This cny hubby family came and stay over at our place fr few days (the hse tht we r staying in now belongs to his parents) so all his sisters n family cram into the house creating havoc.. rubbish n worn diapers thrown here n there.. drinks left half not finish din bother to throw away..used my bb tub to bathe their baby and din bother to clean till when I wanted to use I have to clear up myself. . The list goes on..

I was furious because I like my environment clean n organised. . Stuff arranged properly. . I din blow in frnt of his family bt of cuz my face showed im unhappy.. today his sisters was telling my husband how "afraid" they r with me cuz I showing black face.. and husband always follows his family words.. kept saying im stubborn selfish.. din care bout others feeling. .

And walked out to another room after 1 hr of argument. . This is d 2nd time tht he fight with me over these matter n he always says im stubborn etc etc...

I feel like leaving cuz theres no point tht I come home to face sumbody who no longer appreciate what ive done.. baby was sent to bbsitter day n nite n he refuse to bring baby back even though baby is already 6 months.. I missed my baby so much n suspecting bbsitter is not feeding him well cuz he is not gaining weight fast enuf to be within the normal line.. its already on the yellow line.. tried finding another bbsitter bt cant get as all full..

Now he kept saying want to have 2nd baby!!!.. of cuz I din allow him to touch me as im not ready for 2nd baby.. I wanted age gap of 3 yrs when my 1st baby can take care of hkmself first..im scared as we dont have mil or my mom to take care.. financially wud b burden also.. bt hubby insist to hav 2nd baby.. so we fight again..

I feel sad n angry tht he never see things in my view and jz kept wanting to go his way.. and when I dun agree then it becomes another fight..

Everyday I come home to eat alone for dinner he cum bck at 9 or 9.30.. ive got nobody to talk to.. not even asking me how was my day..

Its really sad tht we r jz married 1yr plus tht we hav so many things to fight about.. I think im gonna slip into depression frm missing my baby to having to face his dirty n unorganised family..

i think u shud report to police. not here

i envy u because u can marriage...
btw, i cant. my father in law is too over protective.

i hope u can find ur own happiness too

One word tolerance or move out to other place temporary to cool down, if keep quarrel definitely lead to divorce.

i think you should move out first, or face to face tell your husband what are u thinking....

From what u described, your husband is an irresponsible jerk. Think again why u married him and maybe that helps. If not sure will divorce...
Try communicate with him...
Good luck

My 2 cents here.

Root cause is difference in expectation - yours and your husband.

Hard to change expectation as it is cultivated since younger years

Maybe reach a compromise in between. But need to sit down and have a wife to husband talk on this.

Good luck!

Whatever plumberly has said.

Have you considered marriage counselling or spending time with a couple which you can model after?

This post has been edited by ionStorm: Feb 15 2014, 10:25 AM

the root cause is both of you did not communicate well before marriage of what to expect and what are both's expectations.

both of you must find time to talk properly, not argue or quarrel, but slow talk and settle the matter. Explain to him why both of you should wait to have the second baby. He might be angry with you for not letting him touch you, which might trigger his anger and go find someone else outside.

Do you have any family members place where you can temporary move out to? Marriage counselling might be a good idea too.

He said she said . U think he's wrong . He think u are wrong . Why dont just be more considerate and talk things out . Its not that his sisters or tthose family member going to stay in your current house forever . So if u guys move out , u will not let his sister or other family member to go your house ?
Its just for few days and once in a year got cny la come on

If your husband want 2nd baby that means he should be financially ready for it . So is it u that make most of the money or him?
Marriage need tolerance , understanding and taking a step back. Many home broken because what wife cant give , outside woman can give . So end up husband got girlfie

Marriage is about husband-wife having the common goals and finding the balance between your differences. In your case, sit down with your husband to get the priority right. This encompass your physical, mental, spiritual and emotional need. If this cannot be done, I would say this is end of the road.

It's pity your baby didn't receive the love. This is the golden moment which I think you need to take charge despite your daily heavy workload. Putting your baby in the hands of others is like a time bomb. You should should to your husband that having baby means responsibilities. If he can take care of the first one, it fine to have the 2nd one then. Else ask him to forget about it.

Hopes it helps.

your in-laws came to stay for a few days only. to me, tolerating unacceptable behaviour is part and parcel of marriage including that of your in-laws. remember, marrying your husband means marrying into the family. like it or not, it comes with your husband. learn to tolerate otherwise, you'll only see yourself as the victim.

I think the crucial crux of a marriage is to give and take. Having his close relatives over is only a yearly event, if only you could tolerate and compromise then it will actually make your husband a very proud man to have an understanding wife like you. However, if you constantly put on a black face and argues with him when they are around is just a total put off for your husband as you are very well aware that Guys ego is very important, and especially in front of his relatives.

And not letting him touch you because he wants a second child is another put off, it doesnt mean that when you want to have children only you both can embrace each other and have intimacy. Guys need physical touch, girls need emotional support... by moving out, what do you expect your husband to do? It will only create a barrier and allow third party to creep in.

i think yes..in someway you are a bit selfish and inconsiderate.

CNY is like that for a lot of family. At least for those families that I know. During which, the whole bunch of families will come back to the parent's house. Things will certainly be messy. During my time when I go back to my grandparent's house, it will be dirty like crazy. But the grandparents side of the family will not complain and just tidy whenever they can. Just need to bear with this. Only like 1 week only.

One of the solution is you shift out and live on your own. Then the responsibility of the house will not fall on your "that much" anymore. However, since you are the daughter in law, you have the obligation to the house. If there are other daughter in laws, you guys just need to work together. It's all about being in the family. That's how Chinese families are brought up.

Communication is the key to a good marriage. Chinese or not, family is still family. Make sure to sort things out with him face to face before moving to the next step.

I did prvsly tried to talk it out with him on having baby issue bt it always turn out to b another disagreement as both equally stubborn n want our own ways.

Ive made it clear tht if wan me hav 2nd child thn we buy hoyse first. .

Yes I also considered wanting to go for marriage counsellor which I wanna wait till things Cool down first..

Ermmm, when u did something downright wrong eg having an extramarital affair, it is so wrong to again blame your wife as the cause behind it. If u really did it, admit that it's your mistake like a real man and stop yapping around and said it is the lady's fault. Seriously, where are your balls?

Also I dont think TS husband is ready to become a dad. There is a lot more responsible rather than only donating a sperm to become a dad. It doesnt mean that if he is FINANCIALLY ready and he can become a dad. Remind u that becoming a dad is totally different from a sperm donor or a sponsorer. In order for a man to become a father, he should be ready psychologically as well. Apparently by leaving his baby most of the time at the nanny and did not consider his wife's opinion of not wanting the 2nd baby is totally WRONG.

TS, try to talk to your hubby. Refuse to have sex is not an ideal way either. Need to communicate with him. Along the way u will need to be patient and skillfull. As for the CNY family part, try to be patient as it is just temporary...

P/s: I am really annoyed by a post earlier. U know who u are. It shows u are just someone insecure and likes to blame others for your own act. I can say u are not a true man but just someone very childish and inconsiderate.

Anyway, good luck to u TS, I hope the best for your family.

This post has been edited by catherinessc: Feb 16 2014, 01:44 AM

Is best to seek a good counsellor to start of with. Then only bring in your husband. From what I had read in here, sounds that your approach is logical to get a house before second child and also to settle down the first child. Anyway, you have to get to communicate with you in a more mutual way. Both must be able to speak the "same" language before can go further. There is a book named love language. You want to give a read. Is very useful to me and my wife. Trust me I went through all the disagreement thing because I had twins and being a first time parent is super tough

you sounded like a clean freak, perfectionist type of housewife. well not to say that it's not good, but during festive seasons especially CNY. it's where everyone gathers and enjoy. if you dont like crowds visiting your home i think there's a problem there. bits of food boxes of drinks left on the table, etc etc.. all these are very common during CNY. give and take a little dear, you will enjoy more. i would tolerate and do all cleaning happily if i have a big family coming to stay with me. see yourself lucky. i live abroad and having to spend time with my family is more precious to me than picking on these little things. i had to spend a lot just to go home. but if things are on the extreme side, probably unsafe to your children at home then you can speak to your husband, im sure he will see fit your reasons and agree with you.

if your husband does totally nothing to help out in the house including taking care of the kids, i understand your frustration there and totally can see why you dont want to have the 2nd baby. he needs to make a deal on doing certain things if he wants to have a 2nd baby. but just planning for a 2nd baby, he might have his points not to wait for at least 3yrs apart. different families are brought up differently, dont compare other house affairs to yours. if you and your mother was a very organized housewife, good. but dont expect everyone to be like you. i feel it's a bit overboard when you quoted his family as "dirty and unorganised." Well, he grew up just fine anyway. being a mother and to manage everything isnt' easy. you know it, so understand your parents in law when they were at your shoes.

really, these are all petty issues that you get within a marriage. i have never heard of any women getting along so well with their in-laws,or how much they loved and feel their in-laws are a perfect family figure. talk it out and tolerate on the things you want and he wants. you're sad and angry, you feel lonely when nobody eat and talk to you. or even when he doesnt ask you how was your day. fair enough. have you ever asked or know how he felt or see things from his point of view? i wouldnt dare to judge much, you know best. but to say you're gonna leave because of these petty issues? no wonder divorce rates are going up among the couples nowadays.

To TS, sorry for what you are going through. I'm also married with a girl currently 9 months + I know how it feels like when you have whole bunch of relatives coming over to your house for visit or staying for few days. Different families have different habits so yes, some of those behavior will not be our liking but CNY is only a yearly thing so sometimes just need to tolerate for that period

For your husband which has married you and living together with you should have know your living habits. Like you said "You like your house clean and organized". Your husband should have helped out on some of the clean ups and or the mess created. After all he's also living in the house.

About having 2nd baby, both need to prepare and not just 1 side say want want. TS you try to look back when you have your 1st child is your husband helping out a lot during your pregnancy, after deliver, during confinement period and upbringing and caring for the baby. If he's not then better don't because you will be over stress since your 1st child is only 6 months.

I also sometimes argue with my wife but we talk it out after that and try to understand each other and what both of us expect. Most important, for your husband I think he don't realize how difficult it is to take care a baby since you mentioned that the baby is left at the babysitter day n night so I can honestly say, he don't know the full experience thing. I know because my wife send my daughter to her mother place in the morning then bring her back in the evening on weekday and my daughter is sleeping in her cot with us in the same room and on weekend we take care of her ourselves. From my wife confinement period I was in the same bedroom as her and our baby so I go through the whole period with my wife together. Waking up a few times at night, changing diaper, feed my daughter, I started to help my wife to bath our daughter when she was 3 months old on weekends. It was not easy at 1st but down the road I start to realized myself its not something easy. That's why I didn't keep asking my wife for a 2nd child even my parents ask me I also tell them, we will plan it later since taking care a baby is not easy and can be quite tired.

Overall, try talking to your husband, let him understand how you feel and if he really want a 2nd child, just bring your 1st baby home and let the baby sleep in the same room as yours and ask your husband to help out (waking up at midnight 3-4 days a week to help you feed the baby or change diaper see if he can tahan for 3 weeks or not) Let your husband experience the hardship.

This post has been edited by TitanRev: Feb 17 2014, 01:14 PM

"I feel sad n angry tht he never see things in my view and jz kept wanting to go his way.. and when I dun agree then it becomes another fight.."

This is the reason I think both of you fight. When a fight starts between husband and wife, usually both parties is at fault. The same thing you said is equally applicable for your husband to complaint about you. Try to be the one with the positive energy to open up and talk to your husband. Let me share a little secrets, guys normally can give in if you talk slowly, nicely, and cute. But will reject to the core if you forced your idea on him. So if you want something, try not to bring up your voice but instead requested "manjaly", I am sure your man heart will soften and give in

There are a few issues here. Leaving the family issue aside during CNY, most important is that u need to talk to your HB regarding taking your Baby Back during the night time.

A Baby Sitter (BS) is just a Baby Sitter. Parents should take care of the Baby whenever they can. I hope that u are already taking care of the Baby on weekends. Else, the Baby won't even know that you're the parents.

Look for a BS nearer to your house. Talk to your neighbours, who ia willing to help you.

Above all, talk to your HB that being away from your Baby is killing you emotionally.

Good luck. If you need someone to talk to, Call Befrienders.

dear friend,

my marriage ends up with divorce. will be attending court tomorrow to settle everything.

appreciate and learnt how to talk with hbby.

So sorry to hear this.

Stay strong.

the judge on leave today. damn malaisia court. delay till next month

stay lovely with ur hubby. think bck the happy moments.

In my opinion Jonrev is right. Even if it is your house you still have to entertain your in-laws whenever they come over or when you host a family reunion. You must never show your displeasure otherwise your husband will have no defense should they complain against you. Try putting on a smile instead of a black face after all you are the one who has to clean up whichever face you put on. Keep the anger inside. This will make your husband feel guilty. Always try to be accommodating and supportive and make him proud of you be it with in-laws or his male friends.

Intimacy is very important in a marriage. If you feel that intimacy is only for making babies then you are actually pushing your husband away. Intimacy helps strengthen a marriage; helps you to communicate with your husband; helps you to convey your desires and wishes to him. Maybe your husband was just using 'having a second baby' as an excuse to get intimate with you.

Try the soft approach. If you are always fighting with him then he will not want to come home early and have dinner with you. If having tried and failed, then try counseling.

Good luck!

We are still very loving thank you. Just celebrated our 40th valentine's day.

I wish you all the best. Hope you have a better future. I always believe things happen for a reason.

thanks~!

First and foremost, bring your baby back to the family. The baby needs her mom and dad. Why would you even have a baby if you don't plan to take care of him/her? It's easy to have a baby, only takes few min. But raising a baby or a kid is a completely different experience.

Secondly, communicate your thoughts and feelings to your hubby. He needs to know what is going on. It is tough to have a balance between his own vs his parents/relatives. Sometimes you do have to look the other way. Make him to clean the house since it's his relatives made the mess. If the communication is a one way street, then you have a bigger issue on hand. Most likely it will lead to separation then divorce.

hope for the best. and get ur baby back. The kid needs mom's love.

oh dear... hope you're alright.
do you have baby/kids?

mind to share the boiling point?

Cheers

Let's see...You like cleanliness, and ya husband do not. To make life easy, why not get part-time cleaning service and robot cleaner to resolve the cleanliness matter.

As for baby, is there a reason for not bringing back baby after work?

Men are lidat. They are not as sensitive as women. Just tolerate with it and always remember to share how you feel about things. Communication is key.

Dear friend must read

"Used vs. Loved"

While a man was polishing his new car, his 6 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions.......sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.The next day that man committed suicide. . .Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life..... Things are to be used and people are to be loved. But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved.... In this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved. Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character;Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder. God bless you.


This post has been edited by danielisme: Feb 25 2014, 11:48 AM

Nobody is totally clean and organised.u should adapt

I miss my ex gf more than my ex wife.

see my title...I miss my sc. I love her so much

Why didn't you marry your ex-gf then?

Dear TS,

I guess you're probably tired to here us saying you should sit down and talk with your husband, but communication is the only way... Are you able to pick up the baby personally after work, instead of your husband?

I always wonder y ppl will think / say like this when they heard bout the divorce thingy....if 2 ppl r not happy n there is no way to settle things out divorce will be a very good choice instead of fighting n being unhappy for life.

just my 2cents..

well said!!! it takes TWO to tango in making babies (mind my word), so same goes to the responsibilities of bringing up them.