Stopping people from repeat offending starts with not re-electing them.

As I strolled in at lunchtime yesterday, my boss started moaning at me:

"Where the f*ck have you been?"

"On a course," I replied.

"Fair enough," he said. "How did you get on?"

"Not bad," I smiled. "Three under par."

"You're driving too fast you idiot. It's a red light, f*cking stop. You've taken a wrong turn you ass****." She shouted.

"Shut up with your back seat driving." I screamed. "Just remember who's abducting who."

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.

"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," I said.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 50 million has the chance to become a human being

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you mean by "active".

There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

I'll never forget the day I won on the toto jackpot and told my boss to shove his job up his ars*.

It was only rm4, but well f*cking worth it.

I was on a date with a woman I met on Facebook.

I said, "I like honesty, and I can tell you're an honest girl."

"Really?" she asked. "How can you tell?"

I said, "You're the first girl I've been out with that actually looks like their profile photo."

She said, "That's a picture of Spongebob Squarepants, you cheeky jerk."

When I got married twenty years ago and the priest said "Will you love, honour, and obey?"

I had no idea he was talking to me.

The US Military has cancelled its multi billion dollar research and development program into the next generation of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect.

Kieran Gibbs has just been found guilty in the Oscar Pistorius trial.

In an interview after the game Theo Walcott admitted he was lucky to stay on the pitch after the handball on Oxlade-Chamberlain

It must be time to check my credit card statement.

The wife just offered me a blowjob

Oranges can be either male or female.

The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.

The females are bitter for no apparent reason.

Of course homosexuality is a type of mental illness.

Why else would they have fought so hard for the right to get married?

"Dad, I'm thirteen now, and people are starting to point and laugh. I think it's time I got a bra."

"F*ck off, Dave. Try stop eating once in a while."

Putin claims he invaded Crimea because it was made up mostly of Russians.

Bangladesh and Indonesia are now said to be drawing up plans to annex KL.

Some girl just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.

I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.

Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

As I stood at the bus stop having a smoke, I was surprised to see the bus leaving before its scheduled time.


I could've sworn I put the f***ing handbrake on.