Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 May 7 2015, 09:02 AM
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#41
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Team Spirit At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." |
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May 7 2015, 10:47 AM
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#42
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" |
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May 7 2015, 05:14 PM
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#43
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Ex
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" |
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May 8 2015, 12:32 PM
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#44
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Irish Tradition Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.” Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.” The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!” |
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May 8 2015, 07:55 PM
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#45
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Be strong A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" |
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May 9 2015, 11:12 PM
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#46
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Worms Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive. So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms." |
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May 9 2015, 11:14 PM
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#47
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” |
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May 9 2015, 11:17 PM
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#48
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." |
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May 12 2015, 12:41 PM
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#49
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Being Alone A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?" |
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May 12 2015, 12:45 PM
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#50
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Do You Sell Dildoes A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?" The sa lesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes, Ma'am, one of them does." "W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" |
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May 13 2015, 08:59 AM
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#51
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Old Man Hot Mama An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur. The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he inquired. "Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied, "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful" |
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May 13 2015, 11:19 AM
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#52
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Church Bell Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today. |
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May 13 2015, 11:21 AM
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#53
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Tap Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you light the candle under the pot?" |
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May 13 2015, 03:14 PM
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#54
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Vacuum Cleaner Salesman A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.." |
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May 14 2015, 09:36 AM
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#55
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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You Looked A Lot Like My Wife A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." |
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May 14 2015, 11:41 AM
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#56
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." |
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May 15 2015, 09:31 AM
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#57
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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What does that one do?
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!" |
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May 15 2015, 09:33 AM
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#58
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? "Home. I can't work in the dark." |
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May 15 2015, 09:41 AM
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#59
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Fumbling With His Keys One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.” |
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May 15 2015, 12:04 PM
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#60
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?” |
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