THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'
..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and
a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana;

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

---

Added on June 28, 2010, 2:01 pmSIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.


You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.



You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'









Answer:








A FUNERAL PARLOUR.



(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland =

This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Jun 28 2010, 02:01 PM

The Key To Paradise

A little boy asks his dad : daddy , whats between my mom legs ?

The father answers : the paradise , my son .

The kid asks again : whats between your legs , daddy ?

The father replies : the key for the paradise .

The son says : daddy , an advice , change the lock , our neighbor has a copy .

Heaven and walmart…
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low


Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

DRUNKEN JOKE

Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk!"

Larry's In The Hospital, Room 232


Ok, you are asking who in the hell is ' Larry '.


Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,

'Where in the hell have you been? '

Larry replies, ' I was out getting a tattoo. '

'A tattoo? 'she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates, ' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? '

Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

In love

Little Eric and Jenny are only 13 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Eric bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage..'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Eric, you are only 13. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Eric instantly replies, 'Our pocket money. Jenny makes five pounds a week and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 pounds a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this. 'Well Eric, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Eric just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a Mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And my favourite:
An elderly man walks into a confessional...
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!!!"

Impressive...ur jokes make me laugh each and every time where did u get them all?

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married
But couldn't afford a honeymoon
So they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house
For their first night together.

In the morning
Johnny - Paul's little brother -
Gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door
To go to school - he asks his mom
If Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replied - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - I don't want to hear What you think !
Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch And asks his mom
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go for your tution ..

After tution - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ? His mom says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..
I gave him my super glue.

Email

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Added on August 11, 2010, 12:32 pmTeacher: Can you tell me the names of three kings who have brought happiness and peace into people´s lives?

Student: Of course.....smoKing, drinKing and f*cKing.


This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Aug 11 2010, 12:32 PM

I got this joke from my email. Not sure whether it's reposed. Sorry if reposed already.


Guy A, Guy B and Guy C was given a test. They had to choose an item to use in a hot weather. Then the president will try to understand why they had chosen that item. Guy A chose a bottle of water. Guy B chose an umbrella. Guy C chose a car door. So the president said

President : Hmm. Guy A, I know why you chose a bottle of water. Is to drink when you're thirsty. Very Good! Hmm. Guy B, I know why you chose an umbrella. Is to open it up when you are hot. Good! Hmm. Guy C, I really do not know why you chose the car door. Can you tell me why.

Guy C : Haiyo. So simple. To wind down the window when hot mah!

*Guy A and Guy B laughed till they drop* *President was stunned*

Old joke but nice. However, (just my opinion la) if you want to rephrase the joke you might want to omit the last sentence. The reaction of Guys A and B, plus the president is not important. In fact, adding it made the joke less funny

Husband vs Wife.


Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
************
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
************
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
************
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
************
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
************
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
************
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
********
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

Don' t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.



They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day !


This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.


He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"


She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."


"Why?" he asked.


She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"


"Let me see" he said.


"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.


He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."


He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.


He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"



She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.


She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you ! You've already got the neck and the gizzards !!!"

JOKE OF THE DAY ....
ENJOY READING!!!!! ..........


BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me…

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY: Sure, what’s your phone number?

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don’t you ever want to improve?

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : “….And are you sure you love me and no one else?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colours do you have ?”

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot!”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.”
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”..

Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.

Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”

Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

MONEY TALKS. BUSINESS IS BUSINESS


A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a f***in' checking account."
The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a f***in' checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language and that guy really needs some teliing-off.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no f***in problem," the man says. I've just won $200 million bucks in the damn f***in lottery and I want to put my f***in money in this f***in bank."
"Oh...I see," says the manager, "and is this f***in b**** giving you a hard time sir ???"
......and this is how the corporate world works..... EVERYWHERE !

Story of The Cock

A farmer rears 25 young hens and 1 old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire.

Old cock: Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock: Ok! What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter runs, from here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters...

Young cock: No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly.......... "BANGGG!!!"

Before he could overtake the Old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "#$@%*& hell! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week!"

Moral of the story: Never under-estimate an old cock...

Aussie customs




A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and Welcome the new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running Around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to Knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man Urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, He sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and Then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man
And says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around The yard after hens The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you
have Your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says,

'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs..

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian,
I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.'

---

Added on September 4, 2010, 6:49 pm

The question is:



What Do Retired People Do All Day?





Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.



Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.



We were only in there for about 5 minutes.



When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.



We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.



I called him a Nazi turd.





He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.



So my wife called him a shit-head.



He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.



Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes.



The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.





We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.





This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Sep 4 2010, 06:49 PM

Wow nice way to spend the day old folks!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.


He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Costco Medic...

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Costco.."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good
measure.


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!