How do I gain the courage to end my life or gain the courage to forget that idea completely?

I believe I'm going through major depression..

Exactly a year ago, my life was completely different. I had a happy and perfect life and it was anything but what I am today.

Well, I have been pretty much single all my life. I've liked people and it has been one sided & vice versa. I never really cared about it as my life was just fine. My time was fully utilised for work, family, friends, gym and my own hobbies..
I was doing well career wise and I had some of the best friends one could ask for.

This changed when I chose to move overseas, across the causeway, the last quarter of 2015. Well, to me it was a new experience and journey.
As a matter of fact, my take home savings is the same as what I was getting here and I took a downgrade in terms of job role. However, I took up the opportunity in hopes of discovering a new journey and finding myself alone.

Initially, the move was seamless. I was happy and my new job was so easy that I had lots of extra time for myself. I started venturing around the new country, finding new things to do, painting, reading, drawing, cooking and so on. Things I never had time for previously.

It all stopped when I met an acquaintance I knew once upon a time. He works there as well though we met in MY sometime ago Let's say then he was coming after me though I kept a distance as I never felt at ease with his intentions. However, when we met again, we became closer. Knowing I was new in that country, he tried to show me around. He was somewhat pursuing me again and me being naive in terms of relationships, I kind of fell for him along the way. From running away, I started liking him and the way he tried to pursue me. All was good until I got to know he was actually engaged sometime before we met again. He never told me but I found out myself. When I asked him, he never denied though he kept saying he was still single/ not married and it was not something of his choice.

By then, I was head over heels over him. He knew it as well and he knew how to play along. I kept feeling stupid for going back to him knowing he will eventually leave me though there was hope somewhere. All his sweet talks. We lived together for 2 months+, went on vacation, spent a lot of time together and I kind of lost myself during that process. I was crazy over him. He knew it and there was some guilt on his end, not sure if it was genuine. It came to a point where he was going to get married. Yet he was out with me, introducing me to his friends and all. He kept saying we are best friends and we will always remain so. I told him how I felt (which he knew from day 1) and that I preferred to part ways if we could never be together. He turned it against me saying I was ruining a friendship (though our relationship was way beyond that) and he never wanted to part ways with me even after getting married. I knew better. He even said if it made me happy, he will marry me instead and stop his wedding, which he never did of course, citing his family was important. During that time frame, he was always with me, never with the fiance as she was elsewhere. He hardly even spoke to her. Eventually, I chose to cut off communication with him. He got married and is happy now. He is also in the same country though I'm not sure where now. I chose to let go knowing I am not going to do injustice to another woman and I deserve better. There's lots of questions, regrets, emotions going on and I feel stupid, naive, dumb, and so on at the same time.

I have gone through hell trying to move on in the past 4 months. I've lost a lot of weight, distanced myself from everything/ everyone and I hardly go out anymore. I can't forget things and well I can't turn back to the person I was before I got into the mess. I tried meeting others though it did not help. I cry everywhere, everyday.

I contemplated suicide for sometime. Even bought meds in the hopes of overdosing. Didn't have the guts to after taking almost half a strip of pills. I've also distanced myself from my family. I don't know why but it's hard for me to talk to anyone.

One side, my family wants me to get married, my friends wants me to become the person I was once, though I want out of this life...

I don't wish to live...Though the only reason why i am still holding on is for my mom. She knows what happened and keeps trying to motivate me to move on.

I thought of coming home, quiting my job though I have not been able to find a job here yet. I've got commitments to pay and hence, the idea of quiting without a job back home is scary. I thought of getting married to forget him, though marriage is not in my luck I guess. I've tried meeting new people and it makes me sadder. Every guy out there wants no strings attached relationship and I am not that person. The entire process has made me feel so low, lose my confidence, doubt myself...I wonder why is it I can't be in a real relationship where people are not looking for lust! I'm average looking, smart, financially independent and yet it is so hard to find someone out there.

I still believe in God though I have stopped praying for sometime.

At times, I feel like I am getting better though deep down I know I still feel depressed. I no longer draw, paint or read as it reminds me of him. I've considered calling befrienders though I doubt it will help...I've sat many nights trying to find the guts to end my life.

I often contemplate if I should try overdosing and at times, I walk around nearby parks and lakes wondering if I will ever have the guts to just end my life there...Coming from a science background, I spent a lot of time reading on how to mix meds and chemicals to make it work...
Worst part, I am now in a country where suicide happens almost everyday and reading the news, I often wonder when is my turn.

For once in my life I am lost and I don't know what to do...

The sad part, once, I was so smart, successful, talented and I used to motivate others. Today I feel like a failure. Not many know what I'm going through though they can see I'm a changed person...

I was once a frequent participant in this forum, met friends from here and today, after a long time, I chose to post this here in hopes of getting some advise.

This post has been edited by Invisblenot: Apr 3 2016, 08:08 PM

You are in the same boat as me.. however.. the problem is because you are alone. Try to surround yourself with friends..find a way to come back home. It will help you. I wonder too at times whether taking my life is REALLY the solution, however it is not. No one is better than your ownself. Like you said yourself, you are financially independent..you dont need anyone to take control or be with you all the time, try to socialize more..there are more to life than just one guy.. and ..

P/S : I am a guy.

Hi there, Thank you.

I've got friends actually who always try to talk to me. It's just that for some reason, I distanced myself and I don't want to be a burden to them knowing I'm sad myself. Life is definitely more worth it than that one guy though the entire thing has killed me as a person..I used to despise those who choose suicide once and today, I am in that position. Life is definitely a good teacher...I really wish to be back though it's tough...because of me, my family is also sad and when I'm back home, I know they are also going through a tough time due to me...my parents are always sad and they kind of no longer speak much among themself..

you seem to be a strong woman, why end it just like that ?
Suicide is an easy way out, think of your family and friends when they learnt that you took your life, its a selfish act.

My best advice to you, is to return home, as living alone in an unfamiliar land could be just plain sad and lonely, its best to return home where you could be well taken care of and recover and fight another day when you're strong again

Parents always do worry about their kids, that is for sure. But at this stage of your life, you and ONLY YOU are in control of your own life, you can help them by moving on indefinitely, and speaking from my own experience, I surrounded myself with colleagues and occupied myself with work. Trying not to think about it. You sound like a very independent person, occasionally you can tell friends and colleagues about your issues, however over-telling your story might bore them since they and you BOTH know the solution. TIME will HEAL, some will take months, some will take years, but my advice is, taking your life is not the answer. Companions do really come and go, even friends, that is just part of life, life is tough some say, be strong. You always have lowyat here.

Hi invisiblenot,

I have gone through a similar situation which resulted in me eating a whole strip of panadol pills but thankfully i didnt die on that faithfully night because i would have regretted everything if i was to have killed or injured myself that day.

At that point of time i was at the lowest place in my life. I was distancing myself from everyone and feeling hopeless in life. But at that point in time which was 2 years ago, i really felt like "what am i living for? There seems to be nothing worth living for.. even if i killed myself it would be better for everyone including myself"

So the continuation of the story. After nothing happened when i took the whole strip of panadol, i broke down infront of a close of mine. I didnt choose to break down (i always tried to be the strong smiling personality infront of everyone else) but somehow it happened that day. I sat there (fyi i am a guy) cried and cried amd told my close friend what happened and what im feeling. He didnt say much other than everyone has the problems in life and its the uncertainties that is pulling you down.

People tend to be bogged down by all the uncertainties in your mind (eg: what if i fail this in , what if this what if that) that amounts to alot of pressure on yourself and you definitely feel weighed down by all that stress and burden.

What you need to do is plan your next step. It could be as easy as getting a new job in malaysia or finishing a side project and work till theres no tomorrow till you get there. Dont plan too far ahead but take one step at a time.

Today might be shit but as long as you hang in there and keep persevering through im sure better days are to come. On the homepage of my phone states "you only fail when you stop getting up." I will never stop trying because Im too indebt to my mom that i need to continue and repay all the comforts in life that i owe my mom and dad.

I hope you get through this period of your life just dont give up. Theres much more in life then what we can see.

Ps: im might not be the best person to say this but. A person that doesnt come clean from the start is a liar. And a liar shouldnt be trusted.

I tried occupying myself with work though honestly, my work is just so easy that by 3/4 pm, I am pretty much free. And I don't work over the weekends. It's definitely a change as I used to work long hours prior to this. I was in a management position back here and now, I am back to an exec in my new place. Hence, the challenges are also way lesser. It was good Initially as I got time to do new things, until it all went wrong. I kind of avoid going out as I don't want to ever bump into him or see things that reminds me of him...and he used to like my hobbies - my write ups, my drawings, paintings and due to that, I kind of stopped doing any of it. I love reading and we shared that hobby together. Now, I don't even turn to look at a novel for I know, I might recall memories..

Your life don't revolves around him.
Life offers so much more.
Don't waste your time over things that already passed.

I believes surround yourself with positive people helps. I also strongly suggest you to go back to your family as well, after all, they are the only one that will support you no matter what. During this period of time, you really need to have some encouragement from them to get you back on your feet.

I wish you the best.

I understand where you coming from. Depression makes everything seem uninteresting, mundane, downright drag. Seek Him, continue to do so. Knock, and ask... And you shall what again?

Hi, Invisiblenot, your story reminded me of my past self. I'll share my story here.

I was madly in love with a guy before when I was younger. He sort of liked me too but he never made the commitment. Then one day, sth happened, he dumped me for another woman (or so I thought, long story), and left me in pain.

Well, it took me 8 years to finally let go of the memory and feelings for him. I learnt a lot and tried many ways to forget him, but just couldn't.

The pain was real. I cried till my heart ached with physical pain, I cried till I thought I would become blind soon, couldn't sleep at night, contemplated suicide too...

I sought counselling as well, talked to my close friends and cousins, read counselling books, tried to numb myself... but the pain and memory were still there.

While I was in pain, that guy was dating girls. I saw him changing gf after gf after gf...

I'm a Christian and I believe in God, so I resorted to Him. He said I need to do 3 things:

1. Forgive yourself. Stop condemning yourself. Start loving yourself again.

2. Forgive him and wish him all the best from your heart.

3. Find your meaning in life again. Re-define your life and re-route it. Think of the people and things you have neglected while you were down. Rise from where you have fallen. Get back to the community whether you feel like it or not.

It was so damn tough. It took me about 3 years to rebuild my whole life, set things on the right track, rebuild my self-esteem and confidence, and to really treat him as a normal friend.

Now, when I look at his photos with his gf now, I don't feel the pain any more. & I still believe in love. I know my Mr Right will come along the way.

When you feel that way, you know you are fully healed, with love, confidence and hope in your heart.

you're over the causeway... maybe ghodul can help... he's there too... maaaybe u 2 can get along....

Kenape la kau suka tag aku bile things related to SG. LoL topkek...

Because Ko is a good guy...

Hi ts, u have the major depressive disorder criteria, i suggest u go see a psychiatrist, they really can help u manage the disease trust me. Please dont ever think about suicide, if u does feeling suicidal, go see a doctor immediately.

Salah bro. gua ni pathetic guy.

pathetic guy finish last...

Why is this in serious kopitiam and not in cupids corner ? Ok since it's here i give u serious answer ...

Becareful what you wish for ... you people have no idea what depressed means ... my mom is depressed and you have no idea what depressed means ... so this is a breakup issue and you're depressed? Have u been to hospital before and see real depressed people ? If you're depressed you can still write in forums ? Come on ..

Everyday ppl break up ... why are u becoming like this because of a MARRIED MAN ... wake up ... from the start of the story, you're a strong girl or even lady ... be who you are again ... this man is full of sh!t for what i can see ... depressed is very physiological ... if you think you're depressed, you're depressed .... if you think you're not then you're not ... so don't think about it until you have no turning back ...

This post has been edited by GymBoi: Apr 3 2016, 11:50 PM

Don b stupid..

juz start all over again.. not worth for u to look back.. u will meet some1 better

Hi All, thanks for sharing your experiences.. I've considered so many things. Either to seek help from a psychiatrist or to try and solve it myself...seeking help from friend's and family, well at times there's a lot of emotional blackmail and all that kind of drives me to do it further...
I tried attending classes to learn new things to divert my mind...Works for a while..

I take walks and so on in the evenings though at times the thoughts to do something crazy comes by, like jumping into the lake...
There were times where I thought of mixing alcohol and meds and overdose on it...I eventually am scared of myself..

At present, I live with housemates though we are not really close friends..and I'm the only one at home usually until late night as they come home late..

wake up... it's not end of the world yet!
there are good, bad and ugly times... that's life!
accept it, learned... and move forward...
you're smart and talented... ur time is way too valuable to be wasting on such mangkuk!
go out... and shout as loud as you want... and let it go!
start a new... many idiots will be waiting for you!

This post has been edited by burn22: Apr 4 2016, 11:21 AM