Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
|
 May 15 2015, 12:07 PM
Return to original view | Post
#61
|
 
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
|
Dennis Rodman A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS". |
Quote|
|
|
|
|
May 18 2015, 03:55 PM
Return to original view | Post
#62
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Bank Teller This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this b*tch is giving you a hard time?" |
|
|
May 18 2015, 03:58 PM
Return to original view | Post
#63
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing." |
|
|
May 18 2015, 04:02 PM
Return to original view | Post
#64
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Improvements in Hell An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" |
|
|
May 19 2015, 09:03 AM
Return to original view | Post
#65
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legshurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." |
|
|
May 19 2015, 09:04 AM
Return to original view | Post
#66
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Whatsapp blunder George received a msg on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby. The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night, when you are away. In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. " George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head. A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby. "This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'." |
|
|
|
|
|
May 19 2015, 09:07 AM
Return to original view | Post
#67
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois." |
|
|
May 19 2015, 02:22 PM
Return to original view | Post
#68
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Socks... A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy. The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy. The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong. With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!" |
|
|
May 19 2015, 02:39 PM
Return to original view | Post
#69
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Pet Monkey Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back. Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?" "What?" "your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them." "Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it. |
|
|
May 19 2015, 05:16 PM
Return to original view | Post
#70
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Doctor: What’s wrong with your brother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken. Doctor: really? How long has this been going on? Boy: Five years. Doctor: Five years! Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs. |
|
|
May 19 2015, 05:19 PM
Return to original view | Post
#71
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming." |
|
|
May 19 2015, 05:59 PM
Return to original view | Post
#72
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
QUOTE(mobeus @ May 19 2015, 05:51 PM) i dun understand this The wife behaves similar to the cow? |
|
|
May 20 2015, 08:55 AM
Return to original view | Post
#73
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Harmonica
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night. |
|
|
|
|
|
May 20 2015, 08:57 AM
Return to original view | Post
#74
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!" Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?" His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker." |
|
|
May 20 2015, 08:58 AM
Return to original view | Post
#75
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Pearly Gates
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." |
|
|
May 21 2015, 09:08 AM
Return to original view | Post
#76
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Crossing The Border
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!" |
|
|
May 21 2015, 09:36 AM
Return to original view | Post
#77
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked. "To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" |
|
|
May 21 2015, 12:54 PM
Return to original view | Post
#78
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.' |
|
|
May 22 2015, 08:36 AM
Return to original view | Post
#79
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Lost Rooster The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up. |
|
|
May 22 2015, 03:18 PM
Return to original view | Post
#80
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" |
| Change to: |  0.0343sec
 0.63
 6 queries
 GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 6th December 2025 - 01:43 AM |
All Rights Reserved © 2002- 2025 Vijandren Ramadass (~unite against racism~)
Powered by Invision Power Board © 2025 IPS, Inc.