Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

So I try hard and find myself a girlfriend

People say, "There's plenty more fish in the sea."
Sadly I ended up with a blue whale.

damn i like this quote very much

Managed to get rid of my mean boss yesterday after he had a heart attack in the office.

If only he'd allowed personal calls on company time, I'd have phoned him an ambulance.

I know at least 2 guys like that.

Not good company to stay the least.

"Doctor, my wife has severe pain in her appendix!"

"Nonsense!" says the doctor. "I removed her appendix three years ago. Not a single person in the world has a second appendix."

"That may well be true, but some people have second wives."

My wife and I have been arguing a lot lately, so we went to see a marriage guidance councillor. Unfortunately, I let my emotions get the better of me.

"You're just a fat, useless piece of shit," I shouted. "You're ugly, your arse is f***ing huge, and you're a miserable ****!"

She burst into tears and ran out of the room.

"Why did you say those horrible things? She's only trying to help." said my wife.

I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tyres this morning which made me late for work..

Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her

Out of work, Ah Chai decided to call round to his grandma out of boredom, "So boy, how did your exams go?" she asks.

Presuming she'd gone senile he replied laughing , "Grandma, I left school ten years ago!"

"I know!" She said, "I just like reminding you how useless you are!"

When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written

on my statue.

Marvelous!

Why is it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend/boyfriend changes the Facebook status to 'single'.

We arguments with our parents all the time, you don't see us changing our status to 'orphan'.

When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", I think we all know what they are talking about.


Men's wallets.

Or bank accounts.

"What would you like?" says the barman.

"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."

"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"

"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care."

"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."

"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."

I was in my taxi last night when I dropped a sexy girl off at her destination...

"Oh god" she said, "I haven't got any cash on me."

"Well" I replied, "there are other ways you can pay."

"I was hoping you were going to say that." She said with a wink.

"Great!" I said, "I'll just get the credit card machine from the boot."

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning.

That's why I always send my wife.

Win-Win.

You know you're at Old Trafford.

When the opposition keeper gets sent off for handball.

You know you're at Stamford Bridge when you see signs warning players to keep their wives or girlfriends away from the place.

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance.

Well it's her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I'm pleased to say I've already bought her her present.

She's going to love these flowers.

Good, dead flowers. u'll b the same when u give them to her.