this one!

If I found out I only had a week to live, I'd spend it with my mother in law.

It would be the longest f*cking week of my life.

I knocked on my neighbours door last night and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" she asked.

I said, "I've just killed your cat."

"Oh no," she wept, "And the good news?"

I said, "I was just kidding."

"Thank god for that!" she cried, "Really?"

I said, "Yes, there was no good news."

Liverpool fans appear to be calling their current strike force SAS - Suarez And Sturridge.

I'd like to propose a similar alternative for Man United fans:
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa - W.A.N.K.

I went to a casino today and came home with a briefcase.

As I walked through the door, I looked at my wife and said, "I f*cking won!"

"Bloody hell, Dave." she smiled, "How much???"

"$200," I replied, "So I bought myself this."

3 men are washed up on an island after being shipwrecked. The island is inhabited by natives and they don't like trespassers. So they are put on trial to see what their punishment is.
The tribe takes the first guy and ties him to a tree.
They ask him, "Would you rather have Bongo, or death?"
The man figures anything is better than death so he chooses bongo. 5 naked men come out of the forest and screw him up the ass.
They tie the second man to a tree and ask him, "Bongo or death?"
The second man still thinks it's better than death so he chooses Bongo. 20 men come out from the forest and screw the man up the ass.
Then they tie the third man to a tree and ask him, "Bongo or death?"
The man figures he would rather die then be screwed by whatever amount of men will come out of that forest, so he chooses death.
The native chief says, "Very well, you will die by... BONGO!"

The Star - "Nicol David won Carol Weymuller Open, New York"
The Sun - "Nicol David won Carol Weymuller Open, New York"

Utusan - "Bangsa lain terus monopoly aksi sukan negara"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Oct 8 2013, 12:54 PM

superb!!!

Hahaha good 1. I want to add more Man utd players.
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa,Evra, Rooney, Smalling - W.A.N.K.E.R.S

My dad got me a dictionary for my birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" I asked.

He said, "Because you're stupid."

Then for his birthday I got him a dildo.

"Why did you get me this?" he asked.

I said, "Because you're a c*nt."

fanbleedingtastic!!

I don`t know who said that every woman wants to get married.

I`ve asked loads and they`ve all said no.

A good marriage can overcome anything, even happiness.

Who needs a wife anyway?

How difficult can it be to boil a toast?

Before I got married I was lonely and miserable.

Now, I'm just miserable.

Anna is having a conversation with her teacher about pregnancy

Anna: Teacher! I have a question, can my mom get pregnant?

Teacher: How old is she?

Anna: 42

Teacher: Possible, if she hadn't had her menopause.

Anna: What about my sister?

Teacher: How old is she?

Anna: 21

Teacher: Highly possible

Anna: What about me?

Teacher: That would be impossible because you havn't started your period

Jack whispers to anna.

Jack: Told you, so there is nothing to worry about

Old but gold


If the dishwasher is broken what do you do?

Yell at her to get back to work

Facebook is apparently down.
Millions of mothers worldwide have to raise their babies now instead of posting updates about them..

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."