Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 May 22 2015, 05:19 PM
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#81
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Good Impression An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied... "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!" |
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May 23 2015, 07:27 PM
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#82
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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QUOTE(Sandy Lim @ May 23 2015, 05:48 PM)   |
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May 23 2015, 07:38 PM
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#83
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Freddie, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her. The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?" |
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May 23 2015, 07:42 PM
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#84
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" |
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May 23 2015, 07:45 PM
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#85
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!" |
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May 24 2015, 07:21 PM
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#86
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Free meat It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!" |
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May 24 2015, 10:05 PM
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#87
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." |
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May 24 2015, 10:06 PM
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#88
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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You will spend eternity here... The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!" |
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May 25 2015, 08:29 AM
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#89
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Animal Pictures One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard." |
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May 25 2015, 08:35 AM
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#90
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them." |
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May 26 2015, 10:02 AM
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#91
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Buy Machine Factory An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?" |
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May 26 2015, 10:10 AM
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#92
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, "You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl." Snapped the harassed shop assistant, "I'm sorry about that but I'm serving as fast as I can." |
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May 26 2015, 02:46 PM
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#93
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Math Teacher The night before one exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam. "No problem." said the Professor, "Come by my office at 5 P.M. and I'll give you the exam then." Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening time getting information on the exam from students who had already taken it, and making sure they knew how to do the problems. Coming to the professor's office that evening, they were told, "Leave your books in my office, and I'll put you in two separate rooms for the exam." They were both ecstatic to see that the Professor had given them the exact same exam taken by the class that morning. However, there was an additional page tacked on the end, upon which was written, "For 50% of the grade, which tire was flat?" |
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May 27 2015, 09:47 AM
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#94
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Where were you born? Brunette: - Where were you born? Blonde: - California. Brunette: - Which part? Blonde: - All of me. |
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May 27 2015, 09:51 AM
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#95
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." |
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May 27 2015, 09:54 AM
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#96
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out. They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys" |
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May 28 2015, 10:44 AM
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#97
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.
His wife suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I joined a parachute club." "What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" "Yeah, look I even got a membership card." "Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" "Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!" |
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May 28 2015, 10:46 AM
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#98
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" |
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May 28 2015, 10:51 AM
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#99
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Box One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box. The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles. |
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May 28 2015, 04:44 PM
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#100
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed.
There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. "Sorry. I just backed into your BMW. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not." |
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