^liessssssssssssss it didn't wooooorrrkk

I walked up to the pretty receptionist in the hotel and said, "Sorry but I forgot what room I'm in."

"No problem Sir, this is called the lobby."

My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.

It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.

oh my brain......

"Have you done a sex video with your wife?" I said to my mate in the pub,

"Yeah of course!" he said,

"Me too!" I said "I've got an idea, when we get home, you send me yours, I'll send you mine, we can knock one out then delete them. What do you say?"

"You're on!" he said excitedly as he rubbed his hands together and hurried home.

That was a week ago. I've not spoken to him since.

Maybe he felt a bit funny watching me f**king his wife?

I was in the pub last night when my mate said, "I bet you a tenner that sexy blonde over there won't let you buy her a drink."

I walked over to her and said, "Can I buy you another drink?"

"Well yes," she replied, "Seeing as you just purposely knocked my other one over."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.''

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everyone pays."

The wife just asked, "What's that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?"

The husband said, "It's a dead Jedi."

---

Added on March 17, 2012, 7:15 amok i cant brain tis

This post has been edited by PrinceHamsap: Mar 17 2012, 07:15 AM

star wars, mate.... when a jedi dies, his body evaporates into thin air, leaving behind his clothes.

lulz wth?

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, "How much for a blow job?"

She said, "Thirty."

I said, "Can you do twenty?"

"Yeah, okay" she replied.

I said, "Great, here's $600 then."

lol ouch

"Come on kids," I said, "It's time to give mummy her Mother's Day surprise."
"But mummy's gone to the gym," one of them replied.

"Doesn't matter... Let's all jump in the car. We'll go and see her."

They both seemed excited at the prospect, but a bit puzzled when I stopped the car a few minutes later.

"This isn't the gym daddy. Why are we at Uncle Dave's house?"
"You'll see.."

ah shit....

How do you stop a man breaking into your house?

Replace the locks with bra fasteners.

Not every man is that inept y'know.

i can open em pretty easily

i think most kantoi with son stories involves 'Uncle Dave'

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and angryly said, "Is this true?"