One day at school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Can you tell me a word starting with 'A'?"

"Arsehole," Little Johnny replied.

The teacher gaped for a moment, but continued: "How about a word starting with 'B'?"

"Bastard," said Little Johnny.

The teacher decided to skip "C", so she asked, "What about something starting with 'D'?"

Little Johnny thought for a moment, then said, "Dwarf."

The teacher sighed with relief and asked, "And do you know what a dwarf is?"

Little Johnny said, "A little cunt about this big."

My emo son sighed and asked, "Why am I even fucking here?"

"Because my credit card was declined at the abortion clinic," I replied.

My wife told me I need to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I stopped talking to her for 3 days and whenever she asked me what was wrong I said "nothing it doesn't matter" and then I went out and crashed the car

I was on the toilet at a mall when I heard a Woman's voice coming through a hole in the wall...

She said "if you pop $50 through the hole I'll suck you off"

I thought "yeh why not", and shoved the note through then my erect cock.

...Unfortunately the wall was 3 inches thick.

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.

I don't buy my wife sexy underwear anymore.

As soon as she puts it on it becomes underwear.

I was in the pub with my friend last night when he said to me, "Look, I've been having an affair and my wife's getting suspicious. If she asks, I was with you last night."

I nodded. "No problem."

A minute later, his wife came into the pub and said straight at me. "Dave wasn't home last night - I think he was shagging some slut!"

"No, he wasn't," I replied immediately, winking at him. "He was shagging me."

Chinese state media have confirmed the safety of missing tennis player Peng Shuai, by releasing a video showing her happy and healthy. In the short clip, she also seen congratulating Andy Murray on his recent Wimbledon victory.

All the other 19 clubs in the Premier League have put in a protest against Manchester United over the sacking of Ole Gunnar Solksjaer.
They wanted him to stay.

The face mask, they really save lives..

I was out shopping yesterday with my girlfriend and the wife didn't even recognize me.

Just been watching my wife doing the PCR test.

I think she has been lying to me about her gag reflex.

Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life.

Those experts are called women...

A recent survey out shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condoms.

These people are called Dads...

My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

Just got back from my pedicure and I must say it was amazing. I don't fancy kids at all anymore.

I remember reading an article a few years back saying Mason greenwood was the next Ryan giggs, how right they were…

I ordered the Mrs a table for tonight seeing as it's Valentine's day.

In hindsight maybe I should have asked her first if she even likes to play Pool

'...If I was a plastic surgeon...

I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant
And a whoopee cushion in every buttock implant.'

During Girlfriend: "Hold me tight, wrap your arms around me and never let me go."

During Wife: "Your knee is on my side of the bed again!"

Putin says that sanctions imposed by the West are akin to a declaration of war.

They are not sanctions pal.

They are "Special financial operations"!