Finally after eleven years I nervously popped the question, and she made me the happiest man on Earth by saying yes.

We start divorce proceedings tomorrow.

Thanks to Covid-19, my journey time to work has been considerably shortened.

I lost my job last week.

Domestos, kills 99% of germs.

Also effective against Trump supporters

I was being examined by my colonologist and he said:
"Mr Jemin, you have very serious anal tearing that needs to be repaired.
Mr Jemin you have very serious anal tearing that needs to be repaired."

I said "There was no need to repeat yourself doc"
And he replied, " I didn't that was the echo".

Ooooooooooh.

I was being examined by my colonologist and he said:
"Mr Jemin, you have very serious anal tearing that needs to be repaired.
Mr Jemin you have very serious anal tearing that needs to be repaired."

I said "There was no need to repeat yourself doc"
And he replied, " I didn't that was the echo".

Ooooooooooh.

I don't understand this modern obsession with shaved pubes, both female and male.

In my day it was part of foreplay to pick the hairs from each other's teeth.

My cousin is gay.

While other kids were dissecting frogs in school, he was opening flies.

My neighbour with the big tits has been walking about topless in the garden all day.

Just wish his wife would do the same.

Burglars broke into my house last night and said they were searching for money.

So I laughed like fuck and searched with them.

“What would you like?” says the barman.
“What would I like?” says Bob. “A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife.”
“No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?”
“To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!”
“What’s it to be?” says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don’t care".
"You misunderstand me" says the barman impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink?"
"Oh" says Bob, I see. "Why didn’t you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all" says the barman. "I’m perfectly healthy".

I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her minge.

As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.

That’s when I looked at my mates and said, “will you three just fuck off?”

The brain is the most outstanding organ.

It works 24 hours a day, right from birth until your first erection.

The brain is the most outstanding organ.

It works 24 hours a day, right from birth until your first erection.

Barely married a fortnight, a young bride phones her mother and wastes 20 minutes with aimless chatter. Her mother suspects there must be ‘marital’ difficulties and does her best to discern the problem.
Eventually the young bride blurts out...
Bride ”Mum......he’s got.......he’s got..”
Mum “He’s got what....some strange peccadillos ?”
Bride “No mum, it’s nothing like that”
Mum “Has he got another woman ?”
Bride “No mum.....he’s got......he’s got terrible dandruff”
Mum breathes a sigh of relief “Give him Head and Shoulders love”
Bride sobs for a couples minutes.
“Mum.....I don’t know how to give shoulder!”

I recently lost my sex drive.

Or to put it more accurately, those fucking idiots at PC World recently lost my sex drive.

The other day my friend said to me, “What would you do if your internet history became public knowledge?”

“I’d probably have to leave home,” I replied.

“And where would you go?” he asked.

“Prison,” I said.

Ex-Spurs forward, Darren Bent, announced on BBC Sport that he owns 1000 pairs of shoes.

I always wondered why they called him bent.

I walked into my local bookstore wearing a clown’s outfit and said to the girl behind the counter “ Do you have the ‘Best of Relationship Joke’ in stock?”

“ A pathetic attempt at humour “ she said.

“Yes that’s the one “ I said.

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.
If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.
If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are dehydrated.
If your stream didn’t reach the fence, you have a prostrate problem.
If it is bright pink you have kidney problems.
If you forgot to get your knob out and you pissed your pants, you have Alzheimer’s.
If you missed the fence you have Parkinson’s.
If your stream smells meaty, your cholesterol level is far too high.
If you can’t smell your urine, you have Coronavirus.

Have a good day.

"I would advise that you turn up to work wearing a mask," I said to my staff.

"Because of the coronavirus?" He asked.

I said, "No, because you're very ugly."