The government, along with their pledge of betterment, announced economy and social revamp.

And the wife says will treat me better like before marriage.

And april fool.

I successfully managed to get both my parents into the same Nursing home.

A bit of revenge for them divorcing when I was six.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you ?

Run like fuck, she’s got a grenade in her mouth !!!

If I ever win the jackpot I'm going to share it with everyone on /k

I'm not going to give you any money, just tell you about it.

I was having a drink with a few mates when I noticed a girl with a spectacular figure. I could hardly take my eyes off her until she turned around and I saw how ugly she was.
A bit later, after having a piss I saw that she'd gone but there was a note left by my phone that said, "Hi. I saw you looking at me earlier. Here's my number if you want to give me call."

Astonishingly she'd signed the note "Horseface".

I was struck by the way she'd obviously come to terms with the fact that she wasn't attractive and admired her humour in adopting this nickname. I messaged her on the number she'd given me saying, "Hi Horseface, I love to meet up just tell me the time and place."

I'd just hit the send button when my mate looked up and said, "Fucking hell Dave... You haven't replied to that have you? I even wrote Horseface on it so you'd know it was the ugly one!"

Iron Man is really Fe Male

You remind me a lot of your mother," I said to the wife.

Probably should've kept that thought to myself halfway through a blowjob.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

"Loan, water and electricity."

Wayne Rooney has visited Cristian Eriksen in hospital.

“He’s doing really well, he even managed to string an entire sentence together.” said Eriksen

They say that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and heat the base of the bottle with a lighter, the testicle will eventually be sucked inside. If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know. It's quite urgent.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

After trying to add more vegetables in my kids' lunch, their favourite by far was the cucumber. But they only really stayed fresh for a few days.

This meant I have to buy them at least twice a week at a nearby supermarket. After a couple of months, it became obvious that I kept buying them from the casher. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smiles and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking.

The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully, I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

When my wife came back from work, I blindfolded her, led her upstairs, and span her around a few times. We stopped and she opened her eyes.

That gave my girlfriend enough time to get dressed and sneak out through the back door.

Next Fast and Furious film

“Fast10 your seatbelts”.

"You're under arrest for sex with a minor. Do you have anything to say?"

"But, but, they all look 18 with that make-up on."

"He's 11."

My wife could easily win the Olympic gold medal for rowing

Wouldn't it be better if the Olympics fielded one randomly-selected member of the public for comparison purposes.

Our English teacher came into the classroom and put a snake on his desk.

As we all crowded around to see it, he said, "This snake will help you to understand that using correct English is very important."

"Is it poisonous?" asked Mary.

"No," he replied.

Mary reached out to stroke it and was immediately bitten. Within seconds she was spasming and foaming at the mouth.

"However, it is venomous," he said.

Watching as the wife breastfed our child got me horny.

I said to her, "You mind if I have a go after, dear?"

She giggled and winked. "Of course you can. Come on, I'm finished already."

"Alright, hand him over," I said.

Today i got a memo from the HR for sexual harassment..

All that happened was a female co-worker came wearing a t-shirt with the caption "GUESS"

So i said " might be 32C " ..