I really LOL'ed at this 1

"Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine."

Great work junnie87 and aLittleMisfit for keeping this thread alive and funny, i love all your posted jokes (been following lately only, so haven't check the earlier ones yet )

EWWW

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Why yelling at a man doesn't work

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
__________________

A guy had been waiting all week to go fishing on the weekend so come saturday he's up at 5.am, has breakfast and quietly backs the boat out of the garage.
While he eats he listens to the weather forecast for the day..Rain, sleet, snow. He decides to still go so hitches the boat up, packs his gear and quietly drives off. He gets half way to the boat ramp and it begins to rain. Then it gets really heavy. By the time he gets to the ramp it is a mix of snow and rain and he can't see 5 feet infront of him so he decides to call the day off and go back home.
On arriving home he unhitches the boat and puts it and his fishing gear away. He goes to the bedroom where his wife is still asleep, undresses and snuggles in behind her, thoughts of fishing gone and other things on his mind. "That weather out there is absolutely shocking" he whispers in her ear. "Yeah, can you believe my husband is out there fishing in that shit....

Good joke

+1 smart kid

bumping for Alilmisfit

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm what's wrong.

"Well," replies Norm, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Davie, with a smile.

"Well," says Norm, straightening up. "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Davie, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Norm, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my pr*ck to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible." says Davie.

"So I get to her door," says Norm, "and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Norm slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."