The last 'to do' thing on my 'bucket list' is to kick it.

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them.

I was lying to get sex.

I was in the pub with my friend the other night when he started talking about 'Fear Factor' show

He said, "Could you ever eat an bulls peni5?"

"I tried eating one when I was drunk once," I replied, "But I couldn't do it."

"Because the taste was disgusting?" he asked.

I said, "No, because it kept kicking me in the head."

When she asked me if I liked her, I said, "No."

As I stared into her tearful eyes, I said, "You didn't ask me if I love you, though."

"Do you love me?" she said, as her face lit up.

"No," I replied.

Last night my wife found me in the pub, poured the drink over my head, and called me a 'f*cking jerk'.

Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about...

cari pasal gila!

moar update!!

I noticed two lesbians kissing in the club and thought it would be a good chance to answer my query.

I asked, "What exactly is it about d1cks that you don't like?"

One of them replied, "They ask stupid f*cking questions."

The wife and I were about to get dressed for an office dinner when she pulled out a tight, slutty red dress from her wardrobe.

"You can't wear that!" I said immediately.

"Why?" she asked. "Will your colleagues think it's inappropriate?"

"No," I said. "Because you're fat."

Manchester United are the only fans this weekend that did a 90 minute silence for Nelson Mandela.

Ouch!

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?"

"Yes I'm taking photos of her," I replied, "But.. but it's not what you think."

"So what is it then?" she asked.

I said, "A Samsung Galaxy."

it is funny for me but not for MU fans out there..hahaha

"Thank f*ck it's Friday," I said to the barman.

"It's the thirteenth, isn't it?" he asked as he poured my beer.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Two more then I'll be able to go home and face the wife."

"Any chance of going back to yours for a f*ck?" I asked this girl in the club.

"Not unless you put something on the end of it." She replied.

"Ok then. Any chance of going back to yours for a f*ck....please?"

I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, my brother died last night."

"How many brothers do you have?" he asked.

"6." I replied.

"Gotcha!" he said, "You've used this excuse 7 times now, how is this possible???"

I said, "I used to have 13 brothers."

My doctor has promised to cure my low blood pressure. He gave me a prescription to take to the newspaper vendor.

"Don't you mean the pharmacy?" I asked.

"No," he said, "it's a year's subscription to Utusan."

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks dad, that means a lot," I replied.

"I was talking to your girlfriend."