DAVE? I thought he's Albert?

his name is Albert Dave.

Man asks wife where she would like to go for their anniversary,
she replies, "somewhere I've never been before"

Gym it is then.

The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

i lolled

The wife and I had been thinking that it was about time that we told our teenage son that he was adopted.

We sat him down and I said, " Son, there is something that your mother and I want to say and I want you to know this is the hardest thing we've ever had to do."

He said, "I know what you're going to say .. it's true, I'm gay"

I said, " Well, thanks for making what I'm about to do a f8cking pleasure."

the best one yet

^
^and then the dad shot him

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Why the f*ck are there six feet in this bed? There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Bullshit," said the wife, "you're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right."

lol

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: In that case, okay!

Dad goes to Bill Gates

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates: In that case, okay!

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank

Dad: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: In That case, okay!


And that's how you do business.

This was the best ever.

A woman in labour is screaming at her husband.

He says 'Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your a$s.

"But Nooo, u thought THAT MIGHT HURT!"

hahaha...nice one.

This joke was used to describe Henry Kissinger iirc.

If you think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror?

Try breaking a condom.

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.
Boy: I know.
Girl: I love you!
Boy: I love you more, much more!

After surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father is next to her bed.

Girl: Where is he?
Father: You don't know who gave you the heart?
Girl: What? (She starts crying)
Father: I'm just kidding, he went to the toilet

hahahaha trolldad!

The wife just saw a news article 'World's oldest person' dies at 114'

'Wow!' she said excitingly to her husband

'...the way medicine and science is going, I bet we have people reaching 150 years old within the next 10 years!'