Disgusted to see the government think feeding my kids is not their responsibility!

Sent from my iPhone 12.

My next door neighbor knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee.

I said . . . " Fuck off Dave".

I first found out I was an ugly rapist when victims pepper-sprayed their own eyes 😞

Apparently, if your wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

At Christmas time I go around kicking the fuck out of homeless people.
That way they get free food and a warm bed to sleep in at the hospital.
I am an angel.

DC Comics has announced their new Batman will be black.
They should do the same thing with Superman.

Then he'd be the Man of Steal.

Remember the old days when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Man, we were wild...

Least it’s going to be a white Christmas, it’s not going to snow but I’m the only girl attending the Bukkake party tonight ....

Men only want one thing.

Correction: Men only want one thing from women. Everything else can be done more effectively by a man.

A tube of lubricating gel please, I said to the Pharmacist.
"K.Y",she replied.

Because my wife's twat is as dry as sticks. That's why if you must know.

Got some guy trolling me on Facebook saying things like..."hope you don't die" and "I shagged your Mum, hope she's not pregnant."

Typical Keyboard Worrier.

Day one:

Biden puts thousands of bricklayers out of work.

Being far too shy to see my GP about my erectile dysfunction.

I visited the local quack. He said " Take this powder and say 123 before you have sex. It only works once and you must say 1234 when you have finished and your erection will disappear "


It worked a treat and I was just about to give my wife the treat of a lifetime when she said " What did you say 123 for?"

‘China is using anal swabs to test the public for Coronavirus’

I guess they took it literally when someone told them to shove their test up their ass!

Today’s children are going to grow up thinking noses & mouths are private parts.

Anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything

I said to my hairdresser, "Make me look sexy."

So she started drinking.

When the wife dances, I give her 9.7."

"Out of 10?"

"No, on the Richter Scale."

I think Harry should take up painting, (if Meghan will let him of course).

Then he can call himself, 'The Artist Formerly Known As Prince'.

What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this moment in time?

University.