Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 May 28 2015, 05:10 PM
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#101
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving amound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem. The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!" |
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May 29 2015, 09:27 AM
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#102
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Why did the chicken cross the road? (FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road. SENATOR LIEBERMAN I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way. VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself. RALPH NADER Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens. PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please? COLONEL SANDERS I missed one? |
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May 29 2015, 04:52 PM
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#103
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Divorce Court A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!" |
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May 30 2015, 07:13 PM
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#104
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" |
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May 30 2015, 07:19 PM
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#105
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" |
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May 31 2015, 07:17 PM
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#106
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. T he man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry, honey," he said. She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Oh my!!! I thought you said your penis was like a baby!" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!" |
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May 31 2015, 07:35 PM
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#107
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument. |
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Jun 1 2015, 08:40 AM
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#108
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Sandpaper Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him. "Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says. Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'. Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it. A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?" |
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Jun 1 2015, 08:41 AM
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#109
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Icing A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good." As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?" His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them." The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?" Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help." |
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Jun 1 2015, 04:32 PM
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#110
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Play hide and go seek Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!" Newton smiles and says, "you didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!" |
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Jun 2 2015, 08:34 AM
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#111
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The flower vendor was usually an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?" "Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly. "Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat. "Haven't got a girlfriend." "You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!" |
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Jun 3 2015, 08:58 AM
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#112
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Skin Graft A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks. |
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Jun 3 2015, 09:00 AM
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#113
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Hair Color An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
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Jun 3 2015, 05:42 PM
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#114
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The almonds A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishioners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing." "Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea." While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says. "Not at all, have as many as you like." After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visiting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit." Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them." |
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Jun 3 2015, 05:45 PM
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#115
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man has a job interview, He is doing very well and has the job in the bag. Then the boss asks him what he thinks is his worst characteristic. He replies "I'm far too honest" The boss says "I don't see that as a fault". "I don't give a fu*k what you think" is the reply. |
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Jun 3 2015, 05:49 PM
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#116
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Side Effects
A man is cutting sides of a capsule before taking it. His neighbour saw this and asks him, "Why are you cutting sides of the capsule?". He replied,"To avoid side effects." |
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Jun 4 2015, 09:13 AM
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#117
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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When can we see the baby? With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked. “Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.” Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?” “No, not yet,” said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?” “No, not yet,” replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?” “When it cries!” she told them. "When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?” “Because, I forgot where I put it.” |
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Jun 4 2015, 09:20 AM
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#118
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the better part of her life with the company. Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it. Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!" "Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they simply want to show how much you are appreciated." "Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am NOT going to clean up after a mess like that!" |
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Jun 4 2015, 10:09 AM
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#119
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Women And Golf 2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. "How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." |
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Jun 5 2015, 09:02 AM
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#120
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Problem With Gas A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." |
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