This morning my wife for no apparent reason started to cry at the breakfast table.

I said to her over my cornflakes, "whats up"?
"Its you" she said blubbing. All you do is make fun of me, my size, my weight you are constantly ribbing me about my shape , always joking at every opportunity you get. It really upsets me.

So I gave her a big hug and said " I'm sorry I don't mean those things I say, I love you the way you are".
" I'll tell you what, I'll take the morning off and take you shopping, hows that sound".
"That would be lovely," she replied.
"OK shopping it is."

"Now hurry up and finish that bowl of plankton"

My daughter just text me, "Dad, which is better, to pass or to fail?"

I replied, "To pass, of course."

Then she said, "Well you'll be proud of me then. I've just passed my pregnancy test."

Policemen investigating a dead body.
- Cause of death: suicide.
- Are you sure? He's stabbed like 25 times and shot 5 times.
- Totally sure. He went in a jazz club and yelled "Wassup niggers, where da white b****es at?"
- Oh, a suicide. I see.

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Added on October 1, 2012, 3:20 pm

This post has been edited by MyKy44: Oct 1 2012, 03:20 PM

Justin Bieber has just vomited on stage, in the middle of a performance.
That concludes it then, she's pregnant.

+9999

damn, those kids are smart

Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete f*cking twats.

Man: How much for a wank?

Prostitute: $30

Man: Thanks. I don't want one, I just wanted to know how much I was saving every night.

no, its LEEK MAI POOSY

My wife was screaming in ecstasy "Oh my god, f*ck me harder with that huge c*ck and make me cum again"

"Do you want to watch any more?" asked the private investigator.

^aww shit nigaaaa....

Which is more important, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

gud gud

This post has been edited by ronnyling92: Oct 10 2012, 04:42 PM

my wife was home sick today with bronchitis, and wanted to get some work done. but her laptop wasn't working, so she turned to me for tech support. i gave her a notebook i had loaded with the Windows 8 RTM and Office 2013 Home preview. i showed her a few basic things, and then went back to work.

that's right—i gave my sick wife a brand new operating system and an updated Office suite to use with 5 minutes of training. i'm surprised she didn't call a divorce lawyer.

This post has been edited by hizperion: Oct 11 2012, 10:50 PM

i spent 5 minutes reading. i don geddit

on women using new IT stuff, you can expect whats going to happen

Husband came home late at night
from a party.
His wife shouted: How would u feel if
u dont see me for 2 days?
He couldnt believe his luck.

He replied at once.''That would be
great..!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her.
Tuesday & wednesday passed too.
On Thursday the swelling was
better & he could see her from the
corner of his left eye.. !!!

Brilliant news for the prostitutes of Liverpool today.

Coleen Rooney has announced she is pregnant again.

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...

surprise buttsechs