"My dad is harder than your dad."

"Yeah? Who's told you that?"

"Your mum."

So i was travelling to Europe and was taking an overnight train. I had booked a sleep cabin all to myself. I spent the evening having drinks in the dining car before returning to my cabin. When i opened the door, there was a woman lying down in the lower bunk.

I immediately said,"Excuse me. I must have the wrong cabin!" but after checking my key, and the woman checking hers, it seems there had been a mistake.

She said,"I don't mind sharing a room if you don't." We were around the same age and she was attractive, so of course i didn't mind.

However, it got rather cold that night. Around 2:00 I asked if the woman was still awake, and she was. I politely asked if she would hand me an extra blanket from below.

The woman said, in a slightly seductive voice, "I have a better idea. How about instead we pretend that we are husband and wife for the night and you come down here from your bunk ...

And get your OWN DAMN BLANKET!"

That's when he should've farted.

My friend Bijan just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over RM280,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."

I've just invented a new word:

"Plagiarism"

My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!"

"You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that."

"Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number?"

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year..

even if he has to write the song himself

At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?"

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

I texted my daughter today, "You forgot to make your bed."

"Why would I make my bed when I'm just going to sleep in it again tonight?" she responded.

I said, "Do you wipe your arse?"

My ugly as f*ck twelve year old son came up to me and asked,

"Dad, can you give me some sex advice,"

"Yes son," I replied, "take care of your right arm, you're going to need it."

I'm hosting a meeting for people that have trouble ejaculating.
Just let me know if you can't come...

What's black and sexually aroused right now?

All of Justin Beiber's potential future cellmates.

Justin Bieber goes to jail

Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest.

Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.

"Release the Kraken!" I shouted, in my best 'Greek God' voice.

"Right, that's it Dave." said my wife, pulling up her undies. "You can just f*ck off and have a wank."

I drank enough last night to kill a small horse,

but I decided not to.

After going to see 12 Years A Slave at my local cinema, I now understand how it feels to be exploited and robbed of your dignity by ruthless, mercenary overseers.

RM2 for a piece of yong-taufu

tht's really robbery....

was debating a Creationist and he said, "I won't believe in evolution until you provide me some evidence."

I paused for a moment and replied, "From when did you start requiring evidence to believe in things?"

The wife says she wants to get a cat.

"That's great." I thought to myself, "I could always use more things in this house that won't f*cking listen to me."