How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

Some people

I'd just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French
fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.



A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by;
'I've not eaten for two days'



I told him 'I wish I had your f***ing will power'

Put a little love in your heart...


Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.




'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?




Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'







'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.




'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.





And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'





Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'





'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Royal Marines could shoot the b*stard.'

Alcohol is bad for legs

A Man goes into a cocktail lounge

and approaches Maxine sitting by herself...



Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.

haha I wish all the women has sense of humour like her

Wew.. junk post..

No.1 A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. ?The next day, their driver died of poisoning.

No.2 A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why? ?He answered so that after I am dead, no one will ever sleep with your mum.

No.3 A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid replied, "Sir you are my witness. You know I never wear panties!"Cheers!

Two Australian Businessmen


Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Chinese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Chinese accent asked 'You sell what?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Chinaman said, 'You doing velly well; only last two left!'

Moral of the story is don't ever think Asians are idiots - hahaha!

Either I made this up, or it was burried in my mind with no known orgin.

Wife to his husband:

You eat, I eat.
You drink, I drink.
You work, I work.
You drive your car, I drive my car.
You go shopping, I go shopping.
You jump off a building, I look down and laugh at your attempt to kill me.

This post has been edited by Roadcrosser: Nov 1 2010, 11:01 PM

AVIATION HUMOUR



The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot,
leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, ... 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah ! That Japanese,
not Chinese.'

Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence..

'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!'
exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg,
... no mattah ... all same ! !
..

---

Added on November 2, 2010, 1:35 pm







Irish Millionaire

]cid:_2_074AC3A4074AC17C001291A348257758


The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."


Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"




This post has been edited by ~Mew~: Nov 2 2010, 01:35 PM

Ah Lian was a pillion rider holding 2 big bags of durians when their motorbike rode over a hump in the town of Balik Pulau in front of the bus terminal.



The rider, her husband, Ah Beng heard the loud

' bang ! '



He asked Ah Lian,





' Durian wu kalau boh ? '

( Have you dropped the durian ? )



Ah Lian shouted:



'Boh kalau !'



'Boh Kalau !'

'Boh Kalau !'


So Ah Beng did not bothered and continued with the journey along the long and winding road towards Paya Terubong.



When they reached home in Bayan Lepas, Ah Beng got down from his motobike, he was shocked to see that Ah Lian was not wearing her helmet.



He asked Ah Lian: 'Where is your helmet ?'



Ah Lian was very angry and replied:



'Just now I already told you



BOH KALAU !



BOH KALAU !

(helmet dropped)



but you didn’t stop !'

APARTMENT for RENT
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
The night with her for $500. They did their thing,
And, before he left, he told her that he did
Not have any cash with him, but he would have his
Secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
The payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
Worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:





'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
Apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
Because when I rented the place, I was under the
Impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
Returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:



'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
Know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
Regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
To fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
To contact your present landlady...

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Mumbai. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.



"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."*
**************************************************


Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"*
***************************************************


A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."*
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."*
*******************************************************


What is the definition of Mistress?*
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.*
**************************************************


Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*
***************************************************


What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************


A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".*
***********************************************************


A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."*
***********************************************************


Nominated as the best short joke this year...*
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.*
“Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.*

The Naive Bride


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Dead Camel

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know father.” “In fact. I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree”, says the Father, “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything Father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breast and I was wondering if I might see yours.”

“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on her beauty.

“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask you something
of you?”

“Yes Sister?”

“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”

“I suppose that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.

“Oh father, may I touch it?”

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”

“Is that true father?”

“Yes it is, sister.”

“Then why don’t you stick it in that camel and let’s get the hell out of here.”

Teacher:
Can u tell the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace in to people's lives?

student:
Smo-king ,Drin-king & fuc-king

A Hooker's Tax Return

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.

'The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.' The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.''No, that is still too crude. Try again.' They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.' The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'


'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.'

Beware !

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His
reply: 'I know. I already got that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS



IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.’

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

From Kingman , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

>IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.’

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer inWichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company
due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us .... and they VOTE

A stark-naked drunken woman

jumped into a vacant cab.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself

and just kept on staring at the woman.

He makes no attempt to start the car.


“What's wrong with you sunshine,

haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”


“I'll not be staring at you lady,

I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you’re not bloody staring at me matey, what are you doing then?

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself,

where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."