My mate came up to me and started showing off his new iPhone 4S.

"Oi mate, can your phone do this?" He asked, "Redtube." He said, and the iPhone instantly went onto Redtube.

"No," I replied, rolling my eyes.

"Haha! I've just downloaded a new app" He said gleefully.

My phone vibrated and 10 text messages came through all at once saying, 'Can your phone do this?'

"Look mate, I know I've got a Nokia 3310, but can your phone do this?"

And with that, I launched it into his face knocking him clean out.

"I'll let you two guys get to know each other," my daughter said before going to get changed.

I turned to her boyfriend who looked a bit shocked when I handed him a packet of condoms. "Here. I'd make sure you use these if I were you. Dirty little cow's always at the 'you know what' clinic."

That should make the f*cker think twice.

Bob and Mike are sitting in the pub.

"It's funny," says Bob, "I was wondering for years where my wife spent her evenings."

"And you found out?" asks Mike.

"Aye," says Bob. "I went home early one evening last week and there she was."