I just filled my blow up doll with Helium.

Now she's playing hard to get

Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
Bob ate Jane's sandwich.
Bob ate Jane's colon.

My son got disqualified from the Paralympics after he was found to be using performance enhancing WD40.

Police have confirmed an ex and current Premiership footballer have both had their houses burgled last night.

Ryan Giggs lost 2 Champions League, 13 Premier League, 4 FA Cup and 4 League Cup medals

Harry Kane lost a toaster and kettle .

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock...

Who's there?

An octopus.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck

WANTED: Person to brush their teeth with me as my dentist said brushing alone won't keep plaque away.

Took my trousers to the dry cleaners and said.."can you get another stain out of these like you did last week?"

He replied, "Come again?"

I said. "No, Red Wine this time."

At my funeral please take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who's next.

I hate people who don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. There so fucking stupid

If you ever meet a woman who admits she's wrong, apologizes and changes her ways, dump her immediately....

It's probably a man!

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

There are many forms of mental health conditions

Anxiety

Depression

Schizophrenia

Bipolar

Getting Caught.

My missus said, "The women's world cup is on, are you watching it or coming shopping with me? "


Sent from my iphone in Aeon.

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Houston, we have a poppadom.

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Nothing special, just a woman parking an Automatic

My wife and I used to have a fantastic sex life.

Then we met.

The one thing politicians & porn stars have in common?

They're both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

I must be getting stronger with age.
I can now lift RM300 of groceries in one trip.