Half Sisters
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman." After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

Sharing
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for
the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered.... "The teeth"

deteced it from the beginning lor this 1

A man had three gorgeous daughters who were at the marrying age. They lived away from their parents. A bit concerned over his daughters' current love lives, the man calls up each one to enquire.

The first one tells daddy, "My boyfriend has a dragon tattooed on his chest. He's a firefighter." Daddy was not too impressed, but at least she found someone who could fight off amorous men.

Somewhat satisfied, he calls up the second daughter. "My boyfriend has 5 dragons tattooed on his chest, he's a pro wrestler." Ok, thinks the dad, at least he can fight off admirers *and* give his daughter a good life.

Feeling more relieved, he calls up the third. "My boyfriend has one draggin' on the ground...."

.........................

In need of light
A man and woman are going at it in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man says, “Damn. I wish I had a flashlight.”

“Me too,” the woman says, “you’ve been eating grass for 10 minutes.”

The chief of an African tribe pulled their Caucasian missionary aside one day and asked of him, "You see that group of children there? All of them are black, except one. Did you do it?".

The child in question was in fact an albino, which made him pale all over. While mulling over an answer, the missionary sees a herd of white sheep grazing in the field, and lo and behold, one of them was black.

"You see the herd of sheep over there?, asks the missionary. All of them are white, but one of them is black............"

Before he could finish the chief pulls the missionary up close and says, "Shhh, you don't tell, I don't tell, ok?"

Blonde hail stones!
Blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car got dented up really bad.

The next day, she took her car into a repair shop to have the dents examined. The repairman, noticing that she was blonde and quite dingy when she spoke, decided to have some fun.

He told her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she got home, as this would cause all of the dents to pop out.
When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could over and over.

Just then, her best friend, who also is blonde, showed up.
Her friend saw her blowing into the tailpipe and was quite startled by the action.

She blurted out flippantly, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe real hard so that the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Uh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Evening Classes For Men
Starting next month.

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Power Point presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Role playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

WHISKEY WILL BE SERVED!!!!

bumping for Alilmisfit

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm what's wrong.

"Well," replies Norm, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Davie, with a smile.

"Well," says Norm, straightening up. "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Davie, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Norm, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my pr*ck to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible." says Davie.

"So I get to her door," says Norm, "and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Norm slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

So there was this policeman who pulled a sexy blonde over for a traffic violation. As he went back to his car with her ID he radioed back to HQ and described her registration plates and a general description of her. "You won't believe how hot she looks, plus she's driving a pink Cadillac". The guy on the radio beams back, "Is she blonde, and wears hot pants?". "Yeah, why?", asks the cop.

"Walk back to her car, unzip your pants and show her your unit" says the radioman. "WTF?? Are you out of your mind?" asks the cop. "Just do it!"....

So the cop, a little befuddled, but curious to see where this was heading, proceeds back to the blonde and whips it out to which the blonde remarks nonchalantly, "Oh no, another breathalyser test?".........

So there was this policeman who pulled a sexy blonde over for a traffic violation. As he went back to his car with her ID he radioed back to HQ and described her registration plates and a general description of her. "You won't believe how hot she looks, plus she's driving a pink Cadillac". The guy on the radio beams back, "Is she blonde, and wears hot pants?". "Yeah, why?", asks the cop.

"Walk back to her car, unzip your pants and show her your unit" says the radioman. "WTF?? Are you out of your mind?" asks the cop. "Just do it!"....

So the cop, a little befuddled, but curious to see where this was heading, proceeds back to the blonde and whips it out to which the blonde remarks nonchalantly, "Oh no, another breathalyser test?".........