I know that it’s never easy when you want to find something good. It’s almost impossible when you’re too different and it can seem like 99.9% of the immediate available dating population is incompatible with you for myriad reasons- and then when you find that one person whom you think you could actually start a relationship with because he’s totally into the things you are, is on the same wavelength as you and you actually like him for his non-physical qualities, BAM! He doesn’t like you enough to want to be with you, citing a myriad of reasons, such as a very pathetic "my typical chinese parents won't approve of a non-chinese' because he’s such a mummy’s boy like that. Bullshit, I say.

Sure, he’s attracted physically and you have some “innocent” fooling around. Then you start hoping that hey, MAYBE THIS COULD BE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE WE’RE SO SIMILAR. Despite, you know, the the 1001 signs that he’s just not there. (Or the warnings from your more experienced friends telling you to be careful.) If there’s anything a girl should know and actually memorize until her brain is sore, is that there are signs he’s just NOT into you. Such as he keeps his current life private and feeds you bits of it but not everything, but just enough to keep you wondering, he doesn’t introduce you to his friends when you’re ready to let him meet YOUR friends, he only texts/calls you for something important or when he’s horny or when he's bored, the only time he talks enthusiastically is when it’s about sex or his favourite game, he doesn’t take the effort to get to know you deeply, doesn’t compliment you (not that you’re fishing for it, but come on.), he flirts with you (even though he knows you’re mostly into women) and keeps you in limbo wondering about his intentions, he sends mixed signals and the most important thing: he doesn’t make room for you as a priority in his life.

Does he have other issues? Sure he has. Everyone has issues. Maybe his loved one just died (The one I’m talking about just lost a sibling a couple of months ago). Or maybe he’s still exploring his life. But that still doesn’t mean that if he likes you enough to want to pursue a relationship with you, he won’t make the effort- because honey, a man who does like you enough to want you to be with him, /will/. Yes, even the one whom you think might not have enough self-confidence to tell it to you, or whether he's trying to grieve, especially when you've made it clear that you don't require much. And if, after talking it out and clarifying things such as your small, budding but definitely present feelings for him and telling him that you can see a future together as a couple and he says nay, HE REALLY MEANS NAY. So don’t bother reassuring him that it can work out. Don’t lower yourself, don’t boost his ego when that should be the last thing you should do, especially since he’s only been liking you for your boobs and nothing else, but you were too f***ing stupid to see because you were too caught up in your flighty romantic ideals about attraction and relationships.

And to think that all this while I’ve been espousing the importance of non-physical traits! Some idiots tell me that my expectations are “high”. To make things clear, I have extremely simple needs. Sex, being well endowed down there or rich aren’t part of those needs. In fact, they’re the last thing I’d actually consider.

My needs? A partner who is sufficiently intelligent to /get/ me, is smart, funny, essentially kind, into the things I like (e.g. gaming, metal, deep philosophical conversations, reading), can communicate in the Malaysian/Singaporean patois I communicate in and yet retain/can switch to an above par command of the English language when necessary and lastly, with whom I can actually get along with intellectually and emotionally (when I say emotionally, it means not being an overly emotional crybaby/whiner, which I presume most men can fulfill). Physically, I do have a stronger preference for fair, tall(er) (I’m 5 ft7, or 170 cm) and bigger men. But these physical preferences can be overlooked if he fulfills the other non-physical qualities I need. But that’s about all. I can’t ask for much because I’m not conventionally attractive in the looks department, but I know my worth enough not to make the mistake of ‘making do’ with the men who chat me up in broken English or who make zero effort to want to get to know me. Am I ambitious? Maybe. Am I playing hard to get? No. Hell no. I’d like to think that I have standards. Yes, even to those small-minded superficial babies out there who see a fat girl (US 18/20) and think “Wow, who is she to have standards?”. To the lot of you, f*** you. The world is bigger than your oyster. I have standards and they’re not conventional standards everyone else subscribes to. Am I going to compromise on these standards? Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

But anyway.

I would like to think of myself as adequately humourous, even though my humour may be nerdy and what some would consider lame (though I do enjoy puns a great lot), slightly above intelligent (obviously I am no genius, but I frequently bemoan how stupid everyone else is, so that’s gotta count for something), able to comprehend abstract concepts and extrapolate easily, essentially kind and altruistic (although I have little patience for silly little feelings and can be cold-hearted at times, but hey, my heart is in my mind) and generally an overall decent person (with a little naughty bits here and there). Do I have character flaws? Yes. I can be curt/sharp and extremely intolerant of inefficiency and incompetence. Don’t ask me stupid questions/be stupid and I won’t supply you with a brutally snarky repartee. See, this is why I seek out smart/intelligent people because they wouldn't be making such mistakes to begin with. Everyone else is mostly not worth my time. But hey! I am human. I am entitled to my flaws. It is part of what makes me, me.

Am I comfortable with myself? I would say yeah, sorta. Sure, I am not at peace with certain physical flaws of mine, but I’m not exactly doing much to do something about them, so I can’t exactly complain, can I? Complaining is reserved for when you can’t actually do anything about them. Hypocritically, I will admit that I tend to complain a lot, though, (because I was brought up in a rather toxic family environment and it takes time to wean off the conditioning) but I’m learning to catch myself when I do that and then think positively and appreciate what I have. I’m making the effort here.

But then, WHY? Why is it so hard to find that one person; one companion to share some special time with? Back younger when I wasn’t half as groomed as I was, to a certain extent, it could be that people your age mostly judged you for your looks (I mean they still do, but you get my point). So okay, I did a little something about that. Then when someone finds you physically attractive and you end up overlooking his bad traits and jarring physical unattractiveness, he ends up not liking you enough. Like… what? What happened to placing emphasis on the less superficial? Is this a cruel joke, God? Are you burning me for engaging in sinful thoughts?

(LOL no, just kidding. I’m not that religious. Blaming some entity isn’t rational or going to help, anyway, especially when you bring in flimsy notions like ‘sin’ and ‘punishment’.) For me, I personally believe in the simplicity of occam’s razor- if there is a problem and if I keep getting into situations because of that problem, then there is a pattern. If the problem is finding myself attracted in whatever form to men that are essentially unavailable, then the common denominator must be me. What is it that I’m doing wrong? Or what is it that I’m not doing quite right? I’m so used to reading troubleshooting manuals and googling stuff for answers that when it comes to issues of the heart, I am absolutely flummoxed. WAT DO?

//But then again, should I even be questioning whether the problem is me? My friends say no, it's his loss, not mine. Really? Is my propensity for making quick decisions my undoing because I don’t consider all the facts and just extrapolate too quickly? Did I misjudge/misread signals? Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Do I have too much emotional baggage? Conversely, am I too unemotional and therefore unfeminine? Do I behave too much like a boy? Do I curse and swear too much? Do I play games too much? Do I argue too much? Am I not pretty enough? Do I like girls too much? Is my goldfish too golde- wait, I don’t have a goldfish.//

I don’t know. I’m not young anymore (I'm 24) and I haven’t had a history of meaningful, deep relationships. But I know that life is too short and my biological clock is running out and maybe I want to give romance a try and not doom myself to ForeverAloneness with a house and 3 cats called Albert, Betty and Charlie. And I’m not going to be happy if I start second guessing myself every time (curse you, scumbag overanalyzing brain). As a friend of mine puts it so eloquently and succinctly – I “constipate myself with mental anguish”. Should I continue being this way? No, obviously. It takes time. What should I do differently without losing my identity?

Many friends tell me, just keep waiting and don’t sell yourself out for the half-baked ones. When the right one comes, you’ll know it and will cherish the moment. And then what? Happily ever after? Meh. I think I should put in effort to find that person. He’s not going to fall from the sky for me now, is he? (Although I WILL ADMIT that sometimes I fantasize about The Doctor falling from the sky and coming into my life to whisk me away and take on journey to far away places in his TARDIS. British accent and bowtie and all. It is a nice dream.)

Sigh.

How long should I keep waiting? Why is it everyone else *seems* to have it easier?* Are their standards lesser than mine? Is the sample population possessing their wanted traits higher than mine? Is it a simple issue of probability? Am I looking in the wrong place? Putting in effort means I have to actually go out and socialize in real life, something I am extremely averse to because I do not like talking to people I don’t know and take a long time to warm up to them. Also, everyone I meet isn’t scrutinized on the spot to be a ‘potential partner’. I start out as friends and from them work my way to see if there are qualities in that person I am attracted to and can live with. But it’s turning out to be rather inefficient. Should I just be like everyone else and ‘play the field’ and get to know as many potential partners as possible? I don’t know. Maybe. But I don’t really want to…? It’s just not my style, to begin with. I place far too much importance on getting to know people for what they are and then deciding. I’m not in a rush to fall in love or get into a relationship, but it kindasorta hurts a little when I find someone suitable for that and find out he’s not ready for that and/or he doesn’t see me the same way, despite how much of his bad traits I was willing to put up with. Or am I just being too self-important here? (Also, the fact that I get butterflies in my stomach when attractive women talk to me isn’t helping. But that’s another issue for another day.) OK, ok, I know I’m whining here. So sue me.

I’m just… I don’t know. Confused. Tired. Jaded. A little bitter. Not ready for rational thinking yet. I don’t know how long I’m going to hold out for the “right” person or whether that “right person” will ever exist.