To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the LRT yesterday, can you please stop calling my new phone?

Dear Qatar,

I heard the managers, staff and players of Ecuador, Senegal, Netherlands, Iran, USA, Wales, Argentina, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Poland, France, Australia, Denmark, Tunisia, Spain, Costa Rica, Germany, Japan, Belgium, Canada, Morocco, Croatia, Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon, Portugal, Ghana, Uruguay and South Korea are gay.

New Malaysian astronauts to be announced after 22,000 people applied.

The only confirmed astronaut is Mahiadin. He didn't apply, everyone just wants him off this fucking planet.

I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum.

She hasn't spoken to me since .

"Give it to me" she begged, "Give it to me..."

"I'm so wet, oh god, I'm so wet...I want it NOW!" She screamed....


But, there's no way I would give up that umbrella, to anyone.....

Why are women evacuated first in a disaster?

So men can think of a solution in silence.

As temperatures plummet in the massive winter storm covering the US, the town of Hell, Michigan has frozen over.

So it looks like the wife is letting me do anal tonight.

I bought my wife some sexy underwear for Christmas.

But as soon as she put it on though, it became just underwear.

When I woke up in hospital the nurse told me I won't be able to feel anything from the waist down so I felt her tits.

My woke kids were mocking me as "backwards" and they said, "Omg Dad... your generation didn't even have a word for 'non-binary,' when you were our age !"

"Of course we did.... 'Napet'."

A study has shown that men, on average, have sex 60 times a year.

I won't be posting any jokes till new year as it seems I'm going to be very busy for the next 2 days.

BBC NEWS

Prince Harry: "I want my father and brother back".

Charles and William: "Once you've gone black, we don't want you back".

It's so sad this heart is constantly broken to pieces, yet so bizarre that it still beats.

An empty heart is worse because a broken heart can always be mended

"I cried for decades about the hardships I was going through and not one servant would listen"

- Prince Harry.

Mr. Wang was getting ready for the Chinese New Year. He decided to put up some luck paintings on his wall, so he called his son over.

He told his son, "It's the New Year, so you have to say auspicious words.

So if I put the decorations too high up, say 'Good fortune' and if I put the decorations too low, say 'Good health'".

His son agreed and Mr. Wang pasted the painting on the wall. It was in the exact right place, not too high or too low.

At this moment, his son yelled: "Perfect! You don't have good health or good fortune!"

Wives are funny creatures, they don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then want to kill the woman that does.

Phil Oakey was the lead singer of 80s pop band The Human League, but no one ever mentions his sister Carrie, the inventor of singing badly
in pubs..

There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park.

Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.

Managed to book a table for two on Valentine's Day.
But she muka masam the whole snooker game.

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

'Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse' he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied.

"No, all ducks you fucking dick"