Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Apr 8 2015, 04:42 PM, updated 9y ago
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#1
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Stopped By The Police John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk." |
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Apr 8 2015, 04:43 PM
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#2
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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30 Years
One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!" Bob replies "It's the least I could do, After all, I was married to her for 30 years." |
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Apr 8 2015, 04:48 PM
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#3
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Horse Race A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine." The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!" |
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Apr 9 2015, 01:12 PM
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#4
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Dentist The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth. |
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Apr 9 2015, 04:56 PM
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#5
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Tell The Whole Truth
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win." |
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Apr 9 2015, 04:59 PM
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#6
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Cab Ride
A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out from behind a bush, opened the back door of the cab and demanded to be taken to the airport. The cab driver kept looking back at his passenger in the rear view mirror, and she became irritated and said, "Why do you keep staring at me?" The cab driver replied, "Well, you don't have any clothes on and no place to carry any money and I am wondering how you are going to pay your fare?" The woman opened her legs and pointed to her crotch and said, "How about me paying with this?" The cab driver looked back at the woman and said, "Do you have anything smaller?" |
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Apr 10 2015, 09:24 AM
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#7
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Junior Member
351 posts Joined: May 2013
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Lol
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Apr 10 2015, 09:29 AM
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#8
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Hospital Trolley A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor." |
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Apr 10 2015, 11:49 AM
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#9
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Watermelons There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!" |
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Apr 10 2015, 03:27 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Husband: Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. i told her : Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'. My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer from the fridge... I ALMOST DIED!! Moral : Think about what you talk, The female brain works on a different tangent than male.. |
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Apr 10 2015, 03:36 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man says to his son : You are going to get married.
Son: Not now. Father: Your wife will be the daughter Bill Gates. Son: then ok Next day father goes to Bill Gates.... Father says to Bill Gates: My son is going to marry your daughter. Bill Gates: No Father: My son is the C.E.O of the world bank. Bill Gates: then OK Next day father goes to the World Bank...... Father says to the owner of the World Bank: My son will be the C.E.O of this bank. Owner: no Father: My son is the son in law of Bill Gates. Owner: then ok THIS IS BUSINESS..... |
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Apr 11 2015, 02:30 AM
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Junior Member
70 posts Joined: Feb 2015 
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Lol
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Apr 11 2015, 05:32 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!! |
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Apr 13 2015, 08:41 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Expensive Barbie!
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00." The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." |
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Apr 13 2015, 11:59 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up." |
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Apr 14 2015, 01:01 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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12 inch pianist
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks." The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch 'pianist'?" |
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Apr 14 2015, 11:19 PM
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Junior Member
220 posts Joined: Sep 2007 From: KL Cheras Pudu Ulu 
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haha...tq all those jokes are great
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Apr 16 2015, 07:57 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Tennis Shoes
Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the sh*t out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!" |
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Apr 17 2015, 05:13 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A note from mom... John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional." A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here". A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom". |
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Apr 20 2015, 10:00 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Long life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said. |
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