Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Jun 5 2015, 09:04 AM
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#121
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Writing letters to son The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: "Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad." |
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Jun 5 2015, 09:05 AM
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#122
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Need Light
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark?" |
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Jun 6 2015, 04:12 AM
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#123
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Beer Test
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned." |
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Jun 7 2015, 06:30 PM
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#124
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Big John
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!" A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??" |
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Jun 7 2015, 06:33 PM
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#125
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?" "In 3 months." I want 5 bucks |
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Jun 7 2015, 06:37 PM
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#126
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks." |
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Jun 8 2015, 09:26 AM
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#127
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me? The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.” |
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Jun 8 2015, 09:28 AM
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#128
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?” “I’m waiting.”said Jason “Waiting for what?” asked Larry. “Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.” |
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Jun 8 2015, 09:30 AM
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#129
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate. The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?" The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as youcan guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up." |
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Jun 9 2015, 08:08 AM
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#130
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't". This post has been edited by Aydee: Jun 9 2015, 08:09 AM |
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Jun 9 2015, 08:10 AM
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#131
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS." |
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Jun 9 2015, 04:56 PM
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#132
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife.
If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received an email: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..." |
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Jun 10 2015, 08:57 AM
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#133
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” |
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Jun 10 2015, 08:58 AM
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#134
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Martini A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. "Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives." |
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Jun 10 2015, 09:02 AM
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#135
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Dad, What is sex? An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks. The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." |
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Jun 11 2015, 10:00 AM
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#136
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Black and White Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" |
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Jun 11 2015, 11:25 AM
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#137
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms." |
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Jun 12 2015, 09:40 AM
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#138
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word... "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!" |
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Jun 12 2015, 09:43 AM
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#139
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that" |
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Jun 12 2015, 09:44 AM
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#140
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!" |
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