She dropped the towel to reveal her beautiful gorgeus body.

Slowly, my eyes wandered up her lithe, tanned body. Our eyes met, locked in a reciprocal gaze that seemed to last an eternity.

It was only then that I realized, "Fuck, she's spotted my peephole!"

It's funny how definitions have changed for parents over the years.

Your child is not 'badly behaved and a bit thick', they've got ADHD.

They're not a 'sissy', they're born in the wrong body.

They're not an 'interfering, opinionated, annoying little cunt', they're a vegan.

I can already imagine Elton John in surgery -

Elton: 'Don't go breaking my arse.'
Doctor: 'I couldn't if I tried.'

Feminism means never having to say you're sorry.

Whatever you did wrong, a man made you do it.

I'm actually quite proud of my gay son, especially as he's grown up to become a dentist.

He still gets pissed though when I call him the Tooth Fairy.

When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"

I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself.

The stages of grief:
1) Anger
2) Denial
3) Bargaining
4) Desperation
5) Sign Jose Mourinho
6) Acceptance

You know your life is really fucked up when you get more messages from mods of LYN than your own family at Christmas and New year.

Weird.

People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge.

Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

~~And so the champions league can wait.
~Sheikh knows it's too late as he's walking on by...
~
~Pep slides away

~Don't look back in anger
I heard UEFA say.~

I’d been chatting up this woman at the bar for about an hour,

she said:
“You don’t have to keep buying me drinks, we both know you’re going to have sex with me.”

“Oh yeah,” I replied, “how come?”

She said, “because I could taste the rohypnol in that last glass of wine.”

Well at the age of sixty three I'm still looking in shop windows at stuff I want but can't afford.

And I'll won't be coming back to geylang again.

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.

Honestly, our PM is starting to sound like my wife.

I shouted through the door, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave on the gate."

Wife.. "Just let me in the fucking house Dave."

They're really taking this coronavirus crackdown serious here.
I've just been stopped at a roadblock with armed police!

One of them pointed a gun at me and shouted,
"Come out with your hands sanitized!"

Ban Nutella.

Help stop the spread.

I got down on one knee, middle of the busy restaurant and pulled out the ring.

The whole place was in tears.

“Marry me... and I’ll put it back in the grenade.”

Let's see:

I'm at home.

I waste hours on the internet.

I binge watch TV.

I have food delivered.

Fuck me -- I've become a Millenial.

Another sympton of Covid-19 is that it makes your hair grow longer