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Jokes of the day, Compilation
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TSAydee
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 Sep 25 2017, 03:44 PM
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A CONFUSED SOCIETY...
S: I am a Singaporean.
F: But you look Chinese...
S: I am a Chinese Singaporean / I am a Singaporean Chinese.
F: So do you speak Chinese?
S: Yes, but not fluent.
F: But you are a Chinese..
S: I am a Singaporean Chinese, not Chinese from China.
F: So you are not a Chinese?
S: I am not Chinese from China.
F: But your great grand father is from China?
S: Yes, but I was born in Singapore, so I am a Singaporean Chinese.
F: So your great grand father speaks Chinese?
S: He speaks dialect.
F: Do you speak dialect?
S: No, I don't.
F: Why not?
S: Because our country has a Speak Mandarin campaign that is so successful that the new generation practically do not speak dialect anymore.
F: So you should speak very fluent Mandarin since it's so successful?
S: No. That campaign was effective before, but not anymore.
F: Why?
S: Because most people speak English nowadays.
S: We have a Speak Good English campaign.
F: So English is your National Language?
S: No!
F: So what is the National Language of Singapore?
S: Malay.
F: What?
S: Yes, Malay!
F: Do you speak Malay?
S: No.
F: Why not?
S: Because I am not Malay.
F: Then why is your National Language Malay?
S: That's another long history lesson.
F: So your National Language is Malay and nobody speak it?
S: The Malays speak Malay. That's their mother tongue.
S: We have four races: Chinese, Malay, Indian and Eurasian. Each speaks their own mother tongue.
F: So your mother tongue is Chinese?
S: Yes.
F: But you can't speak it fluently?
S: Yes.
F: Does the Malay or Indian speak fluent mother tongue?
S: More fluent than the Chinese speaking Chinese I supposed.
F: Why?
S: Because that's their mother tongue.
F: Then why can't the Chinese?
S: Because we speak English mainly in school.
F: I last heard that Singapore has a bilingual policy.
S: Yes, we have, we do learn mother tongue in school.
F: But you cannot speak Chinese fluently.
S: Yes.
F: Why?
S: Because our country's working language is mainly English, there is not much places to use the language, perhaps only with our grandparents and when we buy things in the market.
F: Then how is that bilingual?
S: I don't know.
F: So you are a Singaporean Chinese who can't speak your National Language, and cannot speak your mother tongue fluently and can only communicate in English with a strange accent.
S: What's wrong with my accent?
F: I don't know, it is just weird.
S:Does it sound British or American?
F: Neither, I thought you should sound British since you have been colonized before?
S: No, that was long long time ago, dude.
F: How come you try to sound American?
S: Because I watch alot of Hollywood movies.
F: Your English still sounds weird.
S: Oh, we call it Singlish.
F: So what are you really?
S: I am a Singaporean!
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TSAydee
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Sep 25 2017, 03:45 PM
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Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi, Gujrati Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u ever seen a naked woman before?"
Gujju Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
MORAL:
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what happens..
Be professional..!!
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TSAydee
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Sep 25 2017, 03:48 PM
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Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe.
There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe.
There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of South Africa!"
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TSAydee
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Sep 26 2017, 11:25 AM
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Kangenya and his wife Mutango received a letter from their daughter who went to study modern physics overseas.
SHE WROTE:
My beloved Parents, I miss u so much & it breaks my heart to think that by the time i get back, you will be too old.
So, enclosed you will find a bottle of a red potion i have invented. It will make you young, so when i return, you will be the same age as i left you.
NOTE: "Pls, take only a drop."GoodBye i love you!
So they opened the envelope & in it, is a bottle with a red potion. The man looked at his wife & says you go first". So Mutango takes a drop, thereafter Kangenya follows.
Indeed the wife turns 5yrs younger. Years later, the daughter returned home to find her mother young & pretty, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the portion worked & made her look young. The daughter was happy & asks where her father was. "Your Father? Hmmmmm,, your father was so jealous that i was so young and beautiful, so he drank the whole bottle.
Whaaaat? So where is he?" replied her daughter. Hmmmm, he is the one I am carrying on my back.
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 09:21 AM
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 09:24 AM
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A man walks into the Friars barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 09:27 AM
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One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 09:36 AM
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A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 09:37 AM
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A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Spanish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - a Spanish girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!"
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 09:49 AM
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 09:57 AM
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A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you. It don't look so good."
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 10:06 AM
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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!
Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"
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TSAydee
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Nov 17 2017, 10:07 AM
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A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
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Theo_Raspail P
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May 12 2019, 04:04 PM
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New Member
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The wife behaves similar to the cow?
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