A homeless man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "If you give me a free drink, I'll show you a trick that will blow your mind."

The bartender is naturally skeptical and says, "Show me the trick first and if it blows my mind I'll give you that drink."
The homeless man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. The mouse runs down the bar to the bar's piano and starts running along the keys, playing a tune.
The bartender is suitably impressed and gives the homeless man a free drink.

The homeless man says, "If you give me another drink I'll show you another trick that will blow your mind even more."
The bartender wasn't sure how the homeless man could outdo the piano playing mouse, but he says, "If you can top that mouse, I'll let you drink free all night."
The homeless man smiles and reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog that proceeds to sing along to the tune the mouse is playing.
The bartender says, "Okay, you're drinking free all night."

Another patron of the bar approaches the homeless man and says, "I'll give you five hundred dollars for that frog right now!"
The homeless man says, "Sold!"
The man gives him the money, picks up the frog and walks out of the bar as happy as a clam.

The bartender is stunned and asks, "Why in the world did you do that!? You had a singing frog! You could have made millions with that thing, and you let it go for a measly five hundred bucks!?"

The homeless man just smiles,shakes his head and says, "Nah,that frog was worthless." He points at the mouse and adds, "It's all the mouse, he doesn't just play the piano, he's also a ventriloquist."

A mum reported police for her missing 9-year-old after she used her moisturizer that makes you 10 years younger.

My Mrs has just told me to pack my bags and Fuck Off.

As I walked out the door she screamed 'And I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery, boredom and pain'

I said 'Make your mind up.'

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!

Me: 999, what's the emergency?

"Mummy mummy, can I get pregnant through anal sex?"

"Of course you can dear....where do you think moderators come from?"



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 13 2023, 03:46 PM

I've had enough of Christmas.

All year long I work hard to buy all the presents that my bratty kids ask for.

And what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with a beard gets all the credit!

Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.

I gave the Wife a Dart and a World map for Christmas.

What's all this about? she asked.

I explained that I was going to stick the map to the wall, she throws the dart and wherever it landed I'll book a holiday for this summer.

Long story short... looks like we're in for two weeks behind the fridge.

My wife was reading Cosmopolitan magazine in bed last night and said to me, "It says here that most women get bored with their husband's sexual efforts after a few years of marriage."

"Really dear?" I replied, as I continued to thrust away.

When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith's wife, Will Smith stands up and slaps his wife.

Good thing those ninja turtles wear masks, otherwise they could be easily identified.

Fun Fact: If you hold the sole of your foot to your ear, you can hear the sound of a hip dislocating.

Husband: "Hi dear, I was at work and blood came out my poo. Laura brought me to the hospital and the doctor confirmed it's stage 4 colon cancer..."

Wife "Who the fuck is Laura?"

The autocorrect on my phone hasn't got used to me yet.

It still thinks I like watching canal fishing videos.

A big shout out to all florists 5 day ago!!

Happy "Charge Whatever You Like" Day.

According to the latest research, sex during pregnancy is almost always safe.

Unless your wife comes home and catches you...

Women call me ugly, until they find out how much I earn .

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Whenever I complete a form asking for a number to contact in an emergency, I always put an ambulance because I know for a fact the wife will ignore a call from an unknown number.

According to the UK government, the Chinese are now cyber hacking ordinary people and even editing their social media posts.

But this no true. Just vely bad rumour. China ok.

A buddy of mine phoned me and asked, "What are you doing at the moment?"

I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."

'Wolfgang Mozart!' yelled Mozart's friend.

'What?' said Mozart.

And then they were both eaten by a gang of wolves.