I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.

NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business...

It's probably best they stick to making sauces.

Question: It is considered in bad taste to discuss
two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics what is the other?

My mate told me a joke the other day.

"What does one black man call a white man?
Your honor. What do ten black men call a white man?
Coach. What do a hundred black men call a white man?
Warden."

Then my black friend came along and said

"What do 100 million white men call a black man?

Mr President."

Checkmate.

A sexy woman came to the bar to be served today.

"Hey there gorgeous," I winked. "Wanna come back to my place when I've finished?"

"Just get me my drinks and leave me alone," she raged.

"But... I thought you were single?" I replied. "This is your husband's funeral isn't it?"

Oh boy =O

Keith said, "I'm working late tonight so I won't be home until about midnight"
The wife said, "That's the fifth time this week. Are you cheating on me?"
Keith said, "Er .. no .. why would you think that?"
She said, "Because you're a f*cking milkman"

As my fianceé walked gracefully down the aisle, every head turned and watched the trail of white flowing behind her.

"Dear, there's a toilet roll stuck from your knickers," I said, "Better get it out before we touch down in Dubai."

A lamb chop is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the f*ck are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Steve just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who the f*ck are you?" says the chop.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Steve just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Steve just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the chop. "I'm going to take a look at this Steve guy myself."

brilliant one!

Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.

i dont get it

The chop pours out from the mouth? Lol

i really have to add, why does william look a lot like this father charles,
but harry looks totally diff from his bro n father ?

Harry Redknapp is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows when in walks a glum Arsene Wenger.

"Et tu Brute?" says Harry.

"Don't you f*cking start, I'm fed up hearing the f***ing score," replied Wenger

not from the upper hole,the lower hole

LOL!

gorgeous !!!

Sally was feeling horny last night and tried to wake her husband up at two in the morning by rubbing her ***** on his face and sucking on her dildo.

Harry said, "Don't do that"
She said, "Why, are you too tired?"

Harry said, "No, I had it up my arse this afternoon"

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!