Genie; i shall Grant you 3 wishes.
Me; i want a world without lawyers.
Genie; done, you have no wishes left.
Me; but you said 3.
Genie; sue me.

As Hitler completes his 80th year in Hell, he is left to contemplate

''If only I had invaded Britain by dinghy, I'd have won''.

Massive power outage in Spain and Portugal was overcome with well made plans put into operation to ensure the swift connection to power supply for the millions affected.

Can you imagine this happening in the here? The governments first response would be,

"How can we tax them for this?"

I recently got asked if I remember my first love,


"We're still together, " I replied, "and after nearly 50 years it still gets hard. "

I masturbated so good last night that when I woke up this morning, my dick was in the kitchen making me breakfast.

Just remember, if you ever feel depressed and want to die, you're not alone.

There's probably others that also want you to die.

My ten year old daughter walked in our room as we were making love and threw a bucket of water over us.


"Now you know how those dogs felt, " she said.

I Got sacked from the zoo for leaving the lions cage open.

Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion.

My wife asked me what Rohypnol was.


"Ask your sister, " I said, "on second thoughts, don't bother, she won't remember anyway. "

My wife paid off our house and cars with her Onlyfans account.
She's going to freak out when she finds out she's got an Onlyfans account.

How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Heh heh heh, 'screw'.

Can't wait for England to play Israel so Tuchel can step on the gas.

I smiled at a woman on the train and she said "When you smile at me I want to invite you to my place"

"Are you single?" I asked her.

"No, I'm a dentist" she replied.

I'm sure my best mate is having an affair with my wife.

I've never seen him looking so miserable...

I phoned the vet because my dog had a high temperature.

He prescribed mustard, best thing for a hot dog...

Hyphenated

Non-hyphenated

The irony!

It's often wondered what women really look for in a man. I think it's security.

Well I think i got that covered. That's what they always shout when I approach them.

I told my very attractive patient that she was pregnant.

"How is that possible?," she asked, "I came in for a minor operation."

"It's a side effect of the anesthetic," I replied.

Things your likely to hear at a Coldplay gig...

"FUUUUUUUCK...quick, get your hands off my tits..."

Women are funny, they quite happily give you food which is a bit expired saying it is ok

But when you try telling them there is nothing wrong with their old clothes.....