Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

Manchester city fans have a new favourite drink called "The David Moyes."

It's a scotch on the rocks

I don't understand celibacy at all.

If you don't want priests to have sex, just allow them to get married.

My blind date asked, "Do you visit astrologers?"

I replied, "No, I'm too busy feeding my house elf."

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

To commemorate World War One in 2014:

The French - Are erecting a statue in each village

The Germans - Are lowering their flags each day

The British - Are having a season of programmes on the BBC

The Russians - Cordially invite you to World War 3 commencing in the Ukraine

I love playing mind games with my wife.

Today I bought her some flowers and I haven't done anything wrong.

The Oscars show how far we have come over the last century, with all the technological advances and wonderful plotlines.

That said, you still can't beat whipping niggers for entertainment.

Putin: "All Russian medalists get new Mercedes."

Reporter: "And the non-medalists?"

Putin: "Do not open boot."

hahaha

What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech

I was chatting to a girl in the pub last night.

"Are you going commando tonight?" I asked.

"Yes," she giggled, "How could you tell?"

I replied, "Because you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

England footballer rumoured to be gay...

That rules out Tom Cleverley... they said 'footballer'

Phrases that commentators won't be able to use when they know the gay footballer is playing for England.

Oh dear, he's taken him from behind.

The handbags are out

Lovely tackle.

And he slips it in nicely.

He was climbing all over him.

He has shot wide of the goal.

Love his dribbling.

Will look forward to the team bath.

The manager is going to pull him off soon

It's squeaky bum time.

He's had a few nibbles at him now.

Well, I must say, I have never seen that goal celebration before.

I said to my friend, "I saw my ex-wife whilst crossing the road today."

"Did she recognise you?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied, "but luckily I managed to jump out of the way just in time."

You met Miss Right, but you don't know her first name is Always.

My girlfriend said, "I would do anything if you cooked me dinner and cleaned the house."

So needless to say, 5 hours later I was done, and that's when I realised 'anything' included lying.

"Why the f*ck are you staring at my head?" asked some guy in the pub last night.

I said, "I'm checking out the hair."

"But, I'm completely bald." he replied.

I said, "I'm talking about mine."

News: Cassini spacecraft passes Saturn's largest moon for 100th time.

Mrs. Cassini: "Can we please stop and ask for directions?"