My missus said to me on our 30th wedding anniversary,

"I'd sure like you to do what you did on our wedding day. "

"I won't be able to, " I replied, "that bridesmaid died last year. "

My girlfriend asked me if I thought female comedians were funny.

I said "Are you kidding? Women are hysterical!"

This election has really divided the yanks.
A bloke found out his parents voted Harris for president and he said he's going to stop visiting their graves.

Policing: A case study

Exhibit A:
Rampant corruption & cronyism. Possible money laundering. Sexual misconduct etc etc

Action taken: "Nothing to see here, a few token fines maybe"


Exhibit B:
Display potentially inappropriate design or product or dress code or entertainment

Action taken: "Send five of our big fuckers round. Impound them. Spend weeks trawling through the cunt's internet history. Ostracise them in public.

Use your red/green colour blindness to your advantage by becoming a cyclist.

With Christmas coming be extra careful on the roads.

As quite a lot of guys will be having a few drinks and letting their wives drive.

The reason Batman doesn't cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he's white.

No matter what I do with our kids, the wife is always finding fault with me.

I bought our two-year-old daughter her first jigsaw for Christmas but,

typically, the wife went mental.

Some bullshit about "...too young for power tools."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 22 2024, 11:55 AM

A cop stops a little old lady driving a Mini.

He jokingly asks, "Any weapons in the car?"

"Yes," she says, "a 357 magnum in the console, a 38 special on my ankle, a Colt 45 on my hip and a pistol grip pump action shotgun on the back seat. "

"Bloody hell," says the cop, "what are you afraid of?"

"Fucking nothing," she replies.

On the Christmas morning and my wife was sat under the tree with a ribbon around her.

"Come get your Christmas present, " she said.

"Can you take it back tomorrow and get me a smaller size?" I asked.

What is a New Year’s resolution?

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Spending all this quality time with wife over year end holiday has made me realize one important thing.

I can't wait to go back to work!

Remember...
.
.
.
Just because you're ugly doesn't mean you're other gender.

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it...
.
.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.

"My granddad flew 87 missions during world war two. "

"You must be so proud of him. "

"No, not really. He was a kamikaze pilot. "

When I got home I found a note from my wife saying she had gone out for a few drinks with her friends and that she had left me some dinner that just needed reheating.

As soon as I shut the door on the microwave and set the timer to 3 minutes I heard her come crashing through the front door pissed out of her face, she stumbled into the kitchen and demanded sex right there.

After some foreplay, I fucked her over the kitchen table and we ended up spooning on the floor out of breath and sweating.
"Wow, you've never lasted that long before," she giggled. As I lay there with a smug grin on my face and feeling like a sex god.

There was then a sudden 'PING' from the microwave and my dinner was ready!

I'm dating the woman from the weather forecast on TV

It's nice to be with a woman who is wrong most of the time.

After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!"


What's the world coming to?! You do something nice and they threaten to ruined your life?

To my wife.

I love doggies
I love meats
I love beer
I love brandy
I love guitars.
I love football
I love motorbikes
I love computers
I love chocolate
I love chips

You say I never wrote you a love letter. There you go!

hahahahhaa