromise on those traits, but just sharing that, based on *my* experience, I have found myself to be attracted to men who possess such traits and therefore those must be rather important traits to me. Not the other way round.

2. Well, I wasn't, even though I effectively only speak English. I guess you might have it easier in a sense, since you're not bound by silly sentiments like feeling attached to the homeland, lol. There was even a point in time where I told myself that I would never migrate overseas because I wouldn't be able to bear with the assimilation and integration of a foreign culture like myself into theirs, despite not exactly being thrilled about how things work here. But these are issues I will deal with when the time comes for me to deal with. Too early to make any concrete decisions now.

3. okok. I thought you were referring to me. You lah, never say properly.

4. Actually that kinda happened to me as well. I never thought I'd be making friends with a bunch of extremely extroverted people (who aren't exactly the brightests bulbs in the shed), but I have learnt that there are other things to friendship other than intelligence. Such as being kind, forgiving and open minded enough to accept people for who they are, no matter how 'difficult' or socially inept (people such as... myself). Sure they annoy me sometimes with their trivialities, but I think I am truly fond of them and have grown to really love them for who they are. I also really admire them for their qualities because I wish I could be like them sometimes. But still, there's this thing I felt so direly missing from my social life- an intellectually inclined friend who actually lives near me and with whom I can have great, funny conversations with. And then he arrived into the picture. Maybe in THAT sense one could say I was deprived. Meh. >_>"


Sometimes I wonder if you had actually not just read everything, but thought about the consequences of what I've written. Yes, it is true that he would have expectations of a partner. But to have such a long standing crush on a girl (whom he CLEARLY sees as a mate) and not doing *anything* about it doesn't mean it explains why he won't want to be in a relationship with me. What you're essentially doing is blurring the lines. For one, you are jumping to an absolutist standpoint where you claim that the ONLY reason why he won't want to be with me is because he has other expectations I can't fulfill. That is not necessarily true (although it could!), and that you and some others are claiming that I do not actually see that point. This will be the last time I say this- I am more than well aware of romance and attraction and relationships being a 2 way thing- I thought that it's supposed to be a given. It's an insult to my intelligence that you people keep insisting that I am not aware of that fact and I don't appreciate it. It could be that he still has feelings for his crush, or that he isn't ready to be in a relationship at the moment. Which WOULD explain why he hasn't actually done anything to pursue his crush. Yet, he still wants to engage in some fun on the side. Refer to my response to Drian about blaming. I'm beyond playing the blaming game.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 12 2012, 05:38 PM

gee, idk, maybe it has something to do with the people who keep pushing that point across and then making their strawman arguments from there, repeating the same thing over and over again? my guess is as good as yours.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 12 2012, 06:54 PM

Can I just say this- FINALLY. FINALLY someone who actually can actually completely grasp what this whole thing has been about. THANK YOU FOR RESTORING MY FAITH IN LYN. You feel like a kid? PISH POSH. You're way more mature than 3/4 of people here, your opinions are definitely valuable, at least to me. Please, by all means, share your opinions with me anytime. I mean it.

1. Definitely not going to compromise on this, but it's got nothing to do with how "intelligent" I see myself (not that my opinion on it actually matters)- I am merely looking out for what I think would contribute greatly to my notion of a successful 'relationship' (because I do actually have ideas and plans for my future).

2. I mean what I said- that I'm mostly into women. (Oh god, I'm outing myself here in lyn. In b4 homophobes). I actually am a 4 on the kinsey, but for various reasons beyond my control, I am just incapable of being in a relationship with a woman (it is highly likely you will be able to understand what reasons those are). But this should not be construed as 'settling for' a man- I can be attracted to men, though it would take a quite a lot to be sexually interested in one. Meh.

3. Think-tank events, here in Malaysia?!?! Pardon my ignorance, but REALLY?! =o Thanks so much for the heads up; I will google that myself and explore. I need to actually socialize anyway, as much as I find it annoying. I mean, gotta get out of your comfort zone, right... lol. Godamnit. I'm going on a hunch here, but I think I might know how you know I'm on reddit. *stares questioningly*

4. I definitely know that 'deep and intelligent' young men won't NOT give a hoot about physical attractiveness. However, I'm quite certain that if he isn't physically attractive himself, then he can't demand what he doesn't have :-P The immense irony in this situation is that it wasn't that I wasn't physically attractive to this particular.... manboy in question- he's told me time and again that he feels regret that his d*ck was doing the thinking for him. Me, of course, not having that much self-confidence didn't realise the implications of what he was trying to say. This is both (actually) funny and profoundly annoying at the same time, hence my frustration and confusion and the whole doubting my fundamental philosophy about placing intelligence and personality above looks. (FYI, aforementioned manboy is very physically unattractive. By almost anyone's standards. And yet.....) But yes! I know I have to lose weight, it would mean I'm actually putting in effort to make myself be healthy. I even used to do weights in the gym- I'm just waiting for all that muscle mass to actually show after all that subcutaneous filth is gone. lmao.

LOLOLOL *takes a queue number* Haha bukan marah lah kak. Hanya exasperated sikit sebab dah cakap banyak kali. Oh well. No lah, no worries. Didn't take it personally, but I admit it was irritating lol. I totally understand where you're coming from though, but perhaps you might want to view what the other party is saying without the tinge of your own preconceived notions. It's not that you're fundamentally wrong or anything, it's just that if everyone could approach interaction with others with a clearer picture of the issue in mind without any extraneous, personal opinions to muddy it, then I think we could all start to have more fruitful conversations.

Well I think it doesn't matter what I think of their intelligence. It's not mighty important to me anyway (in the grander scheme of things), and to me, a spade is a spade- they're my friends and I see them and interact with them almost everyday, so I think I would be in a much better position to gauge their intelligence (in terms of how they act and think) as opposed to you who don't really know anything about them. They also do not necessarily disagree with me, which means they know what they're not capable of. My apologies if this comes across as harsh or anything, but that's basically how it is. Do I have a superiority complex? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it's got to do with how annoying people have been to me from young and my misanthropy has built up since then. Could be a defence mechanism, idk lol. They ARE intelligent, but not conventionally (which would mean in the logical/mathematical or fundamentally cerebral sense). I assume you've heard about Gardner's multiple intelligences, and while they may not be academically or cerebrally inclined, they do possess gifts with interpersonal, musical and spatial skills. But mostly when I refer to 'intelligence', I meant it in the conventional sense, lah. I disagree with blinded. I have attempted, many times to try to engage them on political/philosophical issues, but all I get are blank stares and then the topic changes to something else. It is also evident from their academic capabilities and their results on aptitude tests we've taken in school. Not everyone is good at everything, is what I'm trying to say. Do I judge them? Would I consider them to be any less of a person than an intelligent person? Definitely not. They are good, kind people with big hearts. I love them to death!

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 13 2012, 01:22 AM

Woman, don't tempt me. Intelligent, driven and headstrong women like yourself are very scary. sebab nanti i terpikat pulak, susah mang. hahahhaha





... ok i'm just going to pretend i didn't say that and quietly exit this thread and lock myself up in a cave. with wifi. bukan plato's punya cave because i pakai lava lamp.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 13 2012, 02:45 AM

Chiahau and shootkk, I just would like to sincerely thank you both for contributing to the thread. I may not agree with what you say, but I do believe in and will defend your right to say it. It is a beautiful day today, let us not mar it with negativity. You both have a great day ahead. Cheers!

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 13 2012, 11:46 AM

1. Never said they don't exist. A few exist here in LYN; heck, the guy I was talking about is one of them. Cerebrally inclined individuals exist in all societies, it's just that the probability of them existing is rather low (although it fluctuates depending on what circles one is in- like you mentioned, they tend to be more prevalent in certain fields).

2. That goes without saying because while intelligence is just one factor in how one is able to process things, the knowledge has to come from somewhere too.

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 13 2012, 12:38 PM

1.because my life revolves around school and immediate circle of friends and i detest socializing almost to the point of being anti-social but ill try to do something about that.. used to frequent a game forum, which is where i met a lot of my intellectually inclined, real world friends. I do have such discussions with other friends from Singapore... but they're in Singapore and the ones that actually meet the mark are either gay or unavailable. (yes, totally using the either gay or card now) but no matter, everything else is just excuses. you're right, i need to actively seek out people of the same wavelength. the internet seems like a good place to start. I've tried reaching out to schoolmates (or at least, my cohort) by writing a long essay espousing certain views (cross posted it to my school's various fb pages) but the only replies ive received were along the lines of 'whoa, that's long'. then i stopped trying.

2. you have made a relatively good point there. i will keep that in mind. in the meantime...


I hope everyone has had a great day. Today is such a beautiful day!

This post has been edited by jlim87: Sep 13 2012, 08:35 PM