We won the annual 'best bullshitting' award twice this year

I met my wife at a 'Singles Night'

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

"It's time to test the smoke alarm, " I said to my missus.

"It's 9am on a Sunday morning, just fucking ask for breakfast like any normal person will you! "

I have a wife who is a vegan, a brother-in-law who is an LGBT activist and a sister who is a feminist.

I also have the best noise-cancelling headphones in the world.

I went to the doctors and told him I can't breathe when I eat rice.


He says I'm Basmatic.

Donald DUCK!

These woke remakes are getting ridiculous.

I just saw a Democrat election ad and they have only gone a cast a black woman to play Biden.

A woman on the bus asked me.
'Do you have any pets'?
I said 'A goldfish'.
She said 'any hobbies'?
I replied 'well he likes swimming!'

I have been experimenting with homosexuality.


And just like small furry animals, homosexuals don't like being electrocuted either.

My son asked me, "Dad, what's dark humour?"

I said, "See that man over there with no hands? Ask him to clap."

"I can't," he replied, "I'm blind."

I met a guy in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.

"What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?" I enquired.

"No..." he said, "... hurdles."

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned.

So is willing to sell her husband's tools for cheap.

You should never judge anybody by the colour of their skin.


That's what our authorities are for.

My wife treats me like a god.

She takes almost no notice of my existence until she actually wants something.

I bought my new wife a full set of cookery subscriptions for her birthday to help her learn to cook properly.


A month later she bought me a porn movie for my birthday.

Look at me, still having great sex at 65.

If the wife finds out, I'm dead.

We live at 67.

Janet Jackson apologized for saying Kamala Harris is not Black.

She said, "Sorry - I was thinking of Michael".

At a job interview:
"What are your strengths ?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example ?"
"Yes, when do I start ?".

Attractive women are just looking for security.

I know because I started talking to one

and that's what she shouted.

I prefer porn with subtitles,

that way I can figure out what the animals are saying.