My wife said, "Thank f*ck that's over and done with for another year!"

As I rolled off her.

lol once a year only

"Ladies and gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

I smiled

This post has been edited by strategist: Dec 29 2011, 12:18 PM

.. siut

New Year's resolution - Date more models.

Revised - Date more.

Revised again - Get a date.

Revised one last time - Stop crying whilst masturbating.

Stress Reliever # 1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I wan t to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.







OLD JOKES....HOPES THIS WILL RELIEVE UR STRESS.....



This post has been edited by umsholyghost: Dec 30 2011, 03:21 PM

As I tucked my daughter into bed she said, "I asked Santa if he could get you and mummy back together"

I said, "Oh dear, why did you do that?"

She said, "Because I hate you and I know how miserable she makes you"

I'm celebrating the turn of the new year with my new flat-mate today.

He's great and everything but he's also made out of cardboard..

Matt sat his son down and said,

"Look son, in life if you act like a pus*y then you'll never get any pus*y"

The wife said, "Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him"

Matt said, "Sorry dear, it won't happen again"

The son said, "I see what you mean Dad"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jan 2 2012, 11:39 PM

My sex life is unbelievable. Whenever I tell people I have a sex life, they don't believe me.

A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"

The doctor replies "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."

epic

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Sick gay farker lol...

A guy was desperate to have s** with a girl from the office but she was already engaged to someone else. One day he became so frustrated by her unavailability that after a few drinks he issued a brazen proposition: "Have s** with me and I'll pay you $200."

"No way," she said. "Wha sort of girl do you think I am?"

"Listen," he persisted, "it will all be over before you know it. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."

She began to waver - if only because $200 would help towards the wedding costs - but said she would have to consult her boyfriend first. So she called her boyfriend, tpld hom about the offer and asked him what he thought.

To her surprise, the boyfriend said: "It sounds like easy money. All you have to do is ask for the $200, then pick it up as fast as you possibly can. He won't even have time to get his pants down."

She agreed to it sounded foolproof and accepted the proposal.

The boyfriend then waited anxiously for her to call back when it was all over. Half an hour passed, but there was no news. Finally after three-quarters of an hour he rang her and asked: "How did it go?"

She replied tearfully: "The bast*** used pennies."


newbie in this zone

---

Added on January 5, 2012, 9:58 pmA girl told her boyfriend: You have to make sacrifices in a relationship."

So he went out and slaughtered a goat"

This post has been edited by coconico: Jan 5 2012, 09:58 PM

The text from my daughter read "OMG Dad, you have no idea how wet I am!"

My response was "Now you've said that I bet you've no idea how hard I am "

She replied "It's raining... "

She would never be the same again.....

The teacher asks the class, "What's white and has two legs?"
The pupils answer: "A chicken!"
"Right. Very good, but it could also be a goose. Now, what's black and has four legs?"
The pupils say: "A dog!"
The teacher happily replies, "Right, but it could also be a cat."
Peter raises his arm. "I've got a question, too. What's stiff and dry when you put it in and small and slippery when you pull it out?"
The teacher gives him a slap in the face.
Peter replies, "Right, but it could also be a chewing gum."