Dave was telling me he thinks he's got a curved penis.

Apparently he had an affair and his wife cut his cock off and threw it out the window.

I said, 'What's that got to do with it being curved?'

'It came back', he replied.

One out of five women suffer from mental illness.

The other four enjoy it.

I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny."

Then I press 'Add Reply'.

The health body have recommended that your waist should be less than half your height.

How do they expect me to grow to 8 foot 6?

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I'm not saying it's hot in my living room,

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

On my way through the airport last week:

'Anything to declare, Sir?'

'Yes.'

'Well, what then?'

'I'm a vegan.'

There's a girl in our office, her name is Ellie Dee. She lights up any room she walks into.

I have a terrible sexually-transmitted disease.

Children.

Every single corpse on Mt.Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

My wife called the police when she caught me fucking her sister. "

"Stupid, what does she think the police are going to do?"

"Probably quite a lot, she's only ten.. "

I told my girlfriend I was leaving her.

"Is it because I make fun of your little willy?" she asked.

"Not really," I told her, "I've just never been that into you."

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

I said to my wife, "Sit down, I've got something to tell you."
"What is it?" she asked.

"I took 250 out of your purse last night."

"Gosh," she said, "You nearly gave me a heart attack, I thought you was going to tell me that you've slept with another woman."

"It was for a prostitute."

They say that the vehicle you drive says a lot about your sexual preferences.

Which is why I'm buying an Ice Cream van.

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I said.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her
lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.

Boss: "You've been late for work three times this week. Do you know what that means?"

Me: "It's Wednesday?"

A teacher asked the children in her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a special force officer, go to the hot zone and kill loads of militant, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, loads of cocaine, and all the while banging her like a loose barn door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from Little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's tart Ma'am!"

"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"

- Where's Wally? (Audiobook)